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Every Child Needs a Strong Father Figure Who Can Protect Them With Their Big, Powerful Eggs

With the family dynamic becoming more fluid in recent years, it’s important that we take a step back and accept reality when it comes to parenting. The hard truth is that every child needs a father figure in their life, a man who can keep them safe with their infinite supply of powerful eggs.

This may be a controversial opinion in today’s politically charged climate, but it’s simply a fact. When a child comes face to face with the many dangers of this world, it’s a father’s job to hurl his gigantic eggs at everything in their path, ensuring a safe future for his baby.

Don’t believe me? Just look at the statistics. Countless studies have shown that children who grow up without a father are 73% more likely to be kidnapped by Magikoopa and his minions. Even worse, a whopping 90% of kids with absent fathers will end up touching fuzzy, getting dizzy at some point in their life.

And it isn’t just eggs that only a dad can bring to a child’s development. Fathers have many unique abilities that mothers simply can’t bring to the table. Dads can remove obstacles from their child’s path with their impossibly long tongue, break barriers for them with their tremendous ass, and spit out watermelon seeds like a machine gun when the going gets tough. It’s just basic biology!

So, can a child still successfully grow up in a fatherless environment? Sure. But stop for a second and ask yourself: when your screaming baby is floating away in a big bubble, who’s going to flutter jump high into the sky and pop them out?

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