Press "Enter" to skip to content

If Alcohol Ruins Families, Why Is Mine Only Tolerable When I’m Drunk?

They say that alcohol destroys families. But it’s the only thing keeping mine together. I would know, as someone who is always within arms reach of a bottle whenever I make my annual call to them.

Listen, I know that abusing alcohol is completely detrimental to you and those around you, but I’m only drowning my internal organs with literal poison for my family. In fact, I don’t even like drinking. But you try sitting through your dad’s long-winded rant about election fraud or how Antifa was actually responsible for the January 6 riots without being at least a few beers deep.

When your mom compares wearing masks to the holocaust that she also claims only “supposedly” happened, it’s just nice to have some booze in your system as she mentally struggles to explain her logic through straw-man arguments she learned from memes.

Believe me, I would give anything to be in one of those families that don’t need alcohol to love each other. But unfortunately, I’m drunk right now because I just came from a family reunion. It’s almost like alcohol is some magic elixir that helps you power through all the QAnon bullshit your uncle says at family gatherings.

All I know is that you only get one family, which is kind of the problem here. If I had to choose, I would be in one of those families that were rich. That seems nice. I wonder how much those types of families need to drink in order to bear with each other. Probably a lot, right? But at least you have all that money to afford top-shelf cocktails. Worth it.

Anyway, you can say that booze is the glue that is keeping my family together. It’s just too bad that alcohol also kills you and causes you to make terrible decisions, because it actually does wonders when bonding with your family.