Paleontologists Prove Gorillaz Once Used Basic Pro Tools

Posted on by Dan Rice

LONDON — A team of Paleontologists excavating an abandoned music studio uncovered what they believe to be evidence that Gorillaz at one point routinely made use of basic Pro Tools, multiple sources familiar with the dig confirmed.

“We were initially called to the scene when the owner of the building was renovating their basement and found evidence of sound proofing and three high-end microphones,” said Dr. Kim Everly, head of the team behind the recent find. “We got to work immediately and found all sorts of carvings on the bathroom walls that indicate a rudimentary culture based on having sex with moms and accusations of homosexuality. We soon realized all of the computers run Windows XP, and a lot of the loops we’re finding simply couldn’t be produced by hand alone.”

If speculation holds out, this could help scientists explain the long debated mystery of how such a primitive band was able to produce tracks as dope as “19-200” and “Clint Eastwood.”

“When we think of early Gorillaz, we tend to think of Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett swinging around in trees and throwing feces at each other with a slew of collaborators,” said musical anthropologist Ezra Dill. “Frankly, our findings turn that notion on its head completely. It seems that Gorillaz not only used Pro Tools preset functions, but also had a deep understanding of the technology that makes us wonder if there was a more evolved intelligence working behind the scenes.”

While the find marks the first time that signs of Gorillaz activity and Pro Tools were found in such close proximity, not everyone in the paleontology community was so quick to make assumptions.

“All we know for sure is that Gorillaz were in close proximity to basic Pro Tools. There is no evidence that they actually tracked or mixed any material using this technology,” insisted skeptical scientist Dr. Steven Yung. “There is still every chance that those computers were left in that studio by Daft Punk, The Chemical Brothers, or some other type of hominid, possibly Homo Habilis.”

On the heels of this discovery, scientists announced the conclusion of a 37-year study that shows Black Crowes are able to solve basic puzzles and can remember most faces as long as they haven’t been drinking.

Bisexual Unicorn? This Woman Tolerates a Man’s Presence While She Flirts With His Girlfriend

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

It’s finally happening! This woman didn’t immediately recoil when my girlfriend and I approached her at the bar because we “really liked her vibe.” In fact, she even sort of nodded in my general direction before winking at my girlfriend and saying, “Hey, I’m Alex.” in a breathy voice!

Unprecedented!

And that was just the beginning. Sonja complimented Alex’s Doc Martens, which started a full-blown conversation! I wasn’t involved in the conversation or made to feel like I should chime in at all, but I was there! This could be the night I dreamed of when I used three credit cards to purchase a $5k California King bed!

Alex asked Sonja what beer she’s drinking, giving me the perfect opportunity to jump in with, “I’ve got a Budweiser!” Yes, I am so in! I proved that I existed and they both stopped talking long enough to acknowledge this fact, so I was officially on the board.

Okay, I might have come off a little too eager, but no worries — Alex tightly smiled and responded “that’s nice, Bud” before turning back to Sonja and repeating her question. Incredible! Three-way town here I come!

They were just five minutes into the conversation and already reached the nickname stage of flirting. All I could think was “Man, I am nailing this!”

Sonja complimented Alex’s mullet, and Alex offered to give Sonja a free haircut at her salon, The Butcher Shoppe. Sonja sure knew how to keep the conversation moving. She’s a natural! It was like I didn’t even need to be there at all!

Well at this point the three of us had exchanged a lot of words, and though I personally only spoke 4 of those words, I figured it was time to seal the deal. Without even thinking about it I fired out a line that was smooth as hell:

“Hey, would you like to come home with us tonight?”

And it totally worked! Well, it would have worked, except Alex said she wasn’t free tonight. That’s kind of weird, considering she was already out at this bar, Bechdel & Broads, just hanging by the pool table before we approached her.

Did I completely misread the situation?

Whoops, never mind! Turns out Alex wasn’t rejecting us after all and she’d totally be into a threesome in the future. That must be why she put her number in Sonja’s phone and whispered “let’s hang out sometime” before leaving the bar on her Ducati. Score!

Juggalo’s Case of Whoop Whooping Cough Actually COVID

Posted on by Gabe Porter

THORNVILLE, Ohio – Disciple of the Dark Carnival Blaketon Lang, known among friends as Krazy Ryder Bitch, confused a common case of Whoop Whooping cough for COVID-19 while attending the Gathering of the Juggalos 2021, wicked sources confirmed.

“At first I was motherfucking certain that it was just a regular case whoop whooping cough, that shit spreads around every gathering like smoke from dank bud. No big deal, right? But I noticed that something was not fucking right when I could barely taste the clown’s elixir, Faygo,” Lang said while blowing his painted nose. “That shit sucked, but all and all, I don’t know why people complain about it. Though, I have been blessed with the holy communion of my two gods, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, so I ain’t gonna get anything life-threatening. Alright, get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get to the party.”

Some Juggalos are worried about the safety of the event and its regulations.

“Okay, like, I’m a fan of ICP and everything, but come on!” said Juggalo Rat King Money, A.K.A. Jim Hughes. “No one is wearing a mask. Well, there are a lot of people wearing masks, but they are like those masks from those sick ass Jason movies, they don’t do shit for airborne contagions my dude. And I can’t even get anywhere without getting well within six feet of others. With every ‘whoop whoop’ I can see the COVID particles flying through the air and infecting me. I thought that the Juggalos were a family, but this has proven to me that they are dangerous and are trying to get us killed.”

Juggalo doctor, Dr. Magical Goon, explained the methods for treating the several COVID cases that have appeared.

“We have a simply miraculous group of mothafuckin’ experts to help aid any hurting Juggalos,” Dr. Magical Goon said during a routine hatchet removal operation. “With the advanced medicine we got, anything from a Faygo can to the head to COVID can be cured, brother. First, we douse you in Faygo to disinfect your clothes. Usually, after that, we let you into the medicine cabinet to grab a couple of pills and some cough syrup, ok muthafucka? After that, you’re cured, bitch! It must work cause I never see a patient twice.”

At press time, Krazy Ryder Bitch also tested positive for seven different STDs and is still certain this trip was worth it.

Opinion: “Sound Guy” Is a Sexist Term. Women Can Be Needlessly Irate Control Freaks Too!

Posted on by James Knapp

I can’t believe that “sound guy” is still a socially acceptable thing to call someone. What year is this, 2004?! How can this scene even claim to be inclusive and progressive if we’re not willing to admit that women can also be horrible monsters driven mad with the smallest modicum of authority over the placement of the mic stands? Is there no justice for the sisterhood?!

But oh sure, none of you think this is important. You’re all like, “We didn’t mean to offend you,” and “Please lady, for the love of fuck, can we please just finish our sound check already.” Oh we’ll finish sound check, but first, we’re gonna check your outdated, patriarchal views!

Since you haven’t been able or willing to correct your problematic diction on your own, here’s a few suggestions to replace that belittling “sound guy” you keep using:

  • Sound human
  • Sounder
  • Auralogist
  • Noise jerk
  • Master of the PA
  • Cocaine and microphone connection
  • Sweaty automaton possessing either testicles or labia or both or neither

See! How hard was that? Those were just a few off the top of my head, but feel free to take notes. And while you’re at it maybe also take note that amps only get loaded in from the east side of the stage and loaded out from the south. I have a whole system!

I guess the biggest issue I have with this is how thoughtlessly you would apply such a term. It’s like you don’t even see me for who I really am: your worst fucking nightmare who also just happens to have powers of the uterus. It’s a dick move, you sexist pigs.

Oh my god! You didn’t tune everything in drop D did you? You did! Okay, now I’m really mad.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and seriously rethink all of your outdated terminology. You have until the end of your set, the entirety of which I will spend smoking a blunt behind the dumpsters. And if any of you touch the board, I will electrocute you with your own delay pedal.

Fucking Weirdo That Posts Lawn Care Tips on OnlyFans Over the Moon Right Now

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SALINA, Kan. — Local nut job and content creator specializing in lawn maintenance Jimmy Dooley is rumored to be the only person in America who supports the OnlyFans pornography ban, friends close to the amateur horticulturist confirmed.

“Taking care of a lawn is a full time job, and my expertise is a steal at $20 a month. I post at least five videos a week talking about the ideal grass length, pest control, or even how to deal with dog mess,” said Dooley, who heard about the site from his daughter. “I feel like now I’ll finally get the attention I deserve, but let me tell you something, there are a lot of perverts on that website. People subscribe, then send me angry messages about how I need to get on my John Deere and start pleasuring myself. Then they have the nerve to request chargebacks on my ‘Big Loads’ videos, which feature large loads of manure.”

Sex workers, many of whom rely on subscribers to make a living, questioned OnlyFans’ decision to ban the only profitable form of content on the platform.

“OnlyFans is making millions of dollars from porn, and now they think they can keep that gravy train going by promoting some idiot’s travel blog? I won’t be surprised when they come crawling back,” said Alyssa Andersen, who boasts being in the top 2% of OnlyFans creators. “I should have known something was going on when OnlyFans employees messaged me saying I should pivot my content to something less X-rated. One of them suggested I try making videos where I show off ‘thrift store finds’ and another recommended a video series where I show off my skin care routine. They honestly don’t realize people only use this site to see buttholes.”

CEO Tim Stokely says he is excited for more users to discover OnlyFans once it’s more family-friendly.

“Why go to Youtube and see something for free, when you could come to OnlyFans and see similar content for a fixed price per month?”asked Stokely. “We have some of the best creators in the world, and I’m sure our users that came to OnlyFans for pornography will find just as much excitement in people demonstrating the correct way to brush a horse and showing off their vintage action figures. We will certainly miss taking our 20% from all the creators who will no longer have a place on our site, but we simply can’t support that content. And I just want to remind those content creators that technically we own everything posted on this site, so don’t try posting it anywhere else.”

In the wake of the adult content ban, OnlyFans announced it would be starting its own OnlyFans account to make ends meet.

Review: Gulch “Impenetrable Cerebral Fortress”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

San Jose’s Gulch is hands down one of the most devastatingly brutal bands out now. Serving the perfect blend of catchy riffs, tasty guitar leads, powerful drums and harsh vocals that will leave you craving a Ricola after listening. Their 2020 release “Impenetrable Cerebral Fortress” is a flawless blend of hardcore and black metal influences from beginning to end and I honestly believe it is 100% responsible for why I haven’t seen my sleep paralysis demon in almost a year.

I had a feeling my apartment was haunted when it was listed on craigslist as a one bedroom for $200 a month, which is impossible to find anywhere these days. Even if they outright said the couple who lived in here before me died in a Satanic murder/suicide ritual. I didn’t have many options and who am I to judge someone else’s lifestyle? I assumed it’d be the type of situation where photos of my family started having their eyes scratched out or maybe the occasional book would fly across the room. Small stuff that’d be easy to ignore, ya know?

That definitely wasn’t the case for long. I ended up meeting my sleep paralysis demon the third night after moving in. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I remember waking up at 3 a.m. to the sound of a banjo playing which was alarming in itself. I was going to go check the living room to see where it was coming from but I couldn’t move. I was stuck there in bed unable to get up. That’s when the door opened and I saw the long shadowy figure walk into my room. Glowing eyes the color of hell fire and a twisted face with a clearly detached bottom jaw. It would just stand above me. Plucking away on its trusty banjo for hours on end like we were on a patio in the bayou.

It was ruining my life night after night. I didn’t know what to do. I tried therapy, medications, sleeping in the living room, nothing was working. I was at the point where I was ready to accept that this was going to be the rest of my life. That was until I got this Gulch record. I remember loving it so much that I’d listen to it on repeat over and over. That was the first night in months I had gotten a full night’s rest. No banjo. No demon. I didn’t think much about it until I listened to it on repeat again the following day. Same results. No demon.

To this day, I put the record on every night before I go to bed and I wake up feeling completely recharged. I’m not completely sure what happened to the demon. I like to believe it left or that the sheer brutality of the record has it cowering in one of the shadowy corners of my home. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful.

Score: 5/5 Good nights of sleep.

/**/

5 Lame Dio Hand Gestures That Didn’t Catch On

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

In the annals of heavy metal singers, few stood as tall as one Ronnie James Dio. As the frontman for Heaven & Hell, Rainbow and occasionally Black Sabbath, the man had an incalculable impact on the direction of heavy metal. If you need proof of this, look no further than his popularizing of the so-called “Metal horns,” the fearsome hand gesture that indicates to all and sundry that shit is about to get fucking epic around here.

But no one strikes gold for the first time, and it’s a known fact that Dio experimented with other hand gestures throughout his career. It’s also sadly well-known that most of those gestures looked goofy as hell and embarrassed the shit out of audiences who just wanted to hear “Holy Diver” and maybe score some blow. For example:

Gesture #1: The Uncertain Thumb

First pioneered in 1982 as Dio established himself as a solo act, this weird-ass motion basically had the singer tilt his thumb back and forth to the rhythm of the music, but reportedly bassist Jimmy Bain suffered from motion sickness, and it was quickly retired.

Gesture #2: Sign of the CPA

One of the very first gestures Dio came up with, the “Sign of the CPA” was a sly reference to his time at the University of Buffalo, when he first considered becoming a Certified Public Accountant instead of following his rock n’ roll dreams. However, most audiences perceived it as Dio attempting to actually count his fingers on stage, and were bewildered and upset.

Gesture #3: Dialing the Phone

While the so-called “Telephone Rock” fad of the early 1970s has largely faded from memory, Dio’s management in early band Elf insisted that he try to capitalize on the trend with a hand movement that dramatized the motion of dialing a phone number. Archival photographs of Dio performing the gesture are known to exist, but all film footage has been lost.

Gesture #4: Cut. It. Out.

Also known as the gesture that drove apart the legendarily hard-partying duo of Dio and Dave Coulier, the Cut. It. Out. gained international popularity once the comedian desperately used it for his “Full House” audition. The two never spoke again.

Gesture #5: The Unnamed Experiment that Ended Up Breaking Three of His Fingers

Nobody really knows what Dio was going for with this one, but it did end up breaking his fingers at The Sunset Strip’s Rainbow Bar & Grill in 1985. A frantic Lemmy Kilmister ended up driving him to the hospital, where he made a full recovery. Sadly, the gesture was never performed again.

Liberals Relieved to See Biden Dehumanizing Refugees with a Little Class

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Centrist Democrats across the country expressed relief at seeing President Joe Biden dehumanize refugees with more decorum than his predecessor, sources reported.

“After all the name-calling and insults hurled around by 45, it just makes me feel so much better about the world knowing our current President will be able to deny dignity to refugees with some gosh darn class,” said April Dunkley, a member of what she refers to as ‘Team Joe.’ “The way Don the Con treated refugees and asylum-seekers was sickening. But now that Joe Biden has squandered months without taking any meaningful actions to prevent a humanitarian crisis for those fleeing persecution and violence under the Taliban, I can just picture him making that call while wearing his classic aviators, or maybe even eating an ice cream cone! It’s one thing to abandon the people whose home we’ve destabilized, but to do it without also owning a dog?! That’s not my America.”

Supporters of the President also remarked that the First Lady’s appearance was just what they imagined the partner of the man who has perpetuated much of the inhumane treatment of asylum-seekers of the previous administration to look like.

“I always hated how Melania was stuck up and cold about all the human rights abuses her husband was committing. I think it must be a new money thing,” said Terry Morley, an Iowan who caucused for Biden in the 2020 primary. “I was absolutely disgusted when she wore that jacket that said,‘I don’t really care, do u?’ to visit immigrant children in detention centers. But Jill, she’s such a class act! When she goes to visit the kids that her husband’s administration is holding in detention centers, I think she’ll wear a jacket that says, ‘I really do care, and I express that in a grammatical way, and I’m not the type of lady who’d ever pose naked!’ I guess it’d be a pretty long jacket.”

James Foster, a political data analyst, noted that the President’s core constituents have not wavered in their support of the polite, measured way he blamed Afghans for their current predicament.

“After a major address, we anticipate some bump or dip in approval ratings,” Foster explained. “But while his support is waning among independents, he scored very high marks among those polled who identify as centrist Democrats. When the President claimed that Afghans ‘did not want to leave sooner,’ those respondents described Biden as ‘presidential,’ ‘charming,’ and ‘my kind of guy.’ One even added that Biden was ‘the kind of guy you’d have a beer with, but something real nice, like a locally brewed IPA.’”

At press time, Dunkley added that she hoped Biden would make disparaging remarks about refugees from a private coach on an Amtrak train some time soon.

Opinion: Pantera Walked So Drowning Pool Could Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

The first time I heard Pantera’s “Walk” I loved it. It was super catchy, and I really dug the message about respect. And they definitely earned mine when I heard the rest of “Vulgar Display of Power.” They perfected the thrash sound and helped heavy music evolve in a big way. But does it hold up today? Sure, I guess. I mean, it’s not like they’re Drowning Pool or anything. Like, Pantera is fun. Drowning Pool is a goddamn revelation.

Let’s explore some examples of how Pantera walked so Drowning Pool could let the bodies hit the… well, you know.

1. Nothing Wrong With Me – Sometimes my friends make fun of me for how much I love Drowning Pool. It’s unfortunate how insecure they get knowing they will never enjoy DP as much as me. But then I play the two bands back to back while drawing a direct line showing how “Cowboys From Hell” helped shape “Bodies” into the metal masterpiece it is. I try to tell them that Pantera still has historical value so they’ll be less defensive, but metalheads can be really oblivious sometimes.

2. Nothing Wrong With Me – I don’t think most people who judge Drowning Pool have even heard any of their other stuff. While I will cede that Pantera has a diverse catalog of heavy music, every other Drowning Pool song sounds exactly like “Bodies.” How sick is that?! Sometimes me and my fellow “Pool Boys” will listen to them for hours and not even know if we’re listening to a song on repeat or their entire discography.

3. Nothing Wrong With Me – Maybe you heard “Bodies” and just thought they were a one-hit-wonder. But Drowning Pool is so much more than that one song. Hell, they’re more than a band. Pantera was good and all, but beyond “VD of Power,” their stuff isn’t super well-known. Drowning Pool is a movement. Oh, and their second album has a hot chick on the cover. This band seriously rocks.

4. Nothing Wrong With Me – Drowning Pool deals with issues like religion, dying, and being too afraid to tell your bro you love him. Pantera talked about all that stuff but, like, 10 years before I was a teenager, so it didn’t resonate as much. Drowning Pool played it smart and released their first album when I was 14, the same week I had been grounded and was really mad at my dad. That’s just smart marketing right there.

1. Something’s Got to Give – I want to end this with a quote from one of the fellas in Drowning Pool (I don’t know their names. I’m not a loser, sorry):

“It’s not how your body hits the floor, what matters is how well you swim through the drowning.”

Namaste.

Pandemic Enters Dangerous Phase as Dave Matthews Concerts Spread

Posted on by Tony Morse

GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play dates throughout the United States, pandemic-weary sources confirmed.

“It never had to be like this. So much death and despair could’ve been avoided if more people were willing to make personal sacrifices for the greater good,” lamented exhausted public health expert Dr. Helen Carter. “With the Delta variant already surging, spreading big DMB frat bro energy all over the country with an extended tour is really going to fuck us in the ear. I wish they would do virtual performances, but I guess the opportunity to sell comically overpriced tickets and merch to fans who’ve been economically unaffected by this devastating pandemic is just too lucrative to ignore.”

Statisticians argue that the recent spike in public performances of “Ants Marching” is a screeching reminder that last year’s lockdowns delivered some unintended benefits for civilization as a whole.

“Shutting things down didn’t just flatten the curve. We also experienced a sharp drop in industrial carbon emissions, a salubrious decline in automotive traffic, and a welcome reduction in antiquated doofuses stumbling around a stage pretending they know how to sing and play guitar,” observed Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. “Even with all of this working in our favor, we still need more people to get on board with not attending Dave Matthews Band shows in 2021, or ever. Doesn’t matter how talented the supporting musicians are if the vocalist sounds like a shitfaced billy goat who found the Xanax in some suburban soccer mom’s Range Rover in between whippits and hits of helium.”

Not even overflowing pediatric hospitals could discourage one Dave superfan ready to “cut loose and chillax.”

“I so need this show,” proclaimed an excited Chad Miller. “Last year was such a downer. All those protests everywhere after Memorial Day Weekend, and why exactly? Sorry if your long weekend was a bummer, but don’t harsh my mellow, bruh. And why were all those people standing in long lines in early November? No one released tickets. I checked!”

At press time, the CDC was responding to disturbing reports of a possible second wave of Phish reunion shows.