Review: No Doubt “No Doubt”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we tackle the 1992 self-titled debut from the ska/punk/pop legends No Doubt.

Well, well, fucking well, if it isn’t the moment when my “career” “choice” isn’t finally coming around to pay off. Not literally in terms of money payment, but in the form of something far more valuable: finally letting the entire world know about the time Gwen Stefani stole the haircut I gave myself in 10th grade (I can’t remember the exact year.)

She probably thought she’d gotten away with it, seeing as how it’s been 25 years, and also how she has no idea who I am, despite countless attempts on my part to make myself, and my hairstyle, known. Well guess what motherfucker, the chickens have come home to roost and now it’s time to pay, and oh, how you fucking will pay, in the form of being subjected to a 350-word record review of your band’s first album that upward of a dozen people might read.

I was already told by my editor, who fought very hard to assign this one to anyone else to no avail, that I had to talk about the album if I want to keep working here, probably on account of how he’s definitely taking Gwen Stefani’s side and hates me. So let’s take a look at these shitty tracks and get this bullshit outta the way. One song is called ‘A Little Something Refreshing,’ which is exactly what I thought my new haircut was going to be, not just for me, but for the countless students who walked by me not noticing my presence for all four years we shared several hallways together.

Then we’ve got ‘Ache,’ ‘Sad for Me,’ and ‘Sinking,’ all of which are exactly the feelings that happened to my body a mere weeks before the first day of school when I saw MY new haircut on HER stupid head within the pages of YM Magazine. What should have been hundreds of praises saying “cool hair!” were instead replaced with “I love No Doubt!” and “Gwen Stefani is so hot!” and “I think you have string cheese in your braces” and also “You definitely have string cheese all over the front of your pants. I didn’t even know string cheese could stick like that without being melted or something.”

And how could we forget the song ‘Move On,’ which proves, and I don’t know how anyone can deny shit at this point, that Gwen Stefani is gaslighting me and profiting off of that.

Fuck you to death, Gwen Stefani. I’ve come a long way, and my therapist says that I don’t need to talk about this anymore, and has pleaded with me several times to stop after I went against his medical advice, so I can let this go. I just don’t want to, and I’m not going to anytime soon or ever.

I would give this album a ZERO STARS rating out of seventy billion because Gwen Stefani is a thief who sucks. If you’re reading this Gavin Rossdale, call me.

/**/

REPORT: 40% Of Celebrities in Rehab List Singing in Car With James Corden as Rock Bottom

Posted on by Anna Walsh

LOS ANGELES — A survey of celebrities in the most elite rehabilitation facilities throughout greater Los Angeles showed 40% of respondents considered appearing on James Corden’s “Carpool Karaoke” their rock bottom event.

“I’m ashamed to admit that my addiction to pills and alcohol led me to such an extreme low,” said a well-known pop star who requested to remain anonymous. “I once woke up in an adult diaper spooning Charlie Sheen’s cat, and even that was more dignified than singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ with that doughy little bitch boy. I asked my publicist to scrub it from the internet, but Corden makes everyone sign away the rights with an iron-clad contract. As soon as I saw the footage I knew I had to make some big changes. I didn’t want my family seeing me like that ever again.”

Longtime employee of Natchez Rehabilitation Services in Palm Springs, Linda Basseghi, was not at all surprised by the survey’s findings.

“I’d say of the 12 patients we have here at any given time, at least four come to us right after they leave the CBS lot in Studio City. Honestly, he’s keeping us in business,” Basseghi explained. “My professional opinion is that the combination of sitting in a car while pretending James is driving, singing a pop song they loathe, and trying to remain cordial to the single most annoying person on television is simply too much for someone who relies on drugs and/or alcohol to get through normal events, much less traumatic ones like ‘Carpool Karaoke.’ The stress of pulling that off and retaining credibility is too high even for actors and actresses whose entire job is to pretend.”

James Corden’s office officially denied comment on the report, but assistant Keira Kim provided some insight.

“I can’t say I’m surprised by this. James is one of the most irritating people I’ve ever worked with. He’s always smiling, eating, or doing that hyena laugh of his,” Kim stated. “We have Robert Downey Jr. scheduled to film today, and we’re all concerned James is going to undo his 15 years of sobriety. We have a team of wellness professionals ready to assist Mr. Downey as soon as he’s done singing ‘Black Hole Sun.’”

James Corden responded to the news of his guests’ embarrassment on the latest episode of his late night show by dressing up as a cat and performing a six-minute rap.

Texas Voting Restrictions Leave Ted Cruz As State’s Only Qualified Voter

Posted on by Richard Circuit

AUSTIN, Texas — Republican lawmakers in Texas finally passed a controversial voter suppression bill along party lines which is set to take the right to vote away from every citizen, with the lone exception being Senator Ted Cruz.

“These restrictions end vote-by-mail, vote-by-proxy, and vote-by-anyone-except-Ted-Cruz,” said Texas District 96 Representative David Cook. “We wanted to ensure that elections throughout the state are safe and fair. It took months, but once we got past the obstructionists from the other side of the aisle we made sure that illegal immigrants, law abiding citizens, and even low-level lawmakers had no access to voting. We are confident this will usher in a new era for the fine people of Texas, who are now free from the overwhelming burden of democracy.”

“It was frustrating that Democrats tried so hard to stop this, but they have all privately reached out to me and said they think this is best for Texas,” added Cook.

Everyday Texans are quickly finding that the new law requires each citizen to follow a gruelling process intended to prove whether or not they are Ted Cruz.

“I tried to register to vote and the first thing I was required to do was send in a lock of hair as a DNA sample. I was told this process alone could take 25 to 60 years,” said Brenda Grynn, a hopeful voter from Dallas. “Then they started with the questions. ‘Did you read “Green Eggs and Ham” in its entirety in front of Congress?’, ‘Has a presidential candidate ever insulted your wife to your face?’, and ‘Have you ever been accused of being the Zodiac Killer?’. It took me three and a half hours to answer all the questions. When they noticed I answered ‘no’ on the first question, they denied me and threw the application into a barrel fire.”

Election officials outlined the stacks of highly-specific documentation that potential Texas voters must bring along.

“When you dive into the legislation you see that all voters must arrive at polling stations with a 1970 birth certificate, a US passport with a fresh Cancun stamp, and be willing to blame their daughters for the reason they are late,” remarked election expert and data analyst Mark Meyer. “We’ve seen Republican voter suppression bills across the country, but none have made the state 100% Republican, let alone 100% Ted Cruz.”

At press time, a new ballot measure abolished reproductive healthcare throughout Texas in a landslide 1-0 vote.

My Childhood Dog Never Got Vaccinated and He’s Alive and Well on That Farm Upstate

Posted on by Noah Leavy

A lot of people have been talking about this vaccine lately, asking plenty of important questions. Does it defend against COVID-19? How effective is it against the Delta Variant? Is it worth getting a tracking device injected into your body that also makes you sterile? Did Jesus need a vaccine? Well, all those questions are pointless and I can prove it. My childhood dog never got vaccinated and for the last 17 years, he’s been absolutely crushing it on that farm upstate, according to my parents.

I’m a free thinker. A rebel without bias. A doctor without borders. Or a medical license. I play my own tune and that tune is the star-spangled banner. Except for when it’s Enter Sandman. If experience has taught me anything it’s never to be a guinea pig for the state and that dogs live to about 50 if provided the right environment.

The American public is very childish. They’ll believe any fairy tale you tell them. Like how there are some tiny organisms coming to kill us that we can’t see (how convenient) and our only protection is getting some juice put in your arm. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous. It sure does to me, my family, and my dog, who is currently vaccine-free, romping around in meadowy fields until the end of time. It’s time to grow up and resist, people!

Taking the lead from my immortal pup, I will never get the COVID vaccine. The only things I put in my body are time-tested and proven to be safe. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get my annual distemper booster.

Punk Just Puts Newspaper Over Dead Roommate

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local punk Tyra Flores was spotted placing sheets of old newspaper over the corpse of her housemate Vince Russo following his untimely passing earlier this week, sources close to the scene report.

“Fucking just like Vince to have me clean up after him. I swear this is the last goddamn time,” an exasperated Flores said, while placing pages from the sports section over the decaying body. “This whole process is a pain in my ass, but I figure this should solve the problem for now. I’ll figure out cleaning it up later, I’ve got a Call of Duty game going. At least this paper will keep people from noticing it. I’ll get to it before the basement show we’re doing, or will at least be sure to sprinkle some of that baking soda stuff we use for the litter box over it if I have time.”

“I’m probably going to have to rent a carpet shampooer or something. That asshole’s paying me back,” Flores added.

Anonymous sources report that the now partially fly-eaten carcass has been sitting there for several days.

“It seems as though the lazy motherfuckers in this house are under the impression that if they just leave a mess around long enough, I’ll eventually get sick of it and clean it myself. Well not anymore,” noted surviving housemate, Cayla Fowler. “I think the dog’s been kind of picking at it, and the flies have definitely gotten a lot of the meat off, but Tyrar’s got to do more than just throw the paper over it. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve emphasized keeping the common areas clean. I’d deal with this myself, but if I don’t put my foot down now, they’re going to just keep taking advantage of me.”

Housing experts note that the monotony of housework often leads to procrastination behaviors such as Flores’s.

“With dead bodies, and maybe this is just me, but I find it’s better not to put off cleaning them. As rigor mortis sets in and the bowels release, cleaning only becomes more difficult,” noted housekeeping expert Martha Stewart. “In a case like this, the fact there is no blood makes clean-up a breeze, just spray the area with a little vinegar and lemon juice and it’s like new. One thing she could do is to put the front page of the newspaper over the body, so she’s reminded how long it’s been sitting there.”

As of press time, Flores had typed, but forgotten to send, a reply to Russo’s relatives asking if she had seen or heard from their son.

USA Renews Forever War for 20 More Seasons

Posted on by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — The United States of America picked up another twenty seasons of Forever War, according to a speech from President Biden last night.

“Initially, the numbers seemed to suggest that Americans had lost interest in Forever War, but once we heard the President pledge revenge on ISIS-K, I knew that we could expect a pick up,” said Jeffrey Willard, an independent defense contractor who’s worked with the Pentagon. “Some viewers had complained that the past few episodes have been confusing, and I can’t fault them on that: we’re training the Taliban, we’re fighting the Taliban — it had gotten to the point where there was no clear antagonist, and all the action sequences and fatalities just felt a little pointless and meandering.”

Dick Cheney, the former Vice President and long-time showrunner of Forever War in the early 2000s, blamed the series’ dip in popularity on recent mismanagement.

“The guys running the show now don’t know the first thing about selling Forever War,” Cheney grumbled. “Acknowledging the humanity of your enemies, admitting responsibility or mistakes, trying to be honest with the American people — that shit is way off the mark. I blew a clear shot once on a hunting trip when I was just a young man of 65, an age I’ve looked since I was born, and I swore I’d never miss my target again. But with a concept this strong, Americans don’t need to worry. Forever War isn’t going anywhere.”

Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary and spokesman for USA says the current leadership intends to take the show in a new direction.

“As long-time viewers might have expected after hearing the President speak this week, Forever War will be returning to form with all of the suspense, intrigue, and wide-scale destruction that our audiences have grown gradually numb to over the past few decades,” Psaki confirmed. “ISIS-K might sound like a rehashing of an old enemy, and in many ways, it is, but by the time the press has spun up enough hatred and dehumanization of them, we can expect a mass fear that might surpass even the post-9/11 era. Keen observers will also note that the revenge plots and drone strikes of Forever War in the Obama years are also slated to return, so Americans can have the false moral satisfaction of the conflict ending while the actual carnage continues across the region. Please note that I included my contractually obligated mention of 9/11 in this statement.”

At press time, rumors of a spin-off series, Forever War: Caracas, was still not confirmed.

The Nicest Celebrity I Know is Armie Hammer, and a List of Other Things His New Publicist Asked Me to Mention

Posted on by Tim Sheard

I’ve been lucky enough to meet quite a few famous people, but I gotta tell ya: Armie Hammer is the nicest celebrity I’ve ever met! At least, that’s what his new publicist asked me to say. He also gave me this list of other things he would like us all to know about Friend to the Many, Armie Hammer.

Armie doesn’t eat people.
And not just because he hasn’t had a chance to yet! He’s genuinely not interested in, and definitely not aroused by, the thought of consuming human flesh.

Armie loves women.
And I don’t mean that in the way you’d say “I love Kung Pao Chicken,” or, “I love biscuits with sausage gravy.” He respects women. He honors them. He believes women, except for those lying bitches who posted bullshit about him online. And the ones who haven’t come forward yet. Were they to come forward, at some hypothetical future date, like, say, maybe when their NDAs expire, they would also be lying. Still — nothing but love!

Armie has learned his lesson.
The world is ready for Armie to come back, and more importantly, Armie’s ready for the world! And I don’t mean that he’d like to attack the world like it’s a colossal flesh buffet. No, he’s ready to do some acting! He has taken this time to seriously reflect on the things he never did wrong, and he’s learned that he was innocent the whole time — especially of eating people!

Armie’s really down-to-earth.
This is not referring to any shallow graves he may have dug hastily in the night! He’s a chill, fundamentalist-raised heir of an oil tycoon who grew up in the Caribbean, just like you and me. It was a real stretch for him to play reclusive millionaire Maxim de Winter in “Rebecca,” or the tech millionaires the Winklevoss twins in “The Social Network.” And not just because that meant he had to become two; two mouths to feed, two bellies to fill, four eyes scanning the lands for fresh blood. Whoo! He’s got range.

Armie’s the real victim here.
The real culprit is cancel culture! No one should be shamed for their kinks. If Armie had expressed a desire to eat someone, which he totally didn’t because he doesn’t do that, who are we to judge? Unless you’re the LA Police Department, who may have said that he was under investigation, but hey! No charges have been brought. It’s completely wrong for some woke Twitter mob, or a large municipal police department, to judge an average guy who’s just out here trying to make some movies. [Addendum: Under no circumstances should this be considered a statement of legal fact admissible in consideration of the crime of perjury.]

Father of Four Considers Chili Recipe His Legacy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

OAK LAWN, Ill. — Father of four and local businessman Theodore “Ted” Rosenberg considers his chili con carne recipe to be the ultimate legacy he will one day leave behind, according to sources.

“My five-alarm, Blue Ribbon-winning chili is going to be the thing I’m remembered for,” said Rosenberg, whose oldest child recently ran a marathon. “A man only has so long on God’s green earth, and most of us spend it doing not much of a darn thing with their lives. But I want something of me to live on. I want people to know I put something into this world, that I was here and contributed. I want the name ‘Rosenberg’ to be synonymous with chili con carne.”

Joyce Rosenberg, his spouse of 44 years and the mother of his children, all of whom are still living, was aware of his feelings for his chili.

“Ted does love that stuff,” Rosenberg said. “He is truly devoted to that recipe. He spent years developing it. That man knows more about Hatch chiles than anyone I’ve ever known. He spends hours arguing with the ladies down at the local spice market about whether the oregano was ground fresh that day. He spent half our honeymoon in Mexico studying different beans. He’s ignored my needs, missed countless recitals and graduations and weddings, to get what I have to admit is a very solid chili recipe.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter said she has overseen many cases like Rosenberg’s.

“Mr. Rosenberg is unfortunately not a rare case,” Dr. Carter said while sampling a bowl. “These dads are concerned first and foremost with what mark they will leave on the world, what they will have changed that will make people think of them fondly. Sadly, most of them never realize that despite their chili recipes, their perfect game at the bowling alley when they were 32, and their perfectly refurbished 1963 XR-6 Tex Smith Roadster, they are simply writing words in water, which are sure to fade away. Fathers like this never realize that they’ve already left something in the world, and countless therapists likely owe their livelihood to the emotional ineptitude of these men.”

As of press time, none of Rosenberg’s children had called him in six years.

Opinion: As a Girl With a Short Skirt and Long Jacket, You’re Making a Lot of Assumptions About Me

Posted on by Emma Jonas

So, you’ve taken note of what I’m wearing and assumed my entire personality and life experience based on my choice of clothing? That don’t impress me much (I was always more of a Shania fan.)

Many men over the years have pegged me as their real-life Karen. No, not the one from the Internet videos. The imaginary one who changed her name from Kitty and has, apparently, the same style inclinations as me, according to the smug-faced boys of Cake.

Maybe I do know what’s best, if we’re talking knowing what clothing works best for my proportions, and knowing that I’d best stay far, far away from guys who are way too into talk-singing, cringey-hat-wearing cash-grab wine-mom bands.

Cake, huh? No, yeah, never heard of ‘em and don’t care to, for the sake of this and every conversation I’ve had over my years of knowing I look devastating in a mini-skirt and velveteen duster and owning the hell out of it. And I admit, I do have eyes that burn. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy on your part. Stop blowing your goddamn vape in my face.

It’s actually none of your business how early I get up or how late I go to bed. Are you saying I look tired? If I had uninterrupted prosperity, do you think I’d be at this dive bar, Grocery Outlet, or Ross Dress for Less? No, I’d be driving this imaginary Le Baron you all seem to think I own, and I’d know shit about dividends, too. I don’t even like Le Barons. I’m happy with my Civic, and it’s none of your business whether it has cup-holder armrests. I wish I could use a machete to cut through the red tape of you cornering me in this dispensary.

No, I haven’t toured any kind of facilities lately. What kind of question even is that?

You all seem to be searching for a lady to pay your bills and tell you how to get your shit together. And let me stop you there: it ain’t me, babe. I will not be picking up slack for your sake, euphemistic or otherwise. I think with my allegedly diamond-like mind that you could fulfill this fantasy by taking your mother out to get a new outfit and a manicure (is there a nail polish called “justice?” Is that what I’m missing?). She’ll pay for it with that Citibank card and use her dark, tinted glass voice to tell you to start listening to better music and leave poor, fashionable women like me alone.

And stop leaving stains all over her Italian leather so-fa.

Guy in Cattle Decapitation Shirt Only Polite Person at Airport Bar

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Metalhead Tyler Cobb was the only patron to behave with respect and civility at airport bar Buster’s, while sporting a Cattle Decapitation long sleeve T-shirt bearing cover art from the band’s debut album “Human Jerky,” multiple witnesses reported.

“When Ty — he said all his friends call him that — walked up to the bar, I braced myself for him to loudly ask to change the radio to Sirius XM’s Liquid Metal and slam some Jäger or something, but nope, he was a true gentlemen,” recounted bartender Dawn Everly, who was especially taken aback when he ordered a rather expensive Chablis. “Now, the other people at the bar? Total fucking animals. One woman had a shirt that said ‘Defund the Media’ and yelled ‘how hard is your job?!’ when I placed her husband’s Blue Moon in front of her instead of him. I hope she gets shingles. And that her kids join the DSA.”

Cobb is a longstanding fan of Cattle Decapitation and other technical death metal bands. He frequently travels while wearing their merch, surprising and delighting people who cross his path.

“I understand that some people might find the artwork of metal bands off-putting, but I find a captivating beauty in the intricate details,” explained Cobb, who gladly zips up a hoodie over his shirt if young children are around. “And there is nothing I like more during a day of travel than stopping by a bar for a nice white. While I typically opt for a buttery chardonnay, I was in the mood for something a bit tangier in Charlotte. The bartender seemed to be a bit stressed out, so I tipped a little extra.”

Members of Cattle Decapitation appreciate the way Cobb and other fans represent the band and their community during travels.

“Our most diehard fans come from distinguished and illustrious careers the world over, such as museum curators, preschool teachers, and caviar experts,” explained Cattle Decapitation vocalist Travis Ryan. “I’m not at all surprised that they display a magnificent amount of decorum and respect with the rest of the world. But don’t get us wrong, even if our fans mind their P’s and Q’s, they still fuck shit up in the pit. Anything goes during our breakdowns, and you can always expect to see at least a little blood, regardless of how many elevators they hold open for someone running down a hallway in their spare time.”

Cobb continued to shatter the world’s expectations by appearing as a contestant on Jeopardy while wearing a Pig Destroyer T-shirt.