SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — News that you will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner this year over ongoing concerns surrounding the coronavirus pandemic caused your elderly grandparents to determine you no longer love them, reported sources who refuse to take any accountability or preventive measures to safeguard their own health.
“My word, I can’t believe what an ungrateful little grandchild I have. You know how much your grandfather and I have been looking forward to seeing you and now you say you’re not coming. What exactly are we supposed to think?” nagged your grandmother while your grandfather slowly rearranged crescent wrenches on his tool bench in the garage. “And don’t try to turn this around and say it’s because you’re worried about us catching that little sniffle that’s been going around. If you really cared then you’d comment on those articles I keep sending you on the Facebook about how those vaccines got microchips in them.”
You explained your position on the matter while exasperatedly reading Vox articles.
“Look, my family is a bit nuts. But that doesn’t mean I want them to slowly suffocate to death because they think their immune systems are ‘God’s facemask’ – seriously, they actually said that,” you remarked. “I never liked Thanksgiving, but I want to see them again. Trying to walk them through Zoom calls has aged me at least ten years. I mean, they were actually alive when the polio vaccine was developed. How do they not get this?”
Family physician Dr. Geraldine Daumbauer explained recent medical history as it relates to family gatherings.
“This is a trend I’ve noticed a lot recently among the, let’s say, more aged patients I see. Obviously per doctor-patient confidentiality I can’t divulge any medical records, but I can tell you that people calling me a ‘fascist death monger’ have gone absolutely through the roof,” explained Daumbauer. “This denialism is almost as bad as the pandemic itself. Due to sheer volume I’ve had to outsource all of my horse dewormer toxicity cases to a local veterinarian. Boy, I do not envy him right now.”
At press time, your grandmother had left you seventeen voicemails to let you know everything Tucker Carlson said yesterday.