If you’ve been around the block as much as I have, you know you can’t hardly trust anyone about anything. You have to ignore all…
BURBANK, Calif. — Hollywood is abuzz amidst reports that one of its most fabled power couples, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese and his ‘70s muse, a…
GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play…
BERLIN — Late nineties pop sensation Lou Bega excited fans this week when he implied that a follow-up to his widely celebrated “Mambo No. 5”…
NEW YORK — Local Amazon employee Jeff Baxter developed a plan to finally use the bathroom at work after reading Jeff Bezos will soon be…
LOS ANGELES — Hate speech enthusiast Chris Taylor Brown and his disesteemed nu-metal band Trapt are reportedly offering $35 to anyone who requests them on…
BOSTON — Local therapist Dr. Loic Middleberry attempted to reach new clients by introducing reduced-rate services for sessions focusing exclusively on dad issues in honor…
WASHINGTON — Embattled congressman Matt Gaetz shocked officials inside the Beltway with a bombshell announcement regarding his age, stunned Capitol Hill sources confirmed. “I’m only…
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Local law enforcement veteran Sergeant David Maddison drew praise from fellow officers for deftly concealing his identity to evade community criticism and…
VANCOUVER, Wash. — Covert racist Nancy Jensen admitted she is sick of her more conspicuously bigoted husband receiving all the recognition for his horrendous views…
SCARSDALE, N.Y — Local mom Penelope Chapman is under fire today for letting her underage children buy stocks from home instead of waiting until they…
Noted dildo opponent and serial killer cosplay enthusiast, Ted Cruz, is a serious man known for his steely resolve and uncompromising politics. He’s built his…
Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of response to a raging, totally…
DETROIT — Right-wing rocker Ted Nugent is set to headline a GOP event at the Dearborn Ice Skating Center tomorrow to help raise money to…