Pandemic Enters Dangerous Phase as Dave Matthews Concerts Spread

Posted on by Tony Morse

GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play dates throughout the United States, pandemic-weary sources confirmed.

“It never had to be like this. So much death and despair could’ve been avoided if more people were willing to make personal sacrifices for the greater good,” lamented exhausted public health expert Dr. Helen Carter. “With the Delta variant already surging, spreading big DMB frat bro energy all over the country with an extended tour is really going to fuck us in the ear. I wish they would do virtual performances, but I guess the opportunity to sell comically overpriced tickets and merch to fans who’ve been economically unaffected by this devastating pandemic is just too lucrative to ignore.”

Statisticians argue that the recent spike in public performances of “Ants Marching” is a screeching reminder that last year’s lockdowns delivered some unintended benefits for civilization as a whole.

“Shutting things down didn’t just flatten the curve. We also experienced a sharp drop in industrial carbon emissions, a salubrious decline in automotive traffic, and a welcome reduction in antiquated doofuses stumbling around a stage pretending they know how to sing and play guitar,” observed Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. “Even with all of this working in our favor, we still need more people to get on board with not attending Dave Matthews Band shows in 2021, or ever. Doesn’t matter how talented the supporting musicians are if the vocalist sounds like a shitfaced billy goat who found the Xanax in some suburban soccer mom’s Range Rover in between whippits and hits of helium.”

Not even overflowing pediatric hospitals could discourage one Dave superfan ready to “cut loose and chillax.”

“I so need this show,” proclaimed an excited Chad Miller. “Last year was such a downer. All those protests everywhere after Memorial Day Weekend, and why exactly? Sorry if your long weekend was a bummer, but don’t harsh my mellow, bruh. And why were all those people standing in long lines in early November? No one released tickets. I checked!”

At press time, the CDC was responding to disturbing reports of a possible second wave of Phish reunion shows.

Guy With Chatty Barber Gazes Longingly At Other Customer with Silent Barber

Posted on by John Danek

BELLEFONTE, Pa. — A customer at Quik Cuts Barber Shop cast an aching stare at a neighboring silent barber/customer pair while having his hair, and will to live, cut down by a loquacious barber, sympathetic waiting customers reported.

“I was looking forward to enjoying a nice little haircut in peace but nope, I’m stuck hearing why nine months is ‘obviously too short to develop a coronavirus vaccine,’ and the same story about the time he thinks saw Mike Tomlin at a strip club,” said Zach Bellamy, who hoped having to wear a mask would minimize barber-customer conversation. “And in the chair right next to me is a completely silent barber cutting the hair of a completely silent customer. How I crave what they share! The serenity, the tranquility, the understanding. A light tugging of the scalp with no words. Maybe next time…”

Vinnie Salvini has been cutting hair and proselytizing to unwitting customers at Quik Cuts for upwards of three decades.

“Yeah, I’m kinda the top dog around here. New customers always ask me for my schedule but unfortunately enough, I rarely see repeat clients,” explained Salvini, who has convinced himself that his customers all die or move away instead of confronting the reality that they avoid him. “Ya know, I bet they’ll all start coming back once we don’t have to wear these pussy-ass masks anymore. I’m gonna say it: Donald Trump was our fourth best president after Nixon, George W., and Millard Fillmore. People might disagree with me now, but they will see over time that I was right.”

A barber school instructor described the two schools of thought pertaining to conversation with customers.

“You either got your stoic, mute haircutters who typically communicate via minimal grunts and head nods. These guys are in-demand and often held on retainer agreements,” stated veteran barber Scott Trumbal, who has been teaching new barbers for 12 years. “Then you have your loudmouths who can’t help but offer unsolicited political opinions, half-researched scientific facts, and spoilers for shows you’ve been meaning to watch. And you can’t protest anything they say because they’re holding a sharp blade to your neck. Consider your words carefully.”

As of press time, Bellamy announced plans to open a barber shoppe staffed only with monks who have taken vows of silence. He has raised $50 million in early investing rounds.

Tool Fan Can’t Believe a Genius Like Him Is Working at Hot Topic

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BOSTON — Local 39-year-old Tool fan Mark Gibson spent his entire shift last Wednesday angry at the fact that a genius of his magnitude was working at a Hot Topic location, bemused sources confirmed.

“I should not be working here with my qualifications and intellect,” said Gibson while restocking a rack of spiked bracelets. “I can name any Tool song from any album by just listening to the first 10 seconds of the song, and I could even name it backwards. I’m the only guy in this entire mall that can see Danny Carey is a polyrhythmic genius on the drums; he definitely has that black magic shit on his side. The other guys are right on his level. Justin Chancellor is like the Jimi Hendrix of bass. Adam Jones is a subtle virtuoso like Van Gogh. Then you’ve got Maynard, who’s the modern-day Voltaire.”

Gibson’s mother, Barbara, has had her high hopes for her son dashed by his obsession with Tool.

“Mark has always been an underachiever. I can still remember the day he brought home this CD that had awful pig noises on it and then he started ranting about the Fibonacci Sequence and Carl Jung at family dinners. We figured these new interests would make him want to actually go to college, but all it amounted to was a distrust of everything around him,” said the mother of three. “I can’t stand the pretentious crap that Clive and I have to hear at the dinner table when he visits us every weekend. Last week he told us all about how Tool dedicated an album to Bill Hicks and then he tried a 15-minute stand up routine. The last thing he needs is to quit this job of his.”

Northeastern Hot Topic Franchise Overseer Raymond Locklear maintains that Hot Topic employees who listen to Tool do not lord over their coworkers.

“We hear time and time again of Hot Topic employees who are obsessed with Tool bringing down morale by declaring that they want to see the whole place flushed away,” said Locklear. “We encourage store managers to calm them down by letting them work in the back, where they can let their ‘elite’ thoughts roam, as opposed to insulting every customer on the sales floor.”

At press time, Gibson was waiting for Reddit’s r/ToolBand to load on his phone in the employee bathroom so that he could discuss the merits of the Parabol/Parabola song transition.

REPORT: Every Single Person From Local Scene Now Real Estate Agents

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

RICHMOND, Va. — An exhaustive report from the Pew Research Center on the local scene made waves Wednesday as it confirmed every single former scene member now works in real estate full time.

“I may not be spitting blood screaming at the government every night, but I’ve brought that hardcore punk mentality to my job connecting clients with beautiful, affordable living spaces in neighborhoods with great schools,” said former Tidepool frontman and current real estate agent, Larry Davis. “I’ll always fondly remember getting into fistfights during house shows, but now all I want is to fight for you and ensure your house goes for at least 10% over market valuations.”

“And I’ll tell you what, I still throw a pretty mean house… showing,” Davis said, laughing delightedly and sliding his business card across the table.

The report goes on to claim that, even though nobody in the scene does anything related to the actual writing or playing of music, the vibe is still essentially the same.

“I was worried the first couple times my regulars told me they’d love an opportunity to sit down with me and provide a thorough analysis of both my home and the markets, instead of just asking who was playing that night or whether they could smoke pot in here,” said Karen DuPont, owner of the Rotten Barrel Club. “But all the agents still keep coming in and getting drunk; but now they mostly just fight over listings in the rich neighborhoods. Then a Misfits song will come on and they’ll turn back to their drinks and quietly hum along. It’s honestly pretty depressing.”

While this shift may seem extremely unprecedented, the report corroborates experts’ belief that scene evolution is actually quite common.

“We’ve observed this phenomenon hundreds of times over the past few decades. The clearest sign there’s been a shift is when scene members stop sharing endless Facebook invites to house shows and instead send endless Facebook messages asking if you’re considering buying or selling a home this year,” said scene anthropologist Eve Girwin. “Most scenes eventually devolve as members realize they’d like to have enough money to eat something besides spam, but it doesn’t always have to be real estate. I’ve watched scenes where people convert into barbers, tattooists, or just entirely end up in jail.”

At press time, there were several follow-up reports of a truly delightful 700-square-foot condominium over on the East side near the Panera, that’s both very affordable and available now, but likely only for a limited amount of time.

Abbott Tests Positive for Justified Variant of COVID-19

Posted on by Freelancer

AUSTIN — Texas Governor Greg Abbott tested positive for the emerging Justified variant of COVID-19, according to a statement from the Governor’s office.

“The Governor is currently receiving Regeneron monoclonal antibody treatment for a case of what health officials are calling the Justified variant, a form of the virus that’s completely deserved by the person who contracts it,” Randy Barton, a spokesman for the Governor, said. “We’re not sure if he came into contact with it through his brazen disregard for the health and well-being of Texas children, his recent attempts to roll back civil rights across the state, or perhaps the large, unmasked gatherings he’s been hosting, but one thing is certain: it couldn’t have happened to a more worthy guy.”

Governor Abbott confirmed the diagnosis via phone from his mansion, where he’s reportedly isolating.

“Unlike so many Texans, who lack the means to quarantine for the safety of their families after a positive diagnosis, I’ll be holed up here in the Governor’s mansion, sucking off the good ol’ proverbial Longhorn teat, until it’s safe for me to get back out there again,” Abbott said. “And while I have contracted this so-called Justified variant, Texas voters can rest assured I’ll still be largely safe from the worst of the virus, afforded the best medical care available, and will probably only suffer mild symptoms, if any at all, due to the vaccine I’ve prohibited from being mandated.”

Estefania Ramirez, a virologist at the University of Texas at Austin, said that while the Justified variant has had some prominent cases, it’s unfortunately not as deadly as other, more common variants of COVID-19.

“Many Texans may be familiar with the Justified variant due to some of its more famous examples in the news, including some notable members of the federal government from Texas, like Kevin Brady and Kay Granger,” Ramirez said. “It’s probably best known for infecting Donald Trump last year. But most of the honest, hard-working people of Texas don’t need to worry about the Justified variant, which is considerably less lethal than one might hope. Governor Abbott’s case probably won’t result in any long-term symptoms, like an increase in decency or an embrace of empirical, fact-based knowledge, which the average Texan might experience from encountering the disease.”

At press-time, Barton confirmed that despite his recent diagnosis, Abbott hadn’t lost any of the smarm or general unpleasantness that have made him so popular in Texas politics.

Photo courtesy of World Travel & Tourism Council. 

Hormonal Acne Only Reason Woman Still Getting Carded

Posted on by Dianne Nora

FOREST PARK, Ill. — Local woman in her mid-30s Laura McMann was carded again late yesterday evening when attempting to buy alcohol after her hormonal acne led a cashier to assume she was underage, according to eyewitnesses who estimated she was “somewhere between 19 and 45 years old.”

“I was pretty confused as to what age she was, to be honest,” said Tyler Jones, a cashier at Victory Liquors. “On the one hand, she definitely still has zits, but she also looks kinda haggard, and I think I saw at least a few gray hairs. Plus, she was buying a bottle of White Zinfandel on a Monday. If she were really almost middle-aged, like her ID said, I guess I’d expect that she’d be busy with her career or kids, or even just a husband.”

McMann reported that she was flattered to be asked for her ID.

“I’ll take compliments where I can get them these days, though I’m actually really glad I’m not in my early 20s anymore,” said McMann of the assumption that adolescence was the only reason she might have a chin filled with cystic acne. “I was so insecure then, constantly worried about what other people thought of me, and really unsure of myself. I still feel all those things, but now I’m mostly too occupied worrying that I’ll be too old to have my own kids, or that I’ll never have saved enough money to retire, which is only slightly less worrisome than whether I can still pull off a crop top.”

Dermatologist Dr. Lisa Wyden recommends that women embrace acne and other skin imperfections, no matter their age.

“Human skin naturally changes as we age, like all parts of our bodies, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Dr. Wyden explained. “The outer layer of skin, the epidermis, grows thinner, which may be the only part of your body doing that after about 34, so you gotta look at the bright side. And those crows feet and laugh lines that begin to appear will make it easier to cast disapproving frowns toward the men who’ll treat you as though you’re irrelevant the moment they no longer want to fuck you.”

At press time, McMann said she was thinking of uploading photos of her acne to her Bumble profile, to see if her youthful glow might attract 48-year-old men who “want kids someday.”

Gamma Variant Tweets Ominous “Big Things on Horizon. Stay Tuned!”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — New COVID-19 mutation the Gamma Variant garnered attention with a cryptic tweet telling followers it had “big” plans for fall and winter, confirmed multiple sources preparing to cancel their flights home for Christmas.

“I usually don’t follow an account unless I know them personally, but I figured that a deadly mutation of a highly contagious airborne disease is worth a follow,” internet user Pat Yates said while refreshing the app in hopes of an update. “Then all of a sudden it posts just six words and I don’t even know what it could mean. Reddit is on fire right now with theories. Some say it’s a new release, others think Gamma is going to tour the Pacific northwest. I personally think it might do a collab with tuberculosis. This is basically QAnon for COVID-heads.”

The Gamma Variant’s representatives were even more cagey about the tweet.

“You’ll know when I do,” said Marguerite Pierce of Green Parker Management via email. “We ask during this time you respect Gamma’s privacy, as it needs time to create and evolve. This next release is going to be more mature and deliberate than anything you’ve experienced. What I will tell you is that it will be something you’d never expect, and if the previous year is any indicator, you will not be prepared for it.”

Some disease experts, however, feel this might all just be hyperbole.

“We have so many diseases vying for attention in this 24-hour news cycle. Gamma is just trying to stay trendy and relevant, especially now that the Delta variant released its special ‘Delta Plus’ for anyone willing to gather in tight spaces without being vaccinated or wearing a mask,” Samantha Lawson of the Rand Paul Infectious Disease Institute said. “Put up or shut up, is what I say. If this has-been virus really has new material, let’s see it! COVID hasn’t been relevant since 2020. The account is probably a Chinese bot.”

Internet sleuths were able to find a reply from Gamma variant saying “can’t wait to see you all” on a recent post by Furnace Fest.

Help! I Troid Singing Loike Blink 182 and Now Moy Voice Is Stuck This Way

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Seriously, I ehm so scared roight now.

Moy girlfriend broike up weth mee last wehk after three amay-zing months tew-ge-ther. She was the love of moy loife and I was totally heartbro-kehn. So of course, I opened YewTewb and pulled up the best theeng ever writ-tehn about heartbrehk: “I Miss You” by Blink 182. I belted owt every werd while barely holding back moy teers. But after the song end-ehd, I couldn’t get moy voice back tew norm-ehl!

Over the past wehk I have troid everytheeng I could theenk of tew fix it, from scree-ming at the top of moy lungs tew reading verses from the holy bi-behl. Notheeng has helped! I even went tew urgent care, but the ree-cep-shun-ehst couldn’t understand a werd I was saying bee-hind moy mask. When I wroite down moy prob-lehm and showed them the piece of pay-pehr, they just laughed at mee and said tew come back if I have a coif or a feev-er.

I’m troing to avide sentences with the werds troi, moi, yheuwe, toime, loif, foive, tuhnyte, insyde, outsoid, bee-hind and bloind but eet’s teew hourd!

I theenk I’m lewsing moy moind! I even called moy grandma last noight for some advoice and she hehng up on mee after tew min-ehts. Apparently she’s in the hos-peh-tul now because she thought she had a stroike during our conver-say-shun.

Tom Delonge and Mark Hoppus, if yew are reading this, please reach out tew mee and tell mee how yew turn off your pop-punk voice. I’ve heard yew both do in-ter-views and yew don’t always sound like this. I will dew anytheeng tew stop tah-king this way!

Man Once Again Manages to Stand in Spot Where Everyone Pushes Past Him

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Local punk Frankie Hartman lamented moments ago that he managed to stand yet again in the exact spot where everyone pushes past him to get a better spot closer to the band, noting that this happens to him “every goddamned time.”

“Every fucking time with this! I missed half of the opening act because I was trying to keep my drink from being spilled, and MOTHERFUCKER,” exclaimed Hartman as another venue patron casually shoved past him. “I’m not that big of a guy or come off as intimidating, so maybe people are doing this intentionally… but everytime I go to a bar or a show, I fucking swear I’m getting jostled around by people trying to get to the bar or the bathroom and then coming back and smashing into me at full speed. I always think I have it figured out, but I go home feeling like I got in a car acci-”

Hartman was cut off as he was swept away with the crowd surging forward, but friends later confirmed his version of events.

“Frankie can be a bit melodramatic, but I think he may be on to something,” remarked frequent companion Adam Lacey, as he picked a battered Hartman off the venue floor. “I have to say, I find this whole thing to be fascinating — we never stand in the same spot twice, and he’ll spend about 10 minutes scouting the whole venue, looking for an out-of-the-way spot with not too many people, but it always ends up being for nothing. He just ends up with half his drink on his leather jacket and glasses knocked off. It’s like watching an NFL blooper reel. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed that out.”

Venue staff were quick to point out that the show’s raucous nature, mixed with minimal floor space of these venues, often make unintended human interaction unavoidable.

“There’s always a few people that come here and seem to have a complete meltdown if someone so much as brushes past them. It’s a small, crowded room. These things happen,” noted bouncer Craig Harris. “This guy seems to be a special case, though. I guess I can understand his frustration, since he always puts up with this crap. One time he was waiting in line for the bar, and the crowd managed to sweep him into the bathroom… and no one saw him for the rest of the night.”

At press time, Hartman had been knocked head first into a trashcan and was struggling to get staff’s attention before being emptied into a dumpster.

Review: Suicidal Tendencies “Suicidal Tendencies”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each week, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Suicidal Tendencies,” the 1983 self titled debut album from crossover thrash legends, Suicidal Tendencies.

This album is a fucking classic. Just front to back bangers including some of the band’s most popular songs to date. “I Shot the Devil,” “I Saw Your Mommy,” “Institutionalized,” they’re all here. It’s so good that I don’t even care about the malicious conspiracy theory the band has denied for years. We all know it, the one that says the group was created by PepsiCo for the sole purpose of  selling soda to young punks. Sometimes the internet gets things wrong, don’t believe everything you read.

Besides, what is that conspiracy even based on? The fact that most quoted part of their biggest song of the last 30 years is about wanting a Pepsi? That’s just a coincidence. I mean he couldn’t say Coca-Cola. That’s way too many syllables. And RC Cola just didn’t have enough brand recognition. Pepsi is just a general soda that Mike Muir used as an example. The bigger message of that part is that he wasn’t on drugs. He’s a good kid and his mom freaked out for no reason. That’s the point of that part. Good kids drink Pepsi, lots and lots of Pepsi and the most well behaved kids will drink other PepsiCo products like Sierra Mist, or even Tropicana juices.

Oh and let me address the other elephant in the room here since we’re on the topic. The members of Suicidal Tendencies wear a lot of blue. That’s just the uniform of the group. They like the way it looks and it helps people recognize their band. Kind of like how Coca-Cola’s whole thing is red cans and Pepsi’s whole thing is blue cans. It helps people tell the difference. But, despite what the conspiracy might try to say, there is absolutely no evidence to support the claim that Pepsi told Suicidal they had to wear blue all the time or they would be murdered by veterans of the Cola Wars. It’s a completely separate thing.

Suicidal Tendencies’ self titled record is amazing because the band kicks fucking ass. I don’t care how many outlandish accusations there are about their whole inception being a marketing campaign by a major soda corporation. Stop watching countless hours of YouTube videos trying to convince you of something that isn’t true and just listen to the album for yourself.

Score: 8/8 cold crisp refreshing cans of Pepsi, the perfect soda for a good time. That’s what I Like.

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