November 2022 - HARDTIMES

Punk Humiliated After Spotify Wrapped Reveals He Uses Spotify

Dan Rice • November 30, 2022

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Self-described “punk” Anthony Atomma was reportedly left feeling embarrassed and exposed yesterday when his Spotify Wrapped…

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My Spotify Wrapped Does Not Define My Personality Unless It Makes Me Seem Cool

Audrey Vieira • November 30, 2022

As Spotify interns pull all-nighters compiling every song I’ve streamed this year into an infographic that will either make or…

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Ticketmaster Tries to Make Amends by Pointing Out There Are Plenty of Brian Setzer Orchestra Tickets Left for Sale

Chris Bowen • November 30, 2022

NEW YORK — Ticketing sales and distributor giant Ticketmaster reminded the general public that there are still plenty of tickets…

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Diehard Yeah Yeah Yeahs Fan Won’t Stop Namedropping Them During Sex

John Danek • November 30, 2022

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — A devoted fan of 2000s indie rock titans Yeah Yeah Yeahs is disrupting her sex…

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When I Die, Bury Me Inside of Whatever Coffin Morticia and Gomez Smash In

Kay V. Ashbury • November 30, 2022

Morticia and Gomez Addams represent the perfect foil to the stereotypical sitcom couple: they’re always proud of their children, content…

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Blood-Soaked Man Desperately Explaining GWAR to Traffic Cop

Sean Mullee • November 29, 2022

BALTIMORE — Local metalhead Matt Franklin attempted to convince a police officer that the blood and bodily fluids covering his…

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I Moved to Florida and Achieved Wealth Beyond My Wildest Dreams by Selling Alcoholic Gator Milk to Kids!

Yancy Lee Crawford • November 29, 2022

It’s tough being an entrepreneur with all the inflation and unnecessary food safety regulations these days. I moved from liberal…

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Studies Confirm Average Punk Eats Between Five and Seven Cigarettes in Their Sleep Annually

Matt Bieker • November 29, 2022

PHILADELPHIA — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed the average American punk consumes a half-dozen cigarettes in their sleep throughout…

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We Ranked Some of Our Favorite Pitchfork Rankings To See How They Like It

Audrey Vieira • November 29, 2022

Pitchfork keeps churning out list after list of rankings, so we figured it’s time to give them a taste of…

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Lux Interior Releases Posthumous Cookbook With Over 100 Delicious Microphone Recipes

Joe Rumrill • November 28, 2022

LOS ANGELES — The estate of Cramps frontman Lux Interior announced the release of a posthumous cookbook “Goo Goo Mic:…

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