October 2019 - HARDTIMES

Nintendo Sues Child Dressed as Mario for Halloween

Alex Mac Kee • October 31, 2019

SEATTLE — Nine-year-old Timothy Kim is being sued by Nintendo in a massive copyright claim after going trick-or-treating today as…

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Tom Waits Giving out Rusted Harmonicas to Any Trick-or-Treaters Who Visit Him at Haunted Junkyard

Dustin Meadows • October 31, 2019

POMONA, Calif. — Trick-or-treaters visiting the haunted junkyard behind Old Man Clemens’ house were rewarded with rusted harmonicas handed out…

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Ranking the Top 5 Podcast Costumes You’ll Have to Explain All Night

Alex Salcido • October 31, 2019

Halloween is right around the corner and you want to stand out. Every year we see the same old costumes-…

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I Went as Myself for Halloween Because What I Have Become Is Scarier Than Any Monster

Jonah Nink • October 31, 2019

What you have all done to Halloween is disgusting. Everywhere I turn people are dressed up in ‘sexy’ costumes and…

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Embarrassment Ensues at Police Halloween Party Where Everyone Showed Up as the Punisher

Charles E.P. Murphy • October 31, 2019

ONEONTA, Ala. — A social faux pas was committed at the annual Blount County Police Halloween Ball after every single…

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Goth Heartbroken Inheritance Didn’t Have a “One Night in Haunted House” Stipulation

Patrick Coyne • October 31, 2019

BELLE ISLE, Fla. — Local goth Jess “Alexandria Ravenwood” Reynolds is heartbroken that her recently deceased aunt did not include…

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Opinion: If ‘The Outer Worlds’ is as Good as Everyone Says, They Should Just Give It to Me For Free

Jeremy Kaplowitz • October 30, 2019

Video games are really cool and fun and good, but also expensive. In fact, they’re too expensive. So if everyone…

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“Tom_Green_Sausage_Song_AudioREAL_FUNNY” To Headline Kazaalapalooza

Joe Rumrill • October 30, 2019

SYDNEY, Australia — Developers behind the popular mid-2000s peer-to-peer sharing platform Kazaa announced today that files labeled “Tom_Green_Sausage_Song_AudioREAL_FUNNY” will headline…

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Embarrassed Kid Wears Homemade Bulletproof Vest to School Instead of Name-Brand

Lauren Lavín • October 30, 2019

AKRON, Ohio — Local fourth-grader Vincent “Vinny” Ortiz-Galt felt “I don’t know, just bad, I guess” about wearing a homemade…

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We Look Back on Rob Zombie’s “Hellbilly Deluxe” Because That’s What the Carnie Who Abducted Us Is Listening To

Dan Rice • October 30, 2019

There’s no denying it, fall is in the air. The leaves are changing. Kids across the country are counting the…

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