Man’s Only Pair of Pants Begging for a Day Off
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a…
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Zac Lux — Page 2
34 stories found
Doom Rock Band Has Full Vehicle Inspection and Oil Change as Merch Items
PORTLAND, Ore. — Doom metal veterans Flaccid Obelisk is selling coupons for a full vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil…
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Jaw Unhinged Like Fucking Python in Order to Take Bite of Freakishly Tall, Expensive Gourmet Burger
CHICAGO — Local man and self-proclaimed foodie Harry Blanks unhinged his jaw like a Burmese Python in order to take…
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Aging Punk in Misfits Shirt Afraid of Teenage Punk Wearing Misfits Shirt
FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Aging punk and generally anxious person in a Misfits T-shirt Hollie Wallace parked super far away from…
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Stoner Metalhead Running a “‘Dopesmoker’ and a Half” Late to Work
BROOKLYN — Local stoner metalhead Graham Wyatt overslept this morning after a night of drinking and weed smoking, which caused…
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Broke Punk Can Only Afford to Tattoo Three Out of Four Black Flag Bars
TAMPA, Fla. — Local punk Toni “Skwerm” Malloy was disappointed to find out yesterday that she only budgeted enough for…
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BREAKING: Dad Likes Commercial
CHEEKTOWAGA, N.Y. — Local dad Steven Vuong interrupted a heartfelt conversation early yesterday evening to let family members know he…
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Aging Metalhead Turns Volume Down to Ten
RICHMOND, Va. — Local metalhead Kevin Miller turned the volume down on his amp from 11 to 10 earlier this…
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Legendary Metal Band Reunites After 7 Year Breakup to Announce Shitty Craft Beer Release
LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal band Goop has reunited after seven years apart to release a boring, flavorless craft beer…
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We Asked Our Supposedly Alcoholic Mailman What Poetry They’re Working on and They Maced Us
Every day I see the mailman and I am transfixed. Every day I imagine the sound of empty bottles clinking…
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