LOS ANGELES — Three legendary punk frontmen, Dexter Holland, Milo Aukerman, and Greg Graffin, all departed their respective bands to join forces and prepare for “a real bitch” of an organic chemistry midterm, academic sources confirmed.
“This is the most pumped I’ve ever been about a collaborative project,” said Bad Religion vocalist Greg Graffin, Ph.D. “The decision to step away from my bandmates wasn’t easy, but the opportunity to riff about organometallics and nucleotides with the two hardest motherfuckers in natural science is just something I can’t miss. Milo is a giant in the molecular biology scene, and it was his idea to bring in Dexter for his microRNA expertise. I was reluctant at first because Dexter isn’t an Ivy Leaguer, but I thought he’d at least be good for carrying our books around and ordering pizza for us. I guess you could think of him as our bassist. Enough talk. Time to make some flashcards and rip this o-chem test, ya-hey!”
But not all fans greeted the new power trio’s announcement with enthusiasm, as some expressed outright skepticism about the group’s compatibility.
“I’m really trying to be excited about this, but there are too many glaring deficiencies,” lamented longtime punk pulmonologist Dr. Geoff Robinson. “Three guys with terminal research degrees in biology disciplines? Pretty redundant. You may as well try to build a band around three lead singers. Why didn’t they add a physicist to handle the really tough equations? They need a statistician to manage data and actually think about probability models. I’m sure they’ll dominate all the questions heavy on bio theory, but that’s essentially the problem with some of these supergroups. They do one thing really well, and everything else is just awkward filler that won’t impress their audience or professors.”
Reception of the news among affected bandmates was just as cold.
“I thought Dexter was done with this nerd shit,” complained Noodles. “We play packed shows with tons of smoke show MILFs in the crowd and his reaction is to go fuck around with his chemistry set. I wish Greg and Milo wouldn’t encourage him. I wish they would just throw a football around like normal dudes. If I keep showing up in public with Dexter people will think I’m a dork by association and forget about all my sick guitar work on ‘Smash.’”
At press time, remaining members of the Descendents workshopped ideas for “Milo Goes Back to College.”