Little Victory: My Ex’s New Last Name Sucks
In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending…
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Zac Lux
34 stories found
New Jersey Hardcore Band Cancels National Tour After Realizing They Have to Pump Own Gas
TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey hardcore band Bust In canceled their first tour outside of New Jersey after realizing they…
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Guitar Enters Wall Decoration Phase
ATLANTA — The well-played guitar of local man Cody Marksen entered its next chapter as a wall decoration in his…
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Scientists Confirm Smashed Guitars Feel Pain
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars…
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10 Ways to Say No to Drugs Unless the Person You Have a Crush On is Also Doing Them
So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even…
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Child Laborer at Fast Fashion Warehouse Can’t Keep Up with Metallica Partnerships
BANGLADESH — Representatives overseeing child employees of the most successful garment factory in the country reported the illegal laborers can’t…
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Successful Metal Band Just Wants Steady Warehouse Job
NEW YORK — Frontman of award-winning Heavy Metal band Xanstärr, Joey Blakkburn, says that he and the rest of the…
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Spirit Halloween Opens at Mar-a-Lago
PALM BEACH, Fla. — East coast Floridians are excited about a new Spirit Halloween opening up at the “old Mar-a-Lago”…
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Rancid GPS Keeps Rerouting Users to Olympia, Washington
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Residents of Washington’s capitol city are reporting an influx of tourism due to Rancid’s recently launched GPS…
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Oh Fuck: We Sat Down With Kendall Jenner to Name 3 Slayer Songs and It Turns Out She Knows Way More Than Us and Now She’s Asking Us Questions
*TO EDITOR: I’M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH.* The Hard Times: Hey, nice shirt. Name 3 songs. Kendall Jenner:…
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