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Report: That’s Not How Mom Makes It

DENVER — Local man Liam Cooper announced that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich his girlfriend charitably made for him was “worse than eating dog shit” because it wasn’t “how mom makes it,” compassionately embarrassed sources report.

“I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” screamed the 32-year-old Cooper while stomping around in his adult footie pajamas. “This is the gross kind of peanut butter that you have to mix together. Just get Skippy like a normal fucking person. And jelly is not supposed to have the seeds in there. I could freaking choke! Reba is always trying to trick me into ‘eating better,’ but I don’t want to! She didn’t even cut it diagonally. Reba’s stupid and I don’t like her anymore!”

Cooper’s girlfriend, Reba Harmon, had an epiphany while recounting her side of the affair.

“I really don’t know what to do at this point. No matter how hard I try, he just critiques everything,” lamented Harmon while fetching a can of ginger ale to settle Cooper’s stomach. “The way I fold his laundry, how I put him to bed; and last week I overheard him telling his mom that I ‘kiss weird.’ When we first started dating I thought the love he had for his mother was endearing. But the longer I’m with him the more I feel like it’s a bit psychotic. Last time we visited his parents’ house, his mother gave him a bath. Now that I say it out loud I realize I need to get out of this relationship.”

Dr. Rachel Lehcar is an expert in the field of auto-alimentation and leads a research project investigating the connections between overbearing mothers and man-children.

“You would think it’s pretty straightforward,” said an exhausted Dr. Lehcar. “But it’s actually hard to find out whether man-children with overbearing mothers can actually feed their damn selves. I lead a team of some of the world’s brightest PhD students. We’ve spent decades and millions of dollars trying to find an answer. At this point, my research makes me think they might not be physically able to do anything beyond making themselves a partially defrosted frozen pizza, but they always put that piece of cardboard in the oven as well and almost burn the lab down.”

Cooper’s mother was not available for comment because she was too busy scheduling her adult son’s latest dental visit and applying to jobs for him.