It’s tough being an entrepreneur with all the inflation and unnecessary food safety regulations these days. I moved from liberal Michigan to Florida, and let me tell you, the Sunshine State is a free-market utopia where industry is unimpeded by government overreach and public health regulations! And since coming to Orlando, I’ve achieved wealth beyond my wildest dreams by selling alcoholic gator milk to kids!
My business partner Roscoe Jackson and I are hungry for two things: free-market commerce and muskrats. Together, we’ve built an alcohol empire that stretches from the daycare centers of Pensacola to the middle school dances of Key West. I feed her lost dogs and possum meat, and she gives me the secret ingredient to Dave’s Gator Wine!
Roscoe’s hot, gray cream is what gives our drink its signature bubbles and masks the taste of bootleg grain alcohol.
Milking Roscoe is actually my favorite part of the brewing process. I shotgun six or seven Busch Lights, jump on Roscoe, and start squeezin’ and gropin’ and twistin’ them big, bulgy tits of hers until I fill a bucket. Then, I add some sugar, yeast, and a gallon of moonshine and leave it in the closet until it stinks to high hell.
After that, it’s easy money! I strain the chunks, drive around, and those kids come runnin’! Growin’ kids need amphibious calcium to fortify their spirit and keep ‘em on the path of the almighty! Plus, gator milk is high in bugs which is probably good for their skeleton or some shit.
Now, Google says alligators don’t have milk, but explain to me what I’ve been sellin’ to them kids in swing-top bottles and Styrofoam sippy cups for the last two years!?! Really, Google ought to ask me — a guy that kidnaps neighborhood pets, slams beer around the clock, and has an intimate working relationship with these majestic motherfuckers!
Am I illegally selling high-ABV milk to kids? Some states might say so. But this drink got my kids through third grade, and their dad is a millionaire beverage executive with vacation homes in Tallahassee AND Jacksonville! What harm could a few sips of alcoholic gator milk do? Let the kids be kids! And let the free market of children with stolen credit cards and household electronics determine the value of my product!
Free commerce! It’s what gets America — and the children of Florida — drunk!