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Brave: This Security Guard Does Every Racist Thing a Cop Does but Without a Gun

Mr. James Bartnik isn’t your average enforcer of the law in Toledo, Ohio. He does his job without a gun or taser or any means to impersonally kill someone, yet maintains all of the racial prejudices of a typical police officer. How does he do it?

“Oh, you know, it’s pretty easy. I defend this here Wells Fargo bank like my hypothetical, very white daughter is playing with her very white Polly Pocket dolls in there,” explained Bartnik, who reportedly has no children or spouse. “I find it very easy to muster up the courage to loudly question whether or not some gang of teens have any proper business at this establishment.”

Due to federal felony charges stemming from an attempt to get a forged birth certificate from Kenya to invalidate Barack Obama’s presidency, Bartnik is not eligible to find work as a police officer, but he’s no quitter. He brought his racial profiling skills to the private sector.

You name it, Bartnik has done it. Abuse of power? Racial profiling? Harassment and use of excessive force? All in a days work for this gun-less wonder.

His most essential asset, even more valuable than his incredible sturdiness and low center of gravity, is the delusion that his presence provides an essential and beneficial effect to his surroundings.

“This bank would get robbed twice a day if it weren’t for me, especially with all the low-income housing in this neighborhood. So whenever I see some… potential troublemakers…” whispered Bartnik while darting his eyes from side to side, “I have a trusty list of go-to means to insert myself into the situation.”

To Bartnik, his words are his bullets. “Things like yelling, ‘Hey, those window tints are illegal, I’m calling the cops’ or ‘Are you even a citizen?’ That scares pretty much everyone off before things have a chance of getting physical.”

Despite Ohio’s significant distance from Mexico, Bartnik believes that the lack of a proper border wall is the primary reason why “crime is on the rise.”

“Trump did everything he could to protect our country with the wall, but those idiot Dems decided they’d rather let all the dickheads in to take our most essential jobs,” said Bartnik with tears in his eyes, despite violent crime being on the decline for the past 30 years. “It’s so bad. One of those illegal immigrants hopped the border, got picked up by the Patriots as tight end, and killed a bunch of people. Thanks a lot Biden. Go Browns.”