February 2018 - HARDTIMES

marco, rubio, marco rubio, gun control, guns, debate,

Congress: ‘Students Will Come to See Complexity of Gun Control Debate, Should They Live to Be Adults’

Dan Kozuh • February 28, 2018

WASHINGTON — Members of Congress kindly took time last week to hold a Town Hall-style meeting and explain the complexity…

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Band On Tour From Minneapolis Wants You to Know It’s Not Actually Cold

Patrick Coyne • February 28, 2018

ROCKVILLE CENTRE, N.Y. -— Touring Minneapolis band FLATPOINT spent much of their set last night informing their Long Island audience…

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Final Boss Paid 35 Times More Than Level 1 Minion

Charles E.P. Murphy • February 28, 2018

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A new study on wage distributions in Mushroom Kingdom by University of Toad Town has found the…

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crust punk, candidate, jobs, decrease, work, america, president

Crust Punk Candidate Vows to Decrease Jobs

Chuck Kowalski • February 27, 2018

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign…

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Help! My Small Family Restaurant is Becoming Some Kind of Iconic Punk Thing

Ted Kindig • February 27, 2018

Please: if anyone reading this is a member of the Greenville punk rock music community, I hereby request that you…

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Guy Who Bitched for Five Straight Hours Wins Board Game at Last Second

Jordan Breeding • February 27, 2018

BOSTON — After five brutal hours of incessant, imaginative bitching, the well-documented hater of “fruity-ass board games,” Sam Daniels, secured…

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I Know More About This Band Than You, so Don’t Even Try to Have Fun Tonight

Mark Hassenfratz • February 26, 2018

Listen here, poser. You think you know this band? Really? What, you started listening to them six weeks ago? And…

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Björk Vanishes After Fan Tricks Her Into Saying Name Backwards

Patrick Coyne • February 26, 2018

CHICAGO — Impish, iconoclastic musician Björk utterly vanished in plain sight last night after allegedly being tricked into uttering “kröjb”…

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Logan Paul Apologizes in Advance for Inevitable Blackface Video

Kyle Sekaquaptewa • February 26, 2018

LOS ANGELES — Controversial YouTube star Logan Paul released another apology video today, this time in advance of an upcoming…

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New Fossil Record Shows Punk Died 10,000 Years Before Previously Believed

Grant Stiles • February 25, 2018

MARRAKESH, Morocco — An archaeological discovery made outside of Marrakesh yesterday places the extinction of punk rock at roughly 8,000…

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