WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court finally arrived at a landmark decision on the infamous case between Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, confirmed sources who were finally ready to put this proceeding to bed.
“As we all know, SCOTUS looks at every case individually and for as many years as humanly possible,” said Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch. “So after careful deliberation and looking at all the facts, we have decided that the prevailing party in this case is Jason Voorhees. Objectively speaking, he’s just a good old-fashioned rural boy with conservative values, such as avenging your mother’s death, even if it means murdering groups of teenagers, camp counselors, and trespassers. If you think about it, he’s really just standing his ground at Crystal Lake. We here at the S-Court love those kinds of heartwarming stories. We also like that he works with his hands. Freddy, however? Well, I just don’t like his hat.”
Legendary villain Krueger seemed pretty upset over the ruling.
“Well, well, well. It sure would be a shame if Chief Justice John Roberts were sucked into his mattress at 3 a.m. with his blood geysering from the bed and splattering all over the ceiling. That’s what you get for crossing Frederick Charles Krueger, or just being asleep in general,” said the star of “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.” “I told Jason that we should’ve solved this like men and presented our cases on Judge Judy’s show instead. But no, he just had to go to the highest court because ‘that’s what mommy would’ve wanted.’ Turns out, Article VI of the Constitution states that no individual can haunt another in their dreams and/or nightmares. I must’ve missed that part on my initial skimming of the official document. Fair is fair.”
Legal experts have noticed an increase in the justice system’s activity.
“We’re actually seeing the Supreme Court resolve a ton of backlogged cases that you might’ve forgotten about,” said Gregg Chesterfield. “Just last week, SCOTUS sided with Predator in the ‘Alien vs. Predator’ case. Then, of course, it wasn’t too long ago that they declared Kong the victor in the ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ trial. Remember ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’? Well, they’re actually still hearing the side of the World. Turns out, there are a lot of people on it. That one may never get resolved.”
At press time, Voorhees celebrated the favorable ruling by submerging a nearby camper’s face in liquid nitrogen until it froze before smashing the victim’s head against a countertop for old time’s sake.
