PORTLAND, Ore. — An innovative Rose City landlord demanded additional compensation from one of his tenants for the extra hour of rental home possession she captured when the West Coast returned to Pacific Standard Time, exploited sources confirmed.
“Yeah, this isn’t as bad as when I had to give my dog away because I couldn’t afford the increase in pet rent, but it still just shows how fucked up this system is,” said nickel and dimed renter Jenny Stafford. “I’ve been spending all my days off work doing DoorDash to deal with how much my rent went up last year, so I was really looking forward to that extra hour of sleep from ‘Fall Back.’ But then a process server showed up with some notice that said if I didn’t pay $1,850 immediately, the cops would charge me with trespassing. I asked my landlord if he could give me a credit for that hour we lost last Spring, and he told me what a shame it would be if all the landlords in town knew I was such a problem tenant. Oh well, I guess I can pawn my engagement ring again.”
Stafford’s landlord was dismissive of her remonstrances and attributed responsibility for his business practices to the actions of elected officials.
“If these tyrannical extremists in government didn’t put caps on how much I could increase rent every year, I wouldn’t have to pay lawyers thousands of dollars to find workarounds to make up the difference,” remarked local housing magnate Taylor Swarthmore while starting up his brand new Range Rover. “Thanks to commie trade unionists, employers have to pay whiny employees time-and-a-half if they work one second past 40 hours in a week, so I’m not sure how this is any different. This isn’t about money, it’s about principles of fairness and equity for anyone hard-working enough to have inherited multiple properties like myself.”
Political commentators worried this dispute could spill over into ongoing dialogue surrounding Daylight Savings Time reform.
“Those who want permanent DST will start yelling about this next,” opined Josh Barro between bites of his mayonnaise sandwich. “Changing clocks is disrupting rental markets, they’ll say. You know what screws with the housing supply? Forcing people to wake up in the dark more days of the year. They’ll never get out of bed or leave home at all, and there’ll never be a goddamn rental vacancy ever again.”
Swarthmore is currently researching how he could justify a $1,500 rental increase due to the fact scientists say the days on Earth are getting longer by about 0.000018 seconds each year.