Opinion: I Think I Can Hold It ‘Til After the Encore

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, I’m cool. Sure I’ve had 11 PBRs on an empty stomach, but there is no way I’m gonna be in the bathroom when Shit Blaster comes back to play their encore. I am an adult and I am in control of my bladder. Jesus Christ, these guys are taking forever.

Fuck! I don’t think I’ve had to pee this bad in my whole life. Maybe if I move back by the merch tables… nope, moving just shakes it up. Oh goddamn, it’s so much worse now. Shouldn’t have tried to do anything. That’s my mistake. Okay, it’s okay, I got this.

They better start the encore soon because I cannot hold this for much longer. And if a little bit manages to leak out I’m not going to be able to stop the rest. Like, full on floodgates on the Hoover Dam opening. I’m just gonna soak the floor of this pit. But if I’m lucky all the stale sweat might cover it up. Yeah, it’s good to have a ‘Plan B.’

Man, the line for the bathroom looks really long. I should have gone during the opener’s set. What the hell was I thinking? And why did they play a cover of “Waterfalls” by TLC? Did they know this would happen, or was that a pee-induced hallucination?

Maybe it would be funny if I pissed myself. Like, if I just owned it? Maybe my friends would think I was more hardcore if I did that, and it could be a funny story about how crazy and wild I am. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I’m not that guy! There’s no way I have enough clout in my circle to pull off pissing myself as a power move.

Okay, if they start now and play a three-song encore, I can probably make it through. If they play four songs, it’s a 50/50 split. If it’s five or more, I’m definitely walking out of here in lost and found basketball shorts. Same if they play the song “Swollen Testes” at all. I almost piss myself all the time listening to that when I haven’t consumed several quarts of cheap beer.

Did that guy just jump the line for the urinal?! Use the alley, you dick! Now I’m further behind than I was before!

The band’s not coming back for an encore, are they? Dammit, I can’t believe I waited around all night and almost certainly ruptured my kidneys for this. Well, fuck it. I paid to get in here so I’m gonna pee here. Now I just need someone to guide me to the restroom, because my refusal to pee appears to have left me blind somehow.

Inaugural Class of Merch Guy Hall of Fame Just Nine Dudes All Named Phil

Posted on by James Knapp

SECAUCUS, N.J. — The newly created Merch Guy Hall of Fame announced its inaugural class of inductees consisting entirely of pretty average looking dudes named Phil that can assure you your shirt will shrink in the wash, multiple sources making tip jars confirmed.

“It’s truly an honor to be a part of this historic occasion. When I was first getting started in the merch industry, I never would have dreamed that one day I’d be standing alongside legends like Phil Gilbertson, Phil Daniels, and Phil “Phil ‘er Up” Phillips to receive this prestigious recognition,” gushed inductee Phil Overdul, longtime merch guy for the noise-funk band Angular Animals. “I’m actually nervous to have to walk up on stage and get my award, and I never get stage fright. I mean, I never really have the opportunity to usually but still, this is more exciting than the time our guitarist asked me to tune his backup Squier between songs.”

Members of each Phil’s respective band expressed something resembling pride in their guys who always remembered to upsell on the deluxe cassette.

“It’s a pretty big deal, I guess. Phil’s been running our merch table for like three or fifteen years, I forget, but it’s about time he got his due,” said Gwen Stamodine, singer for Trash Detector, about their merch guy of twenty-six years Phil Wolodarsky. “When [Phil] first told us about this I didn’t believe him; like seriously, I didn’t believe this Hall of Fame was a real thing. I don’t know who the audience for something like that is, but now that I see how important this is for him, I’m still mostly just concerned that he remembered to order more pins for the merch table.”

Hall of fame founder and former merch guy Phil Yonkers explained the hall’s nomination and induction process.

“We nominated some of the biggest names in merch to be a part of this legendary occasion. Phil Foggerty merched for the band Indiglicious for forty years and never once ran out of mediums,” said Yonkers while folding Merch Guy Hall of Fame shirts and laying them out on a folding table. “Phil Hagerstof saved his entire band from a venue fire in ‘97, which admittedly was caused by a lit joint he tossed outside because he thought he saw a security guard. Each merch guy has their own unique talents despite, implausibly, all having the same first name for some reason.”

At press time, inductees Phil Hepps and Phil Kirkberg were unable to make it to the induction ceremony as no one was willing to pick them up at the park-and-ride.

5 Concerts Ruined by My Dad Getting on Stage and Insisting He Could Play “Eruption”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Dads are lame. Even if your dad can occasionally impart a life lesson or bring you a case of toilet paper from Costco, dads can embarrass you in pretty much any situation. For example, take my dad. His intentions may be noble, but his belief that he can enhance any musical event by crashing the stage and insisting he knows how to play Eddie Van Halen’s “Eruption” solo is very misguided. Especially since he can’t even play guitar.

Here’s a non-comprehensive list of every concert my dad has completely fucked up in this very specific way:

Kindergarten Winter Concert, 1986 – Everything was going swimmingly at the Adams Elementary Kindergarten Winter Concert. The kids were having a blast blowing on kazoos and stuff. That is, until my father, under the mistaken impression that parents were expected to contribute to the performance, jumped on stage, knocked over three kids in snowflake outfits, and asked where he was supposed to plug in his guitar. He managed to get a few notes in before Coach Marsden tackled him.

“Peter & the Wolf” Middle School Production, 1990 – Fast forward a few years. The humiliation of the Winter Concert had faded and people had finally stopped calling me “Daddy Van Halen.” I was excited to play the part of the Grandfather. Then my dad strolled on stage dressed as Eddie and pulled a humiliating attempt at mimicking the drum intro of “Eruption” via mouth noises. He insisted he was just trying to improve Sergei Prokofiev’s work with “a little Halen.”

Battle of the Bands, 2001 – Okay, this one just sucked. As you probably already guessed, my dad (wearing a denim jacket and a wig) impersonated the lead guitarist of a local band and screamed at a 15-year-old bassist that he was “fucking throwing off the solo, jaghole!” They did not win the Battle of the Bands.

House Show, 2007 – Okay, this is one on me. I threw a party at the house for my band’s EP release. That was foolish. Then again, most dads would just break up the party when they got back from Tahoe early. Not my dad. He took a three-minute kegstand, then grabbed a guitar but cut his hand on a broken string so badly he made a random teen drive him to the ER. I got really depressed around this time. The only thing that snapped me out of it was the kids at school calling me “David Lee Goth.”

Warped Tour, 2016 – Me and my friends saw that Front Porch Step was getting to play select dates on the Warped Tour after getting cancelled for basically everything you can get cancelled for. We went to heckle him when, sure enough, my dad popped up on stage, causing the entire set to get shut down. Ya know, sometimes dads are pretty cool.

Milk Crate Challenge Leaves Local Punk With No Bookcase, Bike Rack, Bed Frame

Posted on by Krissy Howard

DRYDEN, N.Y. — An online trend known as the “milk crate challenge” left local punk Shelby Smalls with almost no furniture or storage options in her home, according to sources who want to look away but cannot.

“As someone who’s been stealing crates from behind the Nice N’ Easy since I was 19, I cannot stress enough how pumped I was the first time I saw some kid absolutely eat shit off a staircase of milk crates,” Smalls said while dragging her full-sized mattress off of a row of Byrne Dairy crates. “I’ve been feeling pretty dissatisfied with everything lately, but when I saw this I knew I had to get involved. I’ve been watching a fuckton of ‘American Ninja Warrior’ this year, so I’ve got this strategy locked: run fast, take tiny steps, and do not open my eyes no matter what.”

Those close to Smalls remain torn between full knowledge that participating in the challenge is “the worst idea anyone has had in a long time,” and hope that “at least she’ll be doing something productive with her time besides setting fire to the lint on the bottom of her socks.”

“As hard as it was to watch her go through with this, I’m kind of happy that she found something so suited to her interests,” said Amanda Lorden, longtime friend and frequent discourager of Smalls’s decision making. “This challenge doesn’t highlight or bring awareness to any causes, and requires no real physical skill or capability. Basically it’s the three things that sum up Shelby the best: brutal, stupid, and a colossal waste of everyone’s time. I’m excited for her, and I’m also the only one that can bring her to the emergency room when she fucking beefs it.”

Despite the lukewarm support she’s received from some friends, Smalls’s roommates are less than thrilled.

“Nothing would bring more pride to our household than completing any internet challenge, but this one is just obviously way too dangerous,” said bedroom subletter in the apartment, Naomi Song. “Our books are strewn all over the floor after she took apart what was a bookcase that took, I hear, eight years to build, and I almost slipped on a record after she unloaded what was a meticulously organized collection. I don’t know if those things will ever see alphabetical order again, and if she doesn’t get that bed elevated within the next two hours then I’m afraid the mold is going to take over.”

Smalls could not be reached for further comment after fumbling over what was once her kitchen step stool and knocking herself unconscious.

5 Lesser Known Misfits Songs That Are Actually About How Love Finds a Way

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It is well documented on Wikipedia that the Misfits are synonymous with horror movie subject matter and imagery, but not many realize they also wrote some of the most timeless love songs of the ’80s.

During a period when pretty much every band was writing about zombies, werewolves, and skulls, the Misfits briefly defied trends and went in a different, more earnest direction before bailing on the lovey-dovey model entirely. Here are five all-but-forgotten yet nevertheless inspirational Misfits tracks about how love will always find a way.

“Love and Blood Are All We Need”
Ok, maybe this song isn’t “lesser known” since many might recall it appearing on the soundtrack to the romantic comedy Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001). However, if you’ve been living under a rock, you may not know that this one is about how love (as well as an insatiable need for blood) is the answer.

“Truly, Madly, Undeadly”
This ballad appeared on the band’s album titled “Collection 3,” which debuted modestly at number 1,039 on the charts, so it’s clear this one may have gone unnoticed by many. The lyrics deal with two lovers who just happen to be vampires, so their love is eternal by default.

“Exorcise Our Feelings”
Many Misfits songs are based off of super old B-horror movies way back when Hollywood chose not to use CGI for some reason. However, this track was actually inspired by the old romance classic Gone With the Wind (1939). The lyrics reimagine what life in the GWTW universe would be like if the main characters were demons who meet-cute while out on a random demonic possession assignment.

“Get Out Of My Dreams (And Onto My Wall)”
The Misfits’ clearest attempt at a commercial mega hit, this song was considered for and almost featured in a variety of ‘80s romantic comedies, including the famous boombox scene from Say Anything (1989). Unfortunately, the producers were skittish about using a love song focused almost exclusively on the human skull, and The Cutting Crew’s “(I Just) Died In Your Arms” won out.

“Die, Die, DIE My Darling”
This tune was a D-side to one of their singles. Can’t remember which one exactly. Anyway, they use the word “die” here as a metaphor for the word “kiss.” It makes sense after you read the lyrics and really, really think about it. Unfortunately, they never got to play this one live as they wrote it at the very end of the Glenn Danzig era, and Michale Graves has publicly refused to open up his heart and let love in.

Biden to Push Middle East Peace Process Titled “The War On War”

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

WASHINGTON — President Biden announced a rebranding of the “Middle East Peace Process” to “The War On War” in hopes of appeasing warmonger lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, confirmed multiple CEOs of defense contracting companies.

“It’s all about marketing these days. I remember talking to a fella named Cornpop about marketing outside of a pool in Delaware. He was a real bad dude,” said President Biden during a gathering of Army Officers in the Oval Office. “You can’t bring anything to Congress with the word ‘peace’ in it or they’ll start calling you soft. And let me tell you something, Jack: I’m not soft. The American economy won’t ever recover with a peace deal, everyone in Washington knows that. I’m hoping this new language can bring Congress together. The ‘War on Drugs’ was so profitable for the prison system, and right now those prisons are some of the biggest employers in the country.”

After firing her glock into the Capitol ceiling, Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert reluctantly praised “Sleepy Joe” for “finally nutting the fuck up and declaring war.”

“We’re goin’ to war on war! Hot damn, this gets me fired up to mount war’s head on my fuckin’ wall!” passionately howled Boebert, owner of “Shooter’s Grill,” a restaurant in Rifle, Colorado where staff members are encouraged to openly carry firearms. “I thought Democrats wanted to steal our guns, but hearing they wanna use our guns against guns… This great nation will gun down every gun on the planet. Then, we’ll turn the world’s last gun on itself and blow its fuckin’ head off! Yee Haw!”

General James C. McConville, Chief of Staff of the United States Army, was more than thrilled to “not have to look like a little bitch in front of the troops.”

“I almost had to crush these boys by pulling them out of Afghanistan and sending them home to their wives and kids,” said General McConville. “Now they’re all fired up to get back out there and kick war’s ass! I have to give it to President Biden on this one, I almost thought he actually cared about humanity for a second. He knew that when me and every other red, white, and blue blooded American man who suffered through the ‘60s hears the word ‘peace,’ we get flashbacks of stompin’ long-haired, round-lensed hippie freaks.”

The President also hopes to make a deal with the Taliban for American contractors to provide maintenance for the billions of dollars in weapons and artillery left behind in Afghanistan.

If Your Band Sucks, You Have To Tell Me or It’s Entrapment

Posted on by Jake Menez

Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me in this shadowy parking garage. Okay, so before I can buy a ticket to your show, I have to ask you something. If we’re going to make this exchange, I need to know… does your band suck? And you legally have to tell me if you do, otherwise, it’s entrapment. I know my rights as a showgoer.

I ask because by the way you were talking about it, I’d expect the show to sell out and there’d be a line around the block. However, you seem to be holding an unopened envelope with at least 100 tickets in there. I’m starting to suspect you might be in a shitty band. That’s cool and all, but if you don’t tell me before I buy this ticket, I am free to leave during your first song and no resentment you feel can legally be attributed to me.

Seriously, if your band blows chunks and you don’t tell me before your set starts, I’m gonna lose my shit. If you just tell me you guys suck right now, we can save all this hassle and you can play your ska-trap songs while I sit at home smoking a bowl, watching “Rush Hour 4: Rush Hourer.”

Because, see, you told me this was gonna “kick ass.” Those were your exact words. If you guys suck, now’s your chance to walk that back. Even if you guys suck now but it’s clear that you’re gonna be good in a few years, tell me so I can at least get a couple shots in me before your trombone/keytar player does a solo with either.

I know I said I’d really dug your guys’ EP on Soundcloud but I was just trying to be supportive. What I meant was that I dug the idea of you having a band, as long as it didn’t impact me in any way at all.

You won’t tell me? Fine. Whatever. I’ll go, but you owe me big time. My improv group is a fucking dumpster fire and we have a show coming up next weekend so tit for tat. And in case it’s not clear, we fucking suck.

Basement Rehearsal Space Sprouts Enough Fuzzy Mold for Decent Sound Proofing

Posted on by Tom K

MEDFORD, Mass. — The basement practice space at 234 Syrup Street is reportedly overrun by enough Aspergillus fumigatus to dampen sound, thanks to leaky water pipes and declining landlord involvement in basic property maintenance, wheezing sources confirmed.

“When we first realized fungus was burgeoning, there were two options: do literally anything to stop it, or let nature run its course and see what the hell happens. We love it, the louder we play the thicker the mold gets, and nobody has called in a noise complaint in weeks,” said Acrid Distance vocalist and house resident Dani “Lady Bug” De Souza. “Big foam has made soundproofing expensive and unnatural, but this mold is free, organic, and multiplying at an alarming pace. My uncle is a pulmonologist and told me that playing in that basement is basically suicide, but I don’t think he understands that we not only have a great practice space, but with a little work and a decent rainy season we could have a high-end recording studio in our home.”

The property owner, Hamen McManus, was happy to hear the tenants were benefitting from the dangerous fungus in the basement.

“Look, I own like three properties, plus I have my own landscaping business. I can’t be everywhere at once. Also, the mold addendum they signed in the lease will hold up in court,” said McManus. “That being said, I wish all my tenants were so tolerant. I have an apartment in Methuen and the tenants keep telling me a family of raccoons is living in their couch. These same people complain I won’t let them have a cat. Seems like a double standard to me.”

A new genre of low-fi music called “low-qual” has started to develop in mold filled basements thanks to landlords across the country becoming more negligent with their properties.

“Moldy walls are just the start. To get that truly authentic sound, you’re gonna want soundwaves bouncing off the broken washing machine in the corner, maybe a festering bottle of Faygo teetering close to a mic,” said Garret Sutton, low-qual pioneer and constantly tired recording engineer. “And you definitely want an extra snare sitting around that rattles throughout everything. That will add character to any recording.”

Residents of 234 Syrup Street were excited to add a new layer of soundproofing after the water heater randomly exploded, adding three inches of standing water to the basement floor.

Weird Transparent Angel Lady from “In Utero” Cover Also Announces Lawsuit

Posted on by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — A Weird Transparent Angel Lady, best known for her work as the cover model on Nirvana’s final studio album “In Utero,” is also suing members of the band and the Nirvana estate for damages following similar claims by the subject of the band’s ‘Nevermind’ album cover, court records confirm.

“It’s frustrating to think about how many people have seen my womb and mammary glands, those are intimate details I don’t want to share with the world. I had initially taken plenty of photos fully clothed, but they only used the nude photo and I never signed a release,” said Weird Transparent Angel Lady from her home nestled beneath a waterfall. “Anytime I’m out in public people stare at me, they want me to strip naked and recreate the photo for them. Most of them have children, and that’s just weird. The only time people didn’t bother me is when I would visit the Bodies exhibit and stand perfectly still.”

Weird Transparent Angel Lady’s attorney Jillia Ramirez filed a motion with the U.S. Central Court of California earlier today to seek compensation.

“This album cover is one of the most sexually explicit photos to ever be published, and my client has been forced to hide it from her multiple weird transparent cherub children. Nirvana produced this provocative photo for the sole purpose of selling more records, for which she was compensated a mere couple hundred dollars, and it is no coincidence that the album contains the song ‘Rape Me’ while the cover shows a woman-like creature who is beyond nude,” said Ramirez. “My client continues to suffer personal injury and emotional distress knowing that any Tom, Dick, or Sally could do a quick Google search and see a graphic photo of her intestines and circulatory system.”

Critics were quick to point out that Weird Transparent Angel Lady has used the notoriety gained from the cover to her advantage.

“This feels like another cash grab to me. On the 25th anniversary of the ‘In Utero’ release, the Weird Transparent Angel Lady recreated the album art for NPR and there weren’t any issues. I don’t know why she’s suddenly so upset,” said music journalist Misty Garrison. “I know there have been multiple instances where she tried to reach out to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic on a friendly level and never got a reply. I hate to be a cynic, but I bet this could be solved with a couple of backstage passes to a Foo Fighters concert and a few autographed photos.”

Citing stress caused by Nirvana cover art lawsuits, the skeleton/zombie and devil cat thing from the “Incesticide” cover announced they would be separating.

Grieving Keith Richards Wonders Who Will Back Him on Drums for the Next 40 Years

Posted on by Brad Skafish

LONDON — In the wake of legendary Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts’ death at 80, Keith Richards is grieving his close friend, while also being forced to reconsider long-term career plans.

“Nobody saw this coming, mate. For a guy like Charlie to be cut down in his prime at the age of 80, it just seems so unfair,” said the evidently invincible guitarist while chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes and eating a giant cut of heavily salted steak. “I know I may only have five or six decades left, so I’ve got to take advantage of that time. I’ve got big plans for the ‘Exile on Main Street 70th Anniversary Tour’ coming up in 2042, but without Charlie there to lay it down…I just don’t know. There is a good chance the only drummer that can fill Charlie’s shoes hasn’t even been born yet, but we will be ready for when that person arrives.”

Stones fan and historian, Amy McDonald, attributes much of the band’s success to Watts’ signature jazz-influenced drumming style.

“You really needed to see Charlie play live to appreciate what he did, and I always planned on doing just that. Unfortunately, I put it off for the last 50 years or so because I always figured I had time,” lamented McDonald. “I just never thought something like ‘natural causes’ could take out a member of the Stones. I figured they would go on for another 70 years as long as all of them avoided swimming pools. But I’m not taking things for granted anymore, I’ve invested most of my life savings in crypto in hopes of hitting it big so I can afford to have Keith play ‘Amazing Grace’ at my funeral.”

Legendary musicians across the globe paid tribute to Watts and sent condolences to the surviving band members.

“I really feel for Keith, I do,” stressed former Beatles drummer, Sir Ringo Starr. “Charlie was a wonderful guy and a fabulous drummer. But Keith keeps calling, asking me to do him a solid, and I simply can’t commit to sitting in with the Stones on a stadium tour in 2035. I’ll be 95 bloody years old by then. Peace and love!”

Sources close to the situation report that Richards has been asking the family to hold off on cremating Watts until he can find a proper coke hookup.