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Successful Metal Band Just Wants Steady Warehouse Job

NEW YORK — Frontman of award-winning Heavy Metal band Xanstärr, Joey Blakkburn, says that he and the rest of the band hope to land a steady warehouse job after their year-long world tour wraps up in New York this coming fall, confirmed sources helping the band prep their resumes.

“We got comfortable with the rock ‘n roll lifestyle and built a sense of complacency around our true dreams; working a shitty warehouse job down by the waterfront and busting each other’s balls all day until our bodies wouldn’t let us lift anything anymore,” said the 45-year-old Blakkburn. “And now I can barely lift my guitar for a couple hours before lighting it on fire and tossing it into the crowd, so I doubt I’d even be able to work the docks if I were to quit this band today. It’s sad, but I’m holding out hope there is an Amazon fulfillment center that could use someone like me pulling and packing.”

Xanstärr’s manager Blake Holstead has been actively inquiring about open positions with warehouses within ten miles of each band member’s home.

“The boys have been clamoring for something more secure for years. With music tastes changing thanks to social media platforms like TikTok they are worried they won’t be able to tour for another 30 years,” said Holstead. “They want a little job security, and warehouse work is something they have always been drawn to. Whenever they see a forklift backstage at festivals they turn into little schoolboys. It will be nice to see this next chapter for them, especially since I’ll still get 10% of their paychecks.’

Musicians finding immediate success and going on arena tours is an epidemic that has affected shipping operations worldwide.

“Kids these days are getting swept up into these uber-successful rock bands from the get. They’re missing the whole first part of rock ‘n roll. Back-breaking warehouse jobs,” said Han Welch, Warehouse Manager of the Drakes Cakes Factory in Long Island. “And it’s not only their music that takes a hit because of it, we haven’t been able to meet our shipments, we’re operating with a skeleton crew because all our prospects got picked up by major labels before they could even walk in here. And those who are here to pick up the slack? They have to listen to half-baked metal albums all day, because the ones putting out the tracks never experienced the grudge of manual labor to inspire their music. It’s a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.”

At press time, members of Xanstärr were excited to learn they got a callback for a job working the graveyard shift at a meat rendering plant.