MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore. — Chaos erupted after a Ween drive-in show late last night, as every single showgoer tried to find somebody still capable of safely operating a motor vehicle to drive them home, frustrated sources insisting “for the 1,000th time” that they aren’t a Lyft driver report.
“I had a bad feeling when the crowd made a human chain to the gas station selling wine and 12-packs while the band was tuning,” said security guard Rod Malone. “Fast-forward four hours later, and I’ve already had to tell half a dozen people that the hot dog roller doesn’t belong to the band, and countless others that I wouldn’t drive a dump truck full of them down Route 11 even if I could.”
“I’m glad they aren’t driving,” he noted, “but I wish they’d stop celebrating every time one of them fails the court-ordered breathalyzer in their cars by passing around balloons full of nitrous and chanting, ‘Poop ship! Poop ship!’”
Staff at the nearby gas station reported some “unique” attempts by fans to get themselves back home.
“The most successful group was probably the one that called the cops on me for refusing to sell them booze, only to remember they were all under court-ordered sobriety by the time they showed up,” said cashier Samantha Newell. “By the sounds of it, the station was halfway home for them, anyway. Plus, I think I heard one of the officers say he had one guy’s wife on speed dial.”
Meanwhile, Ween “mega fan” Jasper Gunderson claimed that his inability to drive caught him by surprise.
“Sure, it happened the last nine times I’ve seen them,” he said, reflexively offering a fellow fan a lit joint before asking if he were “cool to drive?” “But I figured if Gener can clean up, then I could get a lawn tractor back home after only a flask and some ketamine.”
“I’m in deeper than I thought I’d be, though,” he added. “Who’d have thought that some random pills under a hot dog roller could fuck you up so fast?”