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Congress: ‘Students Will Come to See Complexity of Gun Control Debate, Should They Live to Be Adults’

WASHINGTON — Members of Congress kindly took time last week to hold a Town Hall-style meeting and explain the complexity of the gun control debate to teenagers affected by the recent tragedies, sources hoping to actually live out their formative years confirmed.

“The naïveté of youth is a beautiful thing,” Senator Marco Rubio [R-FL] said. “And if you happen to somehow traverse your way to your 30s without one of your classmates pumping your chest full of legally obtained Parabellum hollow-point bullets, you’ll see that banning the ArmaLite AR-18 that cut your life tragically short will do little to stop the problem.”

The auditorium was reportedly full of young American citizens who, somehow, got this far in life without being murdered for attempting to get an education. Survivor after survivor, knowing full well their fortune of having a mere lifetime of nightmare-inducing, traumatic scarring rather than being buried before their parents, came forward to talk to representatives.

“You precious little thing,” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told a survivor of the Parkland, Fla. school shooting. “I just wish I could replace your blood with embalming fluid and stuff you with sawdust, so you could stay just as wide-eyed and ignorant as you are right now, forever. Unfortunately, honey, as a grown up, I have to look at this situation from many angles. You’ll understand that if you ever get to be my age… which seems pretty unlikely, but I wish you and your little friends in the glee club the best.”

When one African-American college student stood to address his concerns about gun control, Senator Rubio quickly interjected.


“I’m sorry — I’m having a hard time concentrating on what you’re saying. How are you even alive right now? Are you a ghost? I didn’t think any of you made it out of high school,” said Rubio. “Please, give this man a round of applause. He must have done that thing where he hid under the bodies of fallen students and pretended to be dead.”

“Your quick thinking proves that we should arm our teachers,” Loesch added.

One possible solution from the NRA: murdering children at the age of eight to prevent future tragedies. “If there are no kids, then they can’t grow into young adults who shoot people,” Loesch said. “Problem solved.”

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Article by Dan Kozuh @k0zuh.