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I Have a Medical Exemption for Your ‘No Shirt, No Shoes’ Rule Too

Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me exempt from your mask mandate. What’s that? You don’t require masks anymore? Well hold on, let me find my other note that says I’m medically exempt from your whole “no shirt, no shoes” bullshit too.

Keep your laws off my torso! And feet too, I guess, but I have flip flops in the car and I’ll go get those if I absolutely have to.

Look, my health is more important than your feelings or the Pennsylvania ServSafe Food Safety Program. Sorry, but you’re basically Hitler working a cash register right now. See, this is the land of the free, and those freedoms include “freeing the nipple,” like Benjamin Franklin, Sam Adams, and the rest of our topless founding fathers intended.

And my God, why are we allowing the Deep State and Wawa to force our feet into Skechers brand foot prisons? My feet are stained with the soil of America, buddy. Soil that our brave soldiers died thousands of miles away for oil for.

So in accordance with the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, which Republicans like me opposed, not only will I not be putting on a shirt, shoes, or mask; I will also not be wearing any helmet, seatbelt, or glasses when I drive. Or pants. See, I also have a medical condition where my “Proud Boys” need 10-12 hours of sunlight a day, or else they develop “holster rash” according to Dr. Eastwood.

Now can I please just purchase this 10-pack of Fireball shots for those teenagers over there?