You know what they say. Be in a band that’s successful and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. Unfortunately, none of…
There is a specter haunting Halloween — the specter of communism. My name is Toby Masterson. I am 12 years old. You don’t know me,…
CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, Fla. — Cultural Icon and noted serial killer Jason Voorhees was reportedly bullied out of infamous Florida summer camp Camp Crystal Lake…
SEAGRAVES, Texas — Local machete-wielding family of murderous butchers, the Fletchers, are rallying against Hollywood’s constant belittling of their macabre lifestyle, terrified sources report. “Being…
BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local punk house cat The Little Guy is reportedly furious at the return of house shows to the area and the loud,…
LOS ANGELES — Local man Peter Thurman is pretty certain nobody can tell he frequently uses his COVID mask as a cloth napkin for yet-to-be…
Yes, before you ask, these are bed bug bites all over my body, and no, I do not need the number of a great exterminator…
UKIAH, Calif. — Local showgoer Ernie Morales lamented the fact he is almost certainly contracting the coronavirus delta variant while attending an avant-garde noise show…
GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play…
SAN FRANCISCO — New COVID-19 mutation the Gamma Variant garnered attention with a cryptic tweet telling followers it had “big” plans for fall and winter,…
TALLAHASSEE — Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz issued an impassioned call for Governor Ron DeSantis to revoke his ban on mask mandates early this morning in…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A friend whom you haven’t spoken to, texted, or shared an Instagram exchange with in the past 15 months put you…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A local scene’s highly anticipated return of DIY shows was once again delayed by multiple hours due to the same bullshit…
SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for…
Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me…