NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Self-described “punk” Anthony Atomma was reportedly left feeling embarrassed and exposed yesterday when his Spotify Wrapped revealed that in the past calendar year he frequently listened to music on Spotify, confirmed multiple sources distancing themselves from the matter.
“This is humiliating on so many fronts. I guess it started as a guilty pleasure, I thought I’d grow out of it, and now I’m not sure how I can show my face in public ever again,” remarked Atomma shortly after posting his Wrapped to Instagram. “I considered keeping my Wrapped quiet, but my playlist was way too cool and eclectic not to share! My music was so much better than like 99% of the other dweebs I saw. Mine is a perfect mix of respected classics, underground darlings, bands from my local scene, and some ‘90s pop to show I have a fun side. Unfortunately, the means by which I consumed all this media is the equivalent of listening to music on Walmart.”
Atomma’s wrapped list was rounded out by Detroit Exploding, a local band fronted by Keith Gleason who makes sure to post all his band’s songs on the streaming platform.
“The only reason we made our music available on Spotify in the first place is so that we can identify which of our fans are total posers and scold them publicly. You may only listen to us on cassette, vinyl, and CD, anything else will get you banned from our shows,” said Gleason. “We will be taking the 17 cents we made in Spotify royalties and donating them to a charity with a mission statement to rid the world of fake fans and dilettantes.”
According to Spotify marketing strategist Carrie Eccleston, users like Atomma are an integral piece of the streaming service’s business model.
“Something between 30-35 percent of our subscriber base is made up of people who publicly shout about how Spotify funds military AI, and privately stream upwards of 12 hours of music a day using a free account,” said Eccleston. “Frankly we never would have made it this far without them! I thank God every morning for the lack of integrity and accountability in the modern punk scene.”
After his post generated a hail storm of negative comments, Atomma attempted to justify his Spotify use by claiming he only logs in to listen to “The Joe Rogan Experience.”
Photo by Duncan Byrnes.