SPRINGFIELD, Ore. — The First Baptist Church graciously agreed to host “Springfield Thrash Fest 3: Fuck This Town to Death” yesterday after striking a rental deal with organizers from the local thrash metal scene following weeks of negotiations.
“Being a tight-knit community, we were a bit concerned about the subject matter at first. However, after the organizers agreed to our modest, but fair, rental agreement and non-refundable deposit, we felt it our charitable duty to host such an event,” said Pastor Peter Maurin. “After all, it’s my charge to reach the sinners of Springfield. The population, that is — not the opening band of the same name on the bill.”
The annual Springfield Thrash Fest struggled to find a home following last years’ fest, which ended abruptly after a teenager was thrown through a wall at the local VFW hall.
“Look, some poser in a Slipknot shirt got tossed and broke most of his back and the wall. It happens. Ban us from the venue? That’s fair, I’ll take that on that chin,” said fest organizer Tori Hernandez, adding that the previous owner was “still fucking pissed” and “a total dick about the whole thing.” “But tell all the other venues to not host us, and try suing me over ‘alleged’ damages to the venue? You gotta be kidding me. It’s that kind of oppressive bullshit that makes everyone wanna bounce first chance they get. This town fucking blows.”
While this led to a long search for a new home, organizers and fans alike are glad to have struck a deal with Pastor Maurin and First Baptist.
“I’m happy they’re gonna host us, but they’re asking for twice what we paid last year… plus half of the take at the door, which seems steep for a church,” said local punk Julia Day, who will be working the door. “But it was either this, or share the space with the Sunday school puppet show from 10 to 11:30 a.m., and that would dilute the message of telling this town to go fuck itself, so our hands were basically tied.”
When asked if he would consider hosting the event the following year as well, Pastor Maurin said, “It will depend on how they treat the space. But our membership is shrinking, and I’ve had my eye on an RV for my wife and I. That shit doesn’t pay for itself.”