Opinion: It Has a Collar, Which Means My Mighty Mighty Bosstones Bowling Shirt Counts as Business Casual

Posted on by James Knapp

Some truths feel so obvious it almost seems absurd to think you’d ever have to explain them, let alone defend them in an official statement to the head of HR. Well, since my direct supervisors still refuse to accept the reality that’s right in front of them, allow me to definitively state this irrefutable fact: my Mighty Mighty Bosstones bowling shirt, in addition to being totally kickass, is also appropriate office attire.

This shouldn’t have ever been brought up for debate. It has a collar and buttons and even those little fucking cuffs around the sleeves and shit, which makes it business casual. Now, Mr. Manager, you’re trying to tell me that just because of the shirt’s insultingly neon colors and Comic Sans-ian font that it’s some sort of “unprofessional monstrosity.” Well I don’t recall reading anything about that in the employee handbook.

I hate the double standard that’s being put in place here. Everybody else gets to wear whatever fucking oxfords or polos they want, but just because my attire is repping ska-punk bad boys MMB, somehow that makes me the asshole. You gotta be kidding me!

It’s not like I don’t understand what’s really going on here. You’re jealous! You only wish you could pick it up pick it up and skank your cares away like me. Hell I bet you can’t even bowl a 140 average you dolled-up gutterballer. Maybe if you loosened up on your arbitrary wardrobe restrictions you’d be able to pick up the spare!

Okay, sorry for getting heated there for a second. Obviously we’re all a little too close to this issue.

I’ll just say that the needless judgment has to stop. But I’m willing to make a compromise. If my Mighty Mighty Bosstones shirt can be considered normal business attire just like any of the boring office shirts everyone else chooses to wear, then I’ll drop my whole position on bondage trousers not technically breaking the full-length pants rule for casual Fridays. Deal?

Diverse Scene Welcomes Second White Woman

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WHITEFISH, Mont. — An inclusive punk scene was applauded for acts of bravery late yesterday evening after members openly welcomed a second white woman to stand among their entirely white graces, touched sources reported.

“We know that punk can be seen as a bit of a boy’s club, but we’re not like those other guys who might gatekeep or prevent anyone looking for or needing a sense of community from finding it,” said DIY space organizer, show promoter, and frontman for three different bands, Russ Callaghan. “We want everyone to know that our scene is made up of a diverse group of men and women, which we can say now that there’s two of them.”

The woman in question, Casey Sapp, said she was honored to be included among her peers.

“I see this as a huge responsibility, and an opportunity to offer a different perspective to the scene,” she said of the 12 men and one woman who share the same race, socioeconomic background, and sexual identity as her. “I know I owe this to the woman who came before me, who made a huge stride in the area of standing in a room to listen to a band. Hopefully, I’ll be able to inspire those younger than me who are just coming up to not be afraid to take up space here, even if she is a woman, and especially if she is also white.”

Not everyone informed of the news was supportive of the shift in scene representation.

“I’m all for inclusivity, but seriously, I think this is just going way too far,” said scene veteran and “good dude” Elijah Hayes. “Of course we welcome all sorts of different kinds of people, that’s why we have Christine. But if we start just opening the doors to every single person who wants in, we’re gonna end up with what, three white women? Where does it end? It’s just not fair to the rest of us. We worked hard to get here. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask our moms; they drove us.”

“I feel like I don’t even recognize my own scene anymore,” he added.

At press time, every single member of the local scene was seen applying for diversity scholarships to various liberal arts colleges.

Review: Dirty Three “Ocean Songs”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Released in 1998, “Ocean Songs” is the fourth major album from the Australian rock trio, Dirty Three. Warren Ellis, Mick Turner, and Jim White transformed the landscape of instrumental post-rock by creating an intensely atmospheric album that tells a story of loneliness, redemption, and more loneliness.

“Ocean Songs” is the fourth and arguably most controversial album from the Australian rock band, Dirty Three. With its methodically slow pace and reflective violin interludes, this instrumental album raises the question, how ambient is too ambient? I answer this question and others from my hospital bed at the Mount Sinai ICU following an unforeseeable but entirely preventable car accident.

In 2015, my friends and family tried to stop me from buying a Hyundai Elantra after reading they had low power steering and that the airbags would sometimes explode on impact, which only made me want it more to prove them wrong and show them that low power steering is only a problem for men with no upper body strength. Fast-forward to summer 2021, I’m riding down the Atlantic coast in my Hyundai revisiting “Ocean Songs” for an upcoming music review when everything goes black.

The last thing I remember before crashing into the telephone pole is how smoothly the songs ebbed and flowed into each other, like lapping waves, making it impossible to tell when one song ended and another began. I felt myself growing tired and thought about pulling over, but I was completely hypnotized by this nautical lullaby made for sad adults. I found myself slipping in and out of consciousness until I finally gave myself over to sleep.

I lost two pints of blood that night, and thanks to the exploding airbags, most of my teeth, but the paramedics at the scene couldn’t get enough of “Oceans Songs” which was still playing from the aux cord of my totaled Hyundai Elantra. They said they’d never removed shattered glass from someone’s skull to such a “dreamy” and “darkly poetic” soundtrack. Though my memories of the night are spotty, I vaguely recall having my left shoulder relocated to “Sea Above, Sky Below” and thinking, “That Warren Ellis can really command a violin.”

I won’t know my exact recovery time or medical costs until I talk to the orthopedic specialist on call, but you can’t put a price on a good nap. Very few albums can create an atmosphere that lulls you to sleep while going 80mph, but that’s what good music does. It transports you to another time or place, and if it’s really good, maybe even the ICU.

Score: 6/6 skull fractures

/**/

Child Tax Credit Barely Fills in Half Sleeve

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Jacksonville, Fla. — Local part-time dad Deryk Hoyt was disappointed by how far from completion his half-sleeve was after spending his Child Tax Credit at the local tattoo shop, sources that wouldn’t expect anything different from him confirmed.

“I dunno, it just doesn’t seem like this money from the government really goes too far for the average guy. They’re bailing out all of the banks and shareholders, but the shading and coloring has to wait until we get another stimulus or something,” said Hoyt. “I mean, I’m only technically considered ‘Dad’ every other weekend, so I was thinking of using the next installment to finish up this side, and maybe put a deposit down on this wolf design I wanted to get started on my other arm. If anything’s left over, I’ll probably get my son Aiden a new Tamagotchi or whatever it is kids are into these days.”

Tattoo artist Cedric Adler said he thinks Hoyt should be spending the money on his family, but can’t complain about the revenue he’s seeing thanks to the Child Tax Credit.

“The shop has been doing great lately, and I owe it to guys like Deryk,” he said. “The second they get some extra cash, they come running into the shop like they just won tickets to the Wonka factory. Look, it’s a free world, and I’m not going to tell anybody how to parent. Should he be getting caught up on his utilities and car payments? Absolutely. But if I throw down a binder full of designs and he starts throwing cash around, I’m not gonna stop him. My kid has to eat too, and I want a Playstation 5.”

Resident punk rock economist Roger “Bones” Skully weighed in on Hoyt’s spending, saying he believes that family should come first with regard to the money.

“Instead of spending the next $300 on himself, maybe it’s time to get his kid some new clothes,” said Skully. “Get him some Dickies, a good pair of New Balance sneakers, and a chain wallet to tie it all together. Just because you have to occasionally be a provider, doesn’t mean you can’t do it with some style. Or hell, you can get a lot of Celeste Pizzas for a hundred bucks.”

At press time, Hoyt was visibly disappointed after cracking open his son’s piggy bank and finding less than $8 and a few replacement buttons.

Trapt Plays First Show in Front of Audience in Four Years

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Members of controversial nu metal outfit Trapt were reportedly overjoyed to play their first show in front of an audience in four years, underwhelmed sources have confirmed.

“This is incredible. We’re so excited to be able to get back to doing what we love the most: playing shows in front of paying audiences,” said Trapt vocalist Chris Taylor Brown shortly after arriving at The Walk-In, a recently re-opened venue. “These uncertain times have been so stressful. A lot of haters online say Trapt is just a ‘decades-old one hit wonder’ and a band that has ‘literal human shit personified as a frontman.’ Well, look at us now. The house is packed, and I’m pretty sure most of these people knew we were playing. I have a feeling 2021 is going to be a pretty good year for Trapt.”

Many in attendance at The Walk-In were thrilled for the Trapt show, or any show at all, really.

“This is so awesome to be out again,” said attendee Floyd Wagner. “I’ve been anxiously awaiting this day for so long, I can’t believe it’s finally here. I’d be lying if I said I pictured it being a Trapt show, but you know, nothing is ever like you dream it’s going to be. The best part about this is, despite the venue being able to sell shows out to full capacity again, the turnout tonight makes it pretty easy to maintain social distancing. So, silver lining to the whole Trapt thing, I guess. Maybe the opening bands will be alright at least.”

While concerts, sporting events, and other large gatherings have started to resume all over the country, many at the CDC are pleading with the public to be careful when joining large gatherings.

“Look, we’re still not sure what exposure to Trapt at this level could do to people,” said Monica Kinney, a public health advisor for the CDC. “We’ve got some field reports from their last festival appearance that says an alarming number of people that saw them play in 2017 lost their taste in music, and a disturbingly large number of them started spouting off some pretty heinous opinions on communicable diseases and the age of consent.”

As of press time, Trapt opened their set with ‘Headstrong,’ their lone hit from 2002, prompting a majority of the crowd to leave immediately following its conclusion.

How to Break up With a Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

Breaking up with someone is always difficult, but at least when you’re ending a romantic relationship there is a template to follow. Chances are it’s not your first time, and even if it is, we’ve watched breakups in film and television our entire lives. It can be much more challenging to end a different sort of interpersonal relationship. Say, a friendship that’s become toxic. Oh, but you’ve already read an article on how to do that? Okay fucker, let’s take the training wheels off: Here’s how you breakup with a goddamn son.

Dumping someone as a son can be awkward and difficult to navigate. Here is a step-by-step guide on identifying if, when, and how to break it off with a dud kid.

Ask yourself, “Does this person make me feel good, or do they make me feel drained?”
If you’ve even read this far, chances are pretty good that the bundle stopped bringing you joy a long time ago.

Have you given things a fair chance to work out?
According to child psychologist Dr. Vivian A. Platt, even the shittiest 9-year-old boy could start turning things around any day, but by 11 you can “pretty much tell which way the wind is blowing.” There is a reason for the old saying “a decade and one, I’m so fucking done.”

Look at him.
Just look at him! That smarmy, lazy, good for nothing prick! Sitting on the couch, YOUR couch, with his video games all day, asking you for shit he could just get up and get for himself like his leg’s don’t work, who the fuck does he think he is?! This is YOUR house!

Choose a public setting
When breaking up with a son, or really any of your offspring, there is a good chance for hostility on both sides. Dr. Platt suggests that having “the talk” in a busy coffee shop or dinner will help keep both parties in check.

Be direct
There is no room for non-committal language when severing ties with one of your own children. Platt advises that you avoid saying things like, “I don’t know if this is working out” or, “I/We think this is a good idea.” Look that little fucker right in the eye and tell him point blank, “It’s over.”

Thank them
There must have been a time when he was like 4 and pronounced a common word wrong and it made everyone laugh or something, talk about that or whatever. “Remember, you were both huge parts of each other’s lives and you have both shared a journey together,” says Platt. “It is important to honor that.”

Be firm
Don’t get too sappy going down memory lane. Stay on message. Remind your former child that once you leave the table, it is illegal for them to ever speak to you again. Inform them that if they wish to arrange a pickup of their things they can do so through an intermediary, but that you paid for everything they own, which means they don’t own anything, so really there is no point.

There, you are now armed with enough pop-psychology bullshit to make the biggest decision of your life so far. Remember to say “self care” a lot going forward, and if you experience any doubts, try imagining buzzwords jumping over a fence until you’re able to take a little nap.

Poser Slayer Fan Gets Out Early on Good Behavior

Posted on by Ted Pillow

DETROIT — Supposed diehard Slayer fan James Denninger was released from prison this weekend much earlier than expected due to good behavior, confirmed shocked and disappointed sources.

“As a thrash metal lover, I expected prison to be totally badass,” Denninger explained after arriving home from his commuted sentence. “I planned on spending my time hitting the bench press and getting ripped, maybe slowly rising my way through the ranks of a gang. I thought a Slayer megafan like me would be welcomed with open arms, but in actuality everybody treated me like shit. It turns out all the guys in there for murder or armed robbery didn’t have a lot of respect for me after they found out I was only serving a 30-day sentence for fishing out of season.”

Denninger’s fellow inmates confirmed that they had little respect for him, despite his commendable taste in music.

“Denninger? What a punk bitch,” noted cellmate Morris Clarke. “We all thought he’d be legit because he had a massive Slayer logo carved into his arm. Hell, I’ve got an ‘Angel of Death’ tattoo myself. But man, we were totally wrong. That lame-ass poser spent the whole three weeks he was here following all of the damn rules, reading in the library, and crying himself to sleep. It was like we were dealing with a fucking Anthrax fan or something.”

Although Denninger frustrated the other inmates, prison officials were impressed with his positive attitude and exemplary behavior.

“We get quite a few metalheads here at Michigan State Penitentiary,” noted warden Harry O’Brien. “Usually, they cause a lot of trouble. You know, starting fights, writing 666 on cafeteria tables with their own blood, getting visitors to smuggle in replica viking swords. Pretty standard stuff. But Mr. Denninger was a model prisoner. I wish him the best and I hope he does well in our new, special rehabilitation program that places paroled Slayer fans in jobs at Ace Hardware stores.”

As of press time, Denninger was catching up on everything he missed out on while in prison by tending to his beloved flower garden while listening exclusively to thrash metal released in 1987.

Giant Line of Cocaine Lands Starring Role In Another Scorsese Film

Posted on by Tony Morse

BURBANK, Calif. — Hollywood is abuzz amidst reports that one of its most fabled power couples, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and his ‘70s muse, a giant line of cocaine, will reunite for an upcoming film, paranoid sources stated on conditions of anonymity.

“I’ve been behind the eight ball lately. Late on child support, rent, and what I owe my bookie. Thank Christ Marty called me when he did,” said the struggling 27-inch-long line of glistening white powder through pressured speech and repeated sniffling. “I heard Ketamine might get this part, but please. Joe Pesci ain’t gonna tell ya ta go fuck your mother from some K-hole. I make everything more enjoyable, but Martin gets me the most credit. Thought I was a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor with ‘Boogie Nights,’ but reviews were all Heather Graham’s roller-skates this, and Marky Mark’s huge piece that. Then Johnny Depp promises script revisions for ‘Blow,’ but after all his yeah-yeah-yeah bullshit, turns out he just wanted a scene where he snorts me off of Penelope Cruz’s tits. Degenerate fuckin’ jagoff.”

Although few were surprised to see the two rekindle their cinematic partnership, the news sparked temporary pep among film critics.

“This casting is a natural fit for Scorsese’s relentless obsession with excessive excesses,” explained film historian Leonard Maltin. “Whether he’s drenching the screen with superfluous parades of redundant violence, saturating audiences with exaggerated displays of uninhibited Catholic guilt, or putting ‘Gimme Shelter’ on the soundtrack for the tenth fucking time, nothing helps this director make his repetitive point over and over again quite like some flake.”

Fans were also ecstatic, eager to return to something familiar in an increasingly unpredictable world.

“I like Scorsese because his characters are glamorous and heroic, and the stories aren’t too deep,” explained cinephile Peter Fox. “Maybe I’m missing something, but all he’s trying to say is that Wall Street grifters, crooked casino bosses, and murderers get to do all this cool looking shit that the rest of us don’t. And doing cool shit is cool.”

According to industry insiders, Mr. Scorsese is contemplating how many more characters need to suffer horrific deaths and inglorious fates before his viewers finally get the actual fucking point already.

Juggalo Only Listens to Medical Advice from Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

THORNVILLE, Ohio — Local Juggalo Andreas “Wicked Kush” Fleming is ignoring all CDC recommendations while attending this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos and choosing to only take medical advice from leading Killer Klown physician Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya.

“The government is mad fucked, yo. You got a bunch of rich dudes that went to college for a few years trying to shank my nugbone with some poison, but I ain’t down for that shit,” said Fleming while sharing a hookah. “Juggalos live by their own set of rules, and that includes our mothafuckin’ wellness. Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya PH mothafuckin’ D — the D stands for ‘Big ass dick’ — says that true Juggalos and Juggalettes don’t have to worry about a damn thing because the Great Malenko will protect us until we get to Shangri-La.”

Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya has been treating members of the Juggalo community for years, despite not having any formal education or training in the field.

“There hasn’t been a single bitch-ass case of COVID at the Gathering because Juggalos are pumped full of of antibodies thanks to the corn sizzurp in these ice cold bottles of Faygo, bitch,” said Da Slaya from a first aid tent filled with cannabis smoke. “I’ve studied the bodies of thousands of Juggalettes, if you know what I’m saying, so I know how anatomy works. Everyone just needs to make sure they are high as mothafuckin’ fuck at all times, and that they show love to all the Juggalo family, and we will get through this bullshit. Whoop whoop, killas.”

Members of the Ohio medical community admitted they are worried that Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya’s guidance may lead to terrible consequences.

“We have already had a few of these ‘Juggalos’ come to the emergency room, but they refused to be treated unless we played ‘Twiztid’ on full blast. It was awful having to work with that noise, but it was the only way the patients would listen to us,” said Dr. Andrea Howell. “They are an interesting bunch. I treated one young man for a respiratory issue and noticed that his nipple piercing was severely infected. When I pointed out that he needs to take better care of himself, he pulled out a mini hatchet and told me to ‘shut my fucking face hole.’ I informed him that was not medically advisable.”

At press time, Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya is topping the short list of candidates for Surgeon General of Florida.

If Negging Doesn’t Work, then Why Am I So Obsessed With My Cat?

Posted on by Eli Johnson

The past decade has not been kind to the pickup artist community. Ever since PUAs entered the mainstream, the media has described our methods as “manipulative,” “toxic,” and “sad.” Specifically, the foundational technique of negging, which is the act of insulting a potential partner to undermine their self-esteem, has been called into question in both its ethics and effectiveness. Well, to that I have but one question: if negging doesn’t work, then how the hell else did my cat get me so invested in garnering her approval?

If you don’t believe that demeaning a person causes them to seek validation, you’ve clearly never been aggressively approached by a stranger in a pork pie hat who pointed out that you have split ends. Or a fluffy ball of fur purring at your feet only to hiss when you bend over to pet it. If you want proof of the power of negging, look no further than my domestic partnership with my three-year-old tabby, Demetria. You’ll see just how much of a pathetic simp I’ve become.

It all began shortly after I brought her home from the shelter. As a devout student of the pickup arts, her methods were unmistakable. She instantly grabbed my attention by peacocking on top of the dresser, knocking over a number of potted plants in the process. Then the kino-ing started as she brushed against my legs just before burying her claws into my thigh. Recently, she acts like I don’t even exist. I’ve been determined to prove my value to her ever since. It’s simple biology. Trust the science.

At this point, I’d do anything to please her. She only gets top-of-the-line wet food, and I maxed out my credit card on a three-story cat tree that she barely touches. Did any of this elicit even the slightest bit of affection from her? No! And I love it. After lining her litter box with imported Tahitian white beach sand, she peed on a pile of freshly cleaned laundry. God, she’s incredible.

Demetria has taught me so much, and I can’t wait to try out some of her techniques. I know women love cats, so mentioning that I own one would be a great move if I ever get to that part of my routine. Thanks to the PUA tips I learned from my cat, pretty soon I’ll be so good at picking up women I’ll be making her jealous!