March 2019 - HARDTIMES

Guy Who Hasn’t Played RPG in a Week Might as Well Just Start Over

Jeremy Kaplowitz • March 31, 2019

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local gamer Martin Avery has not played Kingdom Hearts 3 for an entire week, effectively rendering all…

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Bad Hardcore Band Crosses Over Into Worse Metal Band

The Hard Times Staff • March 31, 2019

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local five-piece outfit Brain Pollution have completed their successful transition from forgettable hardcore act into atrocious metal…

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New Drummer Not Given Name So Band Doesn’t Get Too Attached

Rob Steinberg • March 30, 2019

CINCINNATI — Local band Circus Warfare last week took in their fourth new drummer within the past year, but have…

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Borderlands 3 Cover Art Revealed to Be Randy Pitchford Shooting Himself in the Foot

Jimmy Beliakoff • March 29, 2019

FRISCO, Texas — Gearbox announced today that the official box art for Borderlands 3, the newest installment in the franchise…

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Every Child Needs a Strong Father Figure Who Can Protect Them With Their Big, Powerful Eggs

Giovanni Colantonio • March 29, 2019

With the family dynamic becoming more fluid in recent years, it’s important that we take a step back and accept…

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NRA Calls New Zealand Hypocritical for Failing to Crack Down on Swords, Rings of Immense Power

Dan Rice • March 29, 2019

FAIRFAX, Va. — The NRA condemned New Zealand today as “hypocrites” for failing to crack down on legendary bladed weapons…

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HARD TIMES MOVIE REVIEW: ‘Us’ Has 3 Black Flag T-Shirts in It

Zac Lux • March 29, 2019

Jordan Peele’s highly anticipated sophomore horror spectacle, ‘Us’ hit the silver screen this past week featuring themes of duality, systematic…

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Man Arrested for Comic Mischief

Ian Kitchen • March 29, 2019

BUFFALO, N.Y. — After a night of allegedly bawdy behavior, Jason “Buzzly” Godrich was detained early this morning by Buffalo…

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Doom Metal Band Asks if They Have Time for One More Chord

Tiana Miller • March 29, 2019

PORT CHESTER, N.Y. — Doom metal band Satan’s Bong asked organizers of the Black Grief Festival if the band had…

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It’s-a No Fun Being-a Me: My-a Life With Super Mario Speech Disorder

Kyle Erf • March 28, 2019

Since I was-a just a boy, I have been-a the only known patient with-a what psychologists have dubbed Super Mario…

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