BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local punk house cat The Little Guy is reportedly furious at the return of house shows to the area and the loud, drunken visitors that come with them.
“It’s the principle of the thing,” The Little Guy said. “There’s no consideration for others. Fuck vaccines, fuck masks, fuck ‘bringing back live music.’ Our nation as a whole should be reverting back to social distancing outside of my basement, and definitely very far away from the bathmat I sleep on when I just need some alone time. These people aren’t even supposed to be using the upstairs bathroom. Animals.”
In response to the ongoing performances held by the owners of the home and band Naked and Ungrateful, The Little Guy has taken to pissing on pedals, chewing up wires, and showing his asshole to visiting patrons.
“He’s just so cute,” showgoer Beth Trotter stated. “He makes the whole experience undoubtedly better. I gave him a couple of scratches behind the ear. He bit the shit out of my wrist in response and I was like, ‘Rock on, dude.’ That’s how cats show you they love you. Based on the claw marks up and down both of my arms, this cat is fucking obsessed with me.”
Dr. George Williams, a local veterinarian and self-proclaimed cat expert, offered a few comments on The Little Guy’s situation.
“Loud noises and crowds are generally not ideal for the health of a house cat,” Williams explained. “Cats need ample sleep, which can be difficult to obtain when every soft surface in the home is either damp with mold or serving as a place for drunk patrons to make out. This feline’s best bet is to slip out the door when someone enters the home, which shouldn’t be hard, and just go take his chances with that colony near the 7-Eleven where it won’t have to worry so much about fleas.”
At press time, The Little Guy warned potential show attendees a promise of “death to all that cross this threshold,” and added that “whatever Hell exists out there, I hope they burn in it.”