KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local venue Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn now requires attendees to show proof of showering before they enter the venue, according to sources currently smelling their own shirts just off to the side of the door.
“As shows start to come back, we realized that not only is the safety of our attendees of the utmost importance, so is their ability to enjoy the music without the pit smelling like roadkill,” said Jesse Valente, booking agent at Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn. “No one wants to get a face full of some crusty kid’s armpit stank when they’re trying to have a good time. As such, we’ll be performing a sniff test on everyone at the door. If they’re not comfortable with that, then they’ll have to show the door guy a shower selfie with a timestamp within the past two days.”
Reactions from patrons were mixed, but broadly positive.
“I mean, it’s nice to have a sense of community accountability, you know?” said a showgoer who only identified himself as Eyeball. “We’ve all been lax and irresponsible with our hygiene in the past; this way, if we want to enjoy what our community has to offer, we have to stay up on our scrub downs. I think that this mandate will help encourage us to be a more conscious community.”
“It’s not about keeping me from smelling myself, it’s about not spreading that smell to more vulnerable members of our community,” he added.
However, not everyone is on board with the new policy, including Skids Discharge, frontperson of local goregrind act Fuckpigs on Parade.
“It’s fucking bullshit is what it is,” they said, visibly irate. “What ever happened to ‘My body, my choice,’ huh? We’re all about autonomy until it comes to not showering, and then suddenly we’re Mussolini’s Italy. How the fuck you gonna wear an anarchy patch on your threads and then suck up to some soapy, sudsy police state? Fuck that noise. Fascist cunts.”
In a related story, The Beer Barn has canceled an upcoming performance by Days N Daze after realizing the new mandate would reduce the show’s attendance to zero.
Photo by Senny Mau.