SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for five years, confirmed sources impressed with her apparent ability to avoid software updates.
“Just because we’re in a global pandemic, I only have $300 in my bank account, and I don’t have a passport doesn’t mean I won’t go to Kyoto eventually,” the 29-year-old Walker explained. “Dating has been hard the last year, but I get a lot of comfort from the 50 or so browser tabs I refuse to close for articles I haven’t read, recipes I haven’t tried, and DIY projects I haven’t started. If you ask me, managing all these tabs is a pretty big commitment. I may not have a significant other, but I do have a deep bond with the Wikipedia entry for the Bermuda Triangle, which I plan on reading at some point before I die.”
Walker’s friends have had some concerns regarding the perennially unread tabs.
“I’m not worried that Christine isn’t in a long-term romantic relationship,” noted friend Courtney Harrison. “If that’s what she wants, she’ll find it. But keeping a tab open for the time it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree? Just read it or close it, for Christ’s sake, you can Google it again. Looking at her computer is enough to send me spiraling. The number of icons she has on her desktop is completely fucking unhinged. Seriously, I’m talking full on boomer status.”
Relationship experts agreed that Walker’s situation is an increasingly common one.
“People are waiting longer to settle down, get married, and have kids,” stated Natalie Greene, host of a podcast about dating. “That means looking to other areas of life for the stability that relationships can bring. Usually, people find that reassurance in their job or from friends, pets, or productive hobbies, but browser tabs can also be a source of support. For me, it’s the pile of unopened mail that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for several years. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to pass it down to my children.”
As of press time, Walker had finally decided to close the Kyoto travel guide tab so that she could commit more time to almost reading an article about the best eyebrow pencils of 2018.