SAN FRANCISCO — Local punk John Adler is one of the unlucky few who will be leaving his comfortable life with seven roommates in a…
Word around town is there’s an alleged shortage of at-home COVID tests. But if that were the case, how was I single-handedly able to buy…
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local crust punk Lou “Canker Sore” Schultz revised his bucket list to include getting a disease named after him in an…
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — News that you will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner this year over ongoing concerns surrounding the coronavirus pandemic caused your elderly…
SEATTLE — Local punk Brock Riley admits that he yearns for days when he could spread every illness under the sun to his friends without…
ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron,…
BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local punk house cat The Little Guy is reportedly furious at the return of house shows to the area and the loud,…
BOISE, Idaho — A man suffering from COVID-19 after refusing a vaccination drew ire from other patients by spreading his legs across two ICU beds,…
LOS ANGELES — Local man Peter Thurman is pretty certain nobody can tell he frequently uses his COVID mask as a cloth napkin for yet-to-be…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local venue Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn now requires attendees to show proof of showering before they enter the venue, according to sources…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Clay Horton briefly paused fellating a complete stranger at a glory hole in an area gay bar to inquire if…
If you’ve been around the block as much as I have, you know you can’t hardly trust anyone about anything. You have to ignore all…
CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at reopened venues across the city,…
COMMON BEAGLE SMALL INTESTINE — Health authorities called upon legendary white blood cell police officer Osmosis Jones to come out of retirement and help as…
AUSTIN, Texas — Local horny-as-hell woman Wendy Charleton fears what might happen if she were to get drunk alone with close friend Collin Montrose due…