MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show, confirmed primarily unconscious sources.
“Someone is really going to get hurt in here,” said mosher Vinny Frederick while tending to his fractured jaw. “I guess when someone’s feet are dangling that close to Adam’s apple level it can really do some serious damage. Spin kicks, roundhouses, and windmills are feeble compared to this man-woman amalgamation, who was nothing but a violent 10-foot-tall tornado of swinging appendages. I saw one guy passed out in a pool of his own blood. Another guy lost several teeth on a single kick. Oh, and someone else was brutally murdered as a result, but that’s actually pretty standard in the pit, so no harm, no foul there.”
Gwendolyn Herman, the woman in question, didn’t quite see the unfair advantage she had.
“It’s not my fault I tower above the pit shorties,” said Herman while hopping down from her boyfriend’s shoulders as if she were dismounting a horse. “Turns out, some people in the pit had a real problem when I stood atop Craig’s shoulders and dove feet first directly into the back of some guy’s head. Or when Craig spun us around with his fists and my legs flailing about, like the Tasmanian Devil. Did 911 really have to be called? Sure, but mainly because of all the blood and broken bones. Let’s be real, there’s nothing that says I can’t do this.”
Experts were quick to check the pit etiquette rulebook on the matter.
“All’s fair in love and moshing,” said Timothy “Shred Cakes” Baker. “For instance, crowdkilling is highly frowned upon, but not against pit policy. Brass knuckles are also legal in the pit, just not in every state, so check your local government regulations before equipping yourself at a show. Baseball bats, chainsaws, and semi-automatic weapons can also be good fun in the pit. But a woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders? It’s a tough call, but I’ll allow it.”
At press time, things got even more savage when it was revealed that the couple was polyamorous and another woman got atop Herman’s shoulders, who was still very much on her boyfriend’s shoulders in the pit.
