Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

We Sat Down With Jamiroquai and Struggled Because Their Publicist Said No Hat Questions

Posted on October 3, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

There’s perhaps no bigger name in mid-1990s, London-based acid-funk-jazz bands than Jamiroquai, which is why we felt lucky to score an interview with the whole band! We sat down with the ‘Quai and prepared to launch into an in-depth, exhaustive discussion of the band, when their publicist asked us to step into another room and told us that under no circumstances were we to ask the band any questions about hats.

Not going to lie, like a good 90% of our questions were about hats, so this one was a struggle. Here’s the best we could do on the spot:

The Hard Times: Oh hey, sorry, just give us a minute. We had a whole list of questions ready, but Staci says we have to come up with something else.
One of the Guys in Jamiroquai, Probably the Lead Singer: No worries, mate. Staci takes good care of us, but we’re real chill. Take your time.

So…what’s up, guys how’s it going?
It’s alright.

Okay, so you’re not going to give us a lot to work off of. That’s fine, that’s cool. We’re professionals. How about…20 Questions? Who can guess what we’re looking at right now?
You’re clearly looking at Paul [Turner, longtime bassist].

Damn, we thought that would eat up a bit more time. Wait, we just remembered something. Here’s a good one, in the “Virtual Insanity” music video, were you actually moving all freaky like that or was it special effects?
Mate, that was all special effects. Michel [Gondry, filmmaker and music video director] did everything. Wasn’t even really singing, all lip-sync.

Michel Gondry! Oh he’s super interesting, let’s talk about him for a while! Any crazy stories from working with that dude?
No, not really. He was nice.

Okay. Hmm. This is going to sound dumb, but is Jamiroquai like the main guy or all of you? Sorry, sorry. That was just filler.
You’re a card, mate. Funny stuff!

Oh, I remember something we can talk about! One of your songs was in the movie Napoleon Dynamite, right?
Really? Which one?

Fuck. Never mind let’s just uhm, I don’t know… if you had one wish what would it be?
World peace.

Yeah, cool. Kind of a canned answer though, no?
Yeah, got a million of em. We’re really good at interviews.

How is everyone feeling comfort-wise? Is everyone’s head warm enough?
What makes you ask that?

Okay, we know we’re not supposed to, but, dude…what’s with the hats?
STACI!

At that point the floor started moving beneath us, carrying us toward the exit as the one guy who was wearing a giant fuzzy hat the entire time was screaming at everyone. Pretty scary stuff.

Name of Hometown Tattooed on Punk Who Hasn’t Been There in 15 Years

Posted on October 3, 2021 by Danny Taverner

SAN FRANCISCO — Big-city punk Oliver Lewis recently got the name of his hometown, “Kingston,” tattooed across his stomach despite not visiting the Massachusetts town he spent his childhood in for over a decade, multiple friends with similar tattoos confirmed.

“I’d be nothing without that place. Kingston runs through my blood,” reported Lewis, whose family still lives in the same house he grew up in. “Going to shows at the VFW hall, skipping class to go skate the loading docks at Stop and Shop, getting kicked out of the McDonald’s on Route 53… Kingston is unlike any town in the world. This tattoo is a tribute to the place that made me the person I am today. Kingston runs through my blood and now it’s permanently etched onto my body. Once flights back home are a bit cheaper and this whole pandemic thing is done, I’ll definitely go back to my old stomping grounds.”

Martin Lane, Lewis’ childhood friend who still resides in Kingston, hasn’t seen the now-San Francisco-based punk since they graduated high school.

“We follow each on Instagram, so I saw the tattoo. I’m surprised he didn’t get it done here in town. I know a guy who could give you a sleeve for $80 that works out behind the Cumberland Farms,” said Lane. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him for making it out of Kingston, but I’d love it if he actually came back to visit every once in a while. I don’t even care that he owes me $50, I just want to see my friend. And I think it would be really cool to show him how much the mall has changed and how many places we used to eat at have gone out of business.”

The Kingston Board of Selectmen have offered specific perks to Lewis in hopes of drawing him back to town.

“We’d love it if he came back for the annual carnival. We would make sure he gets all the fried dough and stuffed animals a boy could want,” said Selectmen Jessica Kramer. “But we are starting to come to terms with the fact that nothing will bring him back. We even made his grandmother Betty the master of ceremonies this year, but he hasn’t sent back his RSVP. My biggest wish is to see him back in Kingston before my term is over in a year and a half. At the very least, he could write back to the kids who idolize him so much.”

Lewis plans on continuing the hometown motif by getting the Kingston Commuter Rail schedule tattooed on his back.

10 Super-Cute Life Hacks For Fall

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Cathy Herbert

Fall is in the air and it’s time to bring the seasonal flair! Try these ten genius life hacks to up your autumn game this year.

Upcycle a Jack-o-Lantern into a Mask for Your Annual Thanksgiving Family Bank Robbery

Be good to the environment and give the kids a second Halloween at the same time.

Print Counterfeit Money on Paper Made from Mulched Leaves

Making your own paper is almost as fun as making your own rules! Autumn leaves are especially good for printing international money.

Steal the Crown Jewels of Denmark

The crown jewels of Denmark make the perfect shiny accent for any festive centerpiece. Simply nestle the jewels amongst a tasteful arrangement of fall foliage and small gourds.

Knit Your Own Getaway Car

After the family bank robbery, you need to get back to your safehouse in time to baste the turkey. A knitted car is perfect for its lightweight design and ability to blend into the crowd during sweater weather season.

Hide Evidence in an Infinity Scarf

They’re big, bunchy, and can be worn a thousand ways! Including as a discreet pouch for your weapons, contraband, and trace DNA!

Ply an Elected Official with Mulled Wine

Get them to confess to their part in a major scandal, then blackmail them for the rest of their career. We recommend a burgundy with clove and cinnamon for liberals and a nutmeg chardonnay for conservatives.

Execute a Hostile Takeover of the Offices of a Major Corporation

Once the place is yours, host a pop-up craft sale and spiced cider cafe. Cubicles make great vendor stalls and the employees will be secretly grateful to you for saving them from the nine to five slog.

Smuggle Drugs in a Shipment of Instant Pumpkin Spice Latte Powder

It’s basically drugs already, am I right?

Launder Money Through an Apple Pie Stand at the Local Fair

Nothing says “fall has arrived” like an old fashioned apple pie. And nothing says “legitimate business” like an old fashioned apple pie stand. Cash only, please!

Go into Hiding with a Whole New Identity Created by Mixing and Matching the Hottest Fall Fashion Trends

After you fake your own death, you gotta make a new life for yourself asap. Try pairing an oversized crocheted sweater with a bronze highlight wig. So fun! So inconspicuous!

Benjamin Button Admittedly Getting More Liberal as He Reverse-Ages

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Bobby Korec

NEW ORLEANS — Local man who either looks good for his age or bad for his age Benjamin Button revealed that his political outlook is trending more liberal as he ages in reverse, sources who noticed that he hadn’t used the term “libtards” in quite some time confirmed.

“The younger I get, the more I believe health care should be affordable, and we need to start taxing corporations at a more fair rate,” said Button while subscribing to the New York Times. “I would’ve never guessed it either, considering I came out of the womb as a 100-year-old-man with impenetrable conservative beliefs. But then just last week I found myself instinctively browsing Ruth Bader Ginsburg replica judge collars on Etsy. I guess that means at some point I’ll lose interest in Tucker Carlson in favor of Rachel Maddow, and then eventually get all my political talking points from ‘Sesame Street’ like a child. I hate getting young.”

Those close to Button are noticing gradual shifts in his belief structure.

“When we first started dating we bonded over conservative values like Reaganomics and the right to own military-grade weapons to defend your home against intruding raccoons,” said Button’s wife Daisy Fuller. “But now he’s slowly morphing into a full-blown ‘Bernie Bro’ who believes no one should live in poverty. Gross. What happened to that checked-out curmudgeon I fell in love with who didn’t pretend to give a shit about climate change? Unbelievable.”

Experts who have studied how political beliefs change over time say this is a common phenomenon.

“It’s actually a myth that you get more conservative with age,” said psychologist Terry Montague. “You typically just become more set in your ways, which just so happens to be a conservative trait. You see, culture evolves so quickly that at some point you just stop trying to keep up and start voting for right-wing candidates who strategically claim that the good old days were better. If anything, it’s possible to get more conservative through a steady stream of misinformed memes that use simple straw-man arguments on Facebook. Otherwise, you were probably conservative all along.”

At press time, Button revealed that he would’ve voted for Obama for a third term, despite admittedly not even voting for him the first two times.

Oblivious Mom Turns Old Band Shirts Into $26,000 Quilt

Posted on October 2, 2021 by Peter Woods

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local punk Matthew Verne reportedly suffered an immense financial loss after his mother repurposed over $26,000 worth of old band shirts into a decorative quilt, aghast sources confirmed.

“You never think something like this could happen to you,” a visibly shocked Verne said. “My mom said I had some stuff in the basement that she wanted to use for a new project she saw on Etsy. I figured she was going to paste some old papers I wrote in high school onto a birdhouse or something. I really didn’t expect this. I left all the shirts there because I figured they would be safe and could accrue a bit of value before I quit my dumb job for good. The Helmet ‘Meantime’ concert shirt alone was at least $300. This was my entire retirement plan just sewn together into a dull black blanket nobody will ever use.”

According to Verne’s mother, Julia, she shared her son’s feelings of surprise.

“I know I’m a pretty good sewer, but I had no idea I was $26,000 good!” said Julia Verne. “Just goes to show you what you can do with a few old rags lying around and a little bit of elbow grease. I mean, I probably wouldn’t pay that much for a quilt made of scraps, but it still feels nice to have your work appreciated by people. It was a great surprise to see how emotional Matthew was when he saw the quilt. He just cried and kept saying, ‘Why would you do this?’ It was a nice moment.”

Despite Julia Verne’s excitement over the quilt’s value, vintage merchandise traders are deeply worried this will start a disastrous trend.

“The moment all the other bored moms hear about this, we’re screwed,” said vintage shop owner Niko Dallen. “A good 30% of the store’s income comes from selling vintage shirts that parents get sick of having in their homes. We won’t be able to recover if these people start making arts and crafts with our potential inventory. Maybe we can convince them that making macaroni necklaces or gluing bottle caps to stuff is a better idea or something.”

In the wake of receiving the quilt, government officials have already taken steps to help Matthew Verne recoup his losses. The director of FEMA petitioned the US Government to allocate emergency funding, claiming the quilt is “the single greatest second-hand merch revenue disaster since Troy’s mom melted his record collection into those weird, unusable bowls.”

Photo by Peter Woods

Brave: This Security Guard Does Every Racist Thing a Cop Does but Without a Gun

Posted on October 2, 2021 by John Danek

Mr. James Bartnik isn’t your average enforcer of the law in Toledo, Ohio. He does his job without a gun or taser or any means to impersonally kill someone, yet maintains all of the racial prejudices of a typical police officer. How does he do it?

“Oh, you know, it’s pretty easy. I defend this here Wells Fargo bank like my hypothetical, very white daughter is playing with her very white Polly Pocket dolls in there,” explained Bartnik, who reportedly has no children or spouse. “I find it very easy to muster up the courage to loudly question whether or not some gang of teens have any proper business at this establishment.”

Due to federal felony charges stemming from an attempt to get a forged birth certificate from Kenya to invalidate Barack Obama’s presidency, Bartnik is not eligible to find work as a police officer, but he’s no quitter. He brought his racial profiling skills to the private sector.

You name it, Bartnik has done it. Abuse of power? Racial profiling? Harassment and use of excessive force? All in a days work for this gun-less wonder.

His most essential asset, even more valuable than his incredible sturdiness and low center of gravity, is the delusion that his presence provides an essential and beneficial effect to his surroundings.

“This bank would get robbed twice a day if it weren’t for me, especially with all the low-income housing in this neighborhood. So whenever I see some… potential troublemakers…” whispered Bartnik while darting his eyes from side to side, “I have a trusty list of go-to means to insert myself into the situation.”

To Bartnik, his words are his bullets. “Things like yelling, ‘Hey, those window tints are illegal, I’m calling the cops’ or ‘Are you even a citizen?’ That scares pretty much everyone off before things have a chance of getting physical.”

Despite Ohio’s significant distance from Mexico, Bartnik believes that the lack of a proper border wall is the primary reason why “crime is on the rise.”

“Trump did everything he could to protect our country with the wall, but those idiot Dems decided they’d rather let all the dickheads in to take our most essential jobs,” said Bartnik with tears in his eyes, despite violent crime being on the decline for the past 30 years. “It’s so bad. One of those illegal immigrants hopped the border, got picked up by the Patriots as tight end, and killed a bunch of people. Thanks a lot Biden. Go Browns.”

Aging Punk Lies To Doctor To Make It Seem Like He’s Drinking More Than He Really Is

Posted on October 2, 2021 by James Knapp

SAINT PAUL, Minn. — 37-year-old punk Ronald “Buckets” Drearer grossly exaggerated how much alcohol he regularly consumes in order to seem cooler during a recent checkup with his general practitioner, sources with pretty mediocre health insurance confirmed.

“I may not be able to drink like I used to, but there’s no way I’m gonna admit it to this egghead in a white jacket with his fancy stethoscope. Shit, I bet I could still drink him under the table; you know, as long as I ate a decent lunch and make sure to take my acid reflux medicine,” explained Drearer. “Sure, my cholesterol may be a little higher than in my twenties and I can’t really stay awake past ten o’clock anymore, but goddamnit I can still fuck shit up. Oh, but don’t tell my wife I swore. Since my son turned three years old, ‘f-bombs’ are a no no in our house.”

Drearer’s attending physician, Peter Hoitzman, MD., detailed his experience during the checkup, flagrantly disregarding doctor-patient confidentiality.

“I’ve been Mr. Drearer’s family doctor for several years now, and his health has actually improved substantially over that time. Which is why I thought it was so odd that he insisted he can drink at least five Jaeger bombs in an hour. At his age, that’s a three-day hangover, minimum,” said Hoitzman. “Of course I know people lie about how much they drink all the time, and it doesn’t make any sense. I’m not here to judge, I’m here to let you know that if you continue to drink a handle of economy-brand scotch every night, then you are going to die very soon.”

Abby Thorpe, statistician for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, informed on a recent trend NIAAA has recognized among aging punks.

“A while back we noticed that fewer and fewer punks were dying young despite professing their intent to do so. When we launched a case study into the matter, we realized that punk drinking tends to drop off precipitously around the age of thirty-three, the year most punks decide to give business school another shot,” Thorpe related. “When we looked into it further, we found out that alcohol preference also shifts, with many old punks preferring a small glass of chardonnay as opposed to the more traditional beer bong full of OE.”

Drearer is currently recovering after he confirmed that the blood pressure medication he was prescribed is “some pretty hardcore stuff.”

Congress Narrowly Avoids Shutdown After Crowd Chants “One More Bill”

Posted on October 1, 2021 by Ryan Fleishman

WASHINGTON — Congress signed a last-minute funding measure to narrowly avoid a government shutdown today after a crowd gathered on Capitol Hill began chanting “one more bill,” confirmed sources worked up into a frenzy.

“We’ve got a lot on our plate this week, and members on both sides of the aisle are exhausted from the long hours we’ve spent in the same room as Ted Cruz,” said Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Hearing a rowdy group of enthusiastic Congress fans clamoring for one more bill in those final moments really carried us through to pass this stopgap solution. It takes a lot to get us to do something for our constituents, and tonight, the crowd really inspired us to give our voters a glimmer of false hope that we might actually deliver on our campaign promises.”

Arlene Brodsky, a member of the bustling crowd who proudly displays lawn signs saying “Everyone is Welcome in This House,” said the energy from the group grew more raucous and desperate as the deadline to fund the government loomed.

“I’ve been following Build Back Better since its early days, but this is my first time really seeing these guys live in action, and it was even more electrifying than I imagined,” Brodsky said, wearing a homemade tee-shirt declaring herself a ‘Joe Stanchin.’ “Obviously, I knew they wouldn’t get to every piece of legislation on my list of faves, but when I heard that they might be going home without passing Biden’s agenda or averting a shutdown, something changed in me. I don’t know if I started the chant or someone else did. It’s like we melded into one person as a crowd. It’s crazy how energized you can be when you’re in fear of the global economy collapsing and the social safety net dissolving.”

A staffer from Representative Josh Gottheimer’s office who wished to remain anonymous said that some aides were shocked to see the funding bill passed both the Senate and House.

“As a moderate, Josh is committed to blocking anything significant from getting to Biden’s desk,” the staffer explained. “But there’s something so powerful about an audience of people cheering you on. There were a few moments when they were reading parts of the bill on the floor, and they’d hold out the mic and let the crowd sing every other word for them. You could tell the Reps were absolutely eating it up. It makes you wonder how great they’d feel if they passed laws that make people’s lives easier. I know it sounds wild, but I’m going to definitely bring it up as an idea at our next campaign brainstorm for Gottheimer 2022.”

As of press time, Senator Sanders was showing a few members of the crowd how to carve a bong from the Senate gavel.

We Compare the Top Gold-Plated Guitar Cables Instead of Confronting the Reality That We Are Incapable of Writing Songs That Move Others

Posted on October 1, 2021 by John Danek

When it comes to songwriting, the most important thing you need to understand is your audience. But since we’re an emotionless husk with no ability to express our vision of the human condition, we’re gonna focus on our gear instead.

Sadly, we could write the most technically sound song ever composed, but it won’t matter since we can’t connect to our audience. That’s why it’s so important to connect our guitar with high-quality audio cables. Gold-plated cables ensure that our connection to our amp will be crystal clear, which is good since no one at this show gets what we’re going for and we’re starting to worry no one ever will.

When it comes to gold cables, there are two names that stand above the rest: Mogami and Monster. We noticed that any cables from these companies are at least twice the price of their competitors. But that’s nothing near the price we constantly pay for pouring our soul into music that dies in the cold, cold void that is our Bandcamp page.

Mogami cables are known for their longevity and quality control, while Monster has an amazing lifetime warranty. These factors are important because once we invested in one of these gold-plated cables, we were much less invested in our personal failure to connect with fellow humans.

We also found that Monster cables lost a few Hz more of top-end signal around 24kHz, but Mogami tended to lose some deep lows at 6-Hz. While the human ear can’t actually hear either of those frequencies, they aren’t listening to our derivative, generic songs anyway.

Social Distortion Encore Consists Entirely of Mike Ness Revving Engine of Cherry 1946 Plymouth Deluxe

Posted on October 1, 2021December 10, 2025 by The Hard Times Staff

VENTURA, Calif. — Social Distortion fans were treated to an extra special encore from frontman Mike Ness who used the extra 15 minutes of stage time revving the engine of a restored muscle car, excited sources confirmed.

“That was so fucking sick. When the band was playing through their set I was starting to worry that nobody was going to show us what was under the hood of the car parked off to the side of the stage,” said longtime fan Woody Lemire. “But yeah, sure enough, the crowd started chanting ‘Social D’ after their final song, and all of a sudden the car’s headlights turned on and Mike turned the engine over and let it fucking rip. Easily one of the best encores I’ve ever seen.”

Ness admitted he was surprised by the positive reaction to the unique encore of the first few stops of the band’s current tour.

“I knew our fans loved classic cars, but I didn’t realize they loved them this much. We could have probably played six songs and then spent the next 45 minutes doing burnouts in the parking lot and people would have lost their shit, but gas is so expensive we figured it’s best just to let the fans hear some horsepower,” said Ness after changing the oil in the band’s tour bus. “Next tour we’re going to offer some VIP packages where fans get to sit in the back seat while I rev the engine, maybe even have a couple people hold a flashlight for me while I change some spark plugs.”

Venues hosting Social Distortion are making special accommodations in order to get the mint condition 1946 Plymouth Deluxe on stage for use during the encore.

“Last time Social Distortion played the Bay Area, they had an entire 1950s diner with a fully operational soda fountain on stage, so we knew that we had to be prepared,” said UC Theatre talent buyer Dillon Hammond. “Thankfully their stage dressing is rather tame on this tour in comparison. All we had to do was build a ramp to the stage and then their road crew will throw up a few posters of pinup girls, some vintage tool cabinets, and install one of those rigs to pull an engine in order to make it look like the car will be in an authentic garage.”

The band’s management reminded all potential showgoers that they will need to sign a waiver before entering the show that allows Ness to punch them in the face if they are a Trump supporter.

Catch Social Distortion’s next encore Thursday October 7th at The UC Theatre in Berkeley, CA. Tickets available HERE