CUPERTINO, Calif. — Facebook services suffered the longest outage in over a year, leading directly to a massive wave of Americans finally getting vaccinated for COVID-19, overwhelmed medical sources confirmed.
“Around 9:15 a.m. we started to see a lot of people in their mid-50s just aimlessly wandering the streets and a lot of them made their way to a mobile vaccination site that had been a ghost town for the past two months,” said Anita Rivea, a Newport Beach nurse. “These are the same people that were walking by our tent just yesterday calling us ‘communists’ and threatening to murder our pets. But without Facebook they were in a haze, they had lost the ability to copy and paste bogus news articles and were basically helpless. Some of them were mumbling ‘do your own research’ after the shot, but for the most part, they just sat there trying not to drool on themselves.”
Glenn Barnett is one of the many avid Facebook users that finally received his first round of vaccinations.
“Today has been sort of a blur. I woke up, logged on, made a couple of threatening comments on an article about Anthony Fauci, and then I was just about to make a post about how being ‘gender non-binary’ doesn’t make sense to me and my screen went blank,” said Barnett. “I called Facebook, nobody picked up. So then I called Lenovo customer service and started screaming at them that they sold me a piece of shit computer and the lady told me Facebook was having an outage. At that point, the room started spinning. I couldn’t remember if Biden had stolen the election or if Trump had simply stepped down. After about an hour of silence, my brain started to focus again and I drove downtown and got the vaccine.”
The sudden uptick in vaccinations caught the attention of the Biden administration, which immediately attempted to take credit for the surge.
“Our messaging has been firm and it has been spot on since day one,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “There have been many disinformation campaigns on social media, and this increase in vaccinations shows that if there is nothing to distract the average American they will begrudgingly make the right choice as they meander out of their echo chambers and snap back into reality.”
The outage, which also disrupted popular photo-sharing app Instagram, caused teen girls across the country to have a positive outlook on life for the first time in years.