You know what they say. Be in a band that’s successful and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. Unfortunately, none of the bands I was in were even remotely successful. That’s when it hit me. What if I just kidnapped a member of an already prosperous band, stole their on-stage identity, and secretly toured the country while impersonating them? What could go wrong?
This is not as easy as it sounds though. First, you have to come up with a highly lucrative band and then figure out which member to abduct. Naturally, the first band I thought of was Foo Fighters. Who’s more successful than them? Then I realized that probably wouldn’t work because Dave Grohl is definitely too chill to kidnap. He’d probably think the warehouse I locked him in was just an old recording studio he could restore. He’d be posting about “all the history, man” within minutes and blow my cover. That ruled them out pretty quickly.
Then it occurred to me that Slipknot is always walking around in those masks from Party City. That makes disguising myself as one of them fairly easy. I figured the bass player would be a perfect target. Everyone knows bassists are the easiest band members to capture. That part only took me a half-hour.
After I had him secured in my basement dungeon and made him some ham and cheese sandwiches (I’m not a monster), I slipped on his mask and changed into his signature Slipknot uniform. The next step was to start playing shows as him. Turns out that was way easier than you might think since, ya know, bass.
I was finally in a successful band! Unfortunately, it didn’t last too long. The rest of the band figured out after a few shows that I wasn’t their actual bass player after my neighbor heard percussive low tones coming from my basement and called the cops.
But hey, I’ve learned my lesson. Next time I’ll kidnap the one that bangs on kegs. That noise is always coming from my basement anyway.