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Badass English Teacher Assigns Van Halen’s 1984

PITTSBURGH — High school English teacher Dennis Schneider disregarded yesterday’s lesson on George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 in favor of “rocking the hell out” to…

Crust Punk Candidate Vows to Decrease Jobs

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel…