7 Reasons Why We Don’t Need To Run the Fucking Set Again

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Listen, fellas. Enough’s enough. We don’t have another show for at least 3 months and, honestly, that one isn’t exactly set in stone. Our time on earth is finite and these fleeting moments may be all we have. So do we really need to run through the same 20-minute set we play every fucking week?

Let’s try something different for once! Here are 7 reasons why we don’t need to play the same 5 songs and one Fall Out Boy cover that we play every goddamn week.

First of All, It’s My Parent’s Basement – It’s been almost a year since my parents graciously allowed us to practice down here. And no, this is coming from me, not them. Sure, they’ve voiced the same sentiment but I also believe in respecting this space, unlike when I was growing up and also whenever they’re out of town.

We’ve Been Posting “Big Things Coming” For Way Too Long Now – This is like 90% of our social media presence. If we don’t start doing some new stuff, our 142 followers are going to eventually look elsewhere for announcements about upcoming big things.

I Bought Two New Guitars This Past Year – They’re meant for alternate tunings and they have humbuckers. Our current set is more of a single-coil type of sound and if that doesn’t change, I don’t know how I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror while holding two guitars.

We Need at Least 10 Songs for the Album if Anyone is Gonna Take Us Seriously – We haven’t changed it up since before the first pandemic outbreak and we’ve been a band for 5 years. Everybody’s heard it all before. By the time the LP comes out, our entire core audience will be married with kids, especially since half of them (Shelly) is pregnant with the other half’s (Mark’s) baby!

I’m 30, and I Need Some New Hobbies at This Point – I dunno, I’m starting to think that those assholes that go axe throwing every Wednesday are having more fun than me.

This Band is One of the Only Things Keeping me in Connecticut – Fuck Connecticut.

To Be Honest, I Don’t Like You Guys Very Much – Don’t get me wrong, you’re all solid players, but have any of you even noticed that I lock the deadbolt the second you all leave? You are literally the last people I want to be with.

Crust Punk Somehow Clogs Toilet After Taking a Piss

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Julian “The Stain” Rainer stunned a group of friends by somehow clogging a perfectly good toilet merely after urinating in it, sources who didn’t even think that was possible confirmed.

“Hoo boy. This is like the third time that’s happened this week,” said Rainer before attempting to shift blame to the toilet’s low-flow flushing system. “I should probably get my piss checked out, but I much prefer the old fashioned way of resolving bladder issues by hoping they just sort of go away on their own. I mean, I tried not drinking water for a few days to reset my system, but that only seemed to make my pee more clog-inducing. What’s even weirder is that I haven’t shit in weeks. It’s like my body combined both urination and excrement functions into one substance that is released every few days. I’m not too worried about it, though.”

Friends of Rainer reported never having seen anything like this before.

“He was literally peeing for four consecutive minutes before ultimately clogging the can, like full-blown piss stream the whole time,” said longtime pal Jenn Wheeper, owner of the toilet in question. “What’s worse is he played it off like the toilet wasn’t dramatically overflowing as he walked out of my bathroom. He said it was like that when he walked in, which is highly unlikely considering I heard him frantically fiddling with the upper tank portion while attempting to flush the toilet several more times in hopes it would miraculously unclog itself. I mean, he could’ve just used the plunger and no one would’ve known. From now on, that guy’s only allowed to piss outside on the fence like the rest of my guests.”

Experts who were also stunned by the news weighed in on the phenomenon.

“What we have here is a classic case of dehydration, UTI, or an STD. One of those,” said doctor Clara Danesfield. “At least I think so, anyway. Who knows. As medically trained professionals, we’re mostly taking guesses at these diagnoses. But seriously, I’ve never seen anything like this before. Except one patient whose urine sample inexplicably contained dangerous levels of gasoline and raccoon fur. I must not have been paying attention when they went over that one in medical school.”

At press time, Rainer was kicked out of the local gas station for clogging a urinal, which the local plumber suggested was structurally impossible to do to one of those.

If I Had Known That Universal Health Insurance Meant Actually Having To Go to the Dentist I Never Would Have Become a Socialist

Posted on by James Webster

The history of socialism is a history of struggle. Since Bernie Sanders invented the idea around 2015, socialists everywhere have been fighting the good fight to liberate the people from beneath the boot of capitalism. We advocate for affordable housing, support for infrastructure like public transportation, and healthcare for all. But I’ll be honest, if I had known that having health insurance means actually having to go to the dentist, I might have reconsidered this whole thing.

I hadn’t been to the dentist in like, ten years, because America’s corporate overlords decided that they want us proletarians to be sick and tired and miserable. Also, I fucking hated the dentist when I was a kid. Apparently, smoking is bad for your teeth, not just your lungs, which is complete bullshit.

I recently got a new job, and health and dental are part of the benefits, so I thought that I would test out my dental insurance, so that I can better advocate for my fellow working class citizens. Comrades, in complete honesty, it sucks.

The capitalist mindset is an easy one to understand. All they ever want is more. And like former Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele, the dentist took one look at me and said “drill, baby, drill.” As we all know, an injury to one is an injury to all, so we need to ask ourselves: is this really worth it? Even though they numb you, you can still feel the drill vibrating your head, and don’t even get me started on the sound it makes. Gross.

When I say “a better world is possible” I don’t mean one where that weird gritty toothpaste is inflicted upon as many people as possible. Fuck it, you know what? Dentists will be the first to go after the revolution.

To paraphrase Eugene V. Debs, “While there is a lower class, I am in it, while there is a criminal element, I am of it, and fuck clean teeth, who cares, it’s not worth it.”

Solidarity is everything. If you truly believe in equality, then you must agree to just accept really shitty teeth as a part of life. It’s not gross if we all do it!

Man Who Deleted Social Media Now Gets His Existential Dread From Reading Frozen Food Ingredients

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

OKLAHOMA CITY — Local sad sack Jarvis Palmer recently deleted all of his social media accounts and now spends most nights at his local grocery doom scrolling the ingredients on frozen food packaging, worried sources reported.

“I listened to this podcast about the overuse of social media and how it’s ruining our brains, so I stopped cold turkey. I mean, who gives a shit that all my exes are happily married and are actually doing something meaningful with their lives,” said Palmer, eyes glued to the back of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza Pack while contemplating what exactly “mechanically separated chicken”is. “It’s been kinda rough out here too, though. The pictures of these foods are all really a facade. They don’t actually look like that in real life. Or maybe they do, and I’m not competent enough to preheat my oven to 450℉, place pizza on a baking sheet, and bake for 13-15 minutes.”

Several concerned shoppers have complained to management about the gloomy customer hogging all the Lean Cuisines.

“I’ve got people that come in here happy as hell, ready to spend their cash on whatever. And as soon as they hit aisle A4, that fucking buzzkill ruins their day,” said worn out manager Antonio De Luca. “Look I get it, rent is too high and the ice caps are melting. But newsflash pal, my Hungry-Man dinners are defrosting while you’re groaning about whatever the hell thiamine mononitrate and monosodium glutamate is. Maybe you might find somebody if you didn’t spend eight hours a day bumming out random strangers.”

Leslie Huang, a professor of psychology at The University of North Carolina, has studied this phenomenon extensively in her recent work.

“It’s an interesting trend, one that is becoming extremely prevalent as adults are leaving social media sites in the hopes of leading a more fulfilling life,” said Dr. Huang. “One of my patients suffered from something very similar. After quitting Twitter, she searched far and wide for a replacement where she could endlessly scroll through horrendous takes by out-of-touch millionaires complaining about complex sociopolitical issues in modern day America. Thankfully, she found her solution by watching ‘The View’ every single day, but for others like Mr. Palmer, there may be no hope.”

At press time, Palmer was found solemnly writing Elliot Smith lyrics on the foggy glass freezer doors.

It’s Tragic That Jimi Hendrix Didn’t Stay Alive Long Enough To Make a Shitty Synth Record in the ‘80s

Posted on by Peter Woods

It’s always a tragedy when a monumental artist is taken from us too soon, but in my opinion, none of these losses are more tragic than losing Jimi Hendrix at the age of 27. Just imagine if he had lived. The world could have gotten so many more recordings, so many more concerts, and so many more beautiful, soulful songs written by one of the greats. But what breaks my heart more than anything is the fact that we never got an immensely shitty synth record from Hendrix in the mid-’80s.

When I close my eyes and envision what that record might have sounded like, I can’t help but shed a tear. For both the world’s incredible loss and for how godawful it would have sounded.

Try to picture it for yourself. Bring to the forefront of your imagination everything that made Hendrix one of the greatest guitar players to grace this world: the flawless technique, the raw power of his fiery playing, the deep soul embedded in every note, and the absolute wizardry that brought all of this together. Now throw all that out the window and replace it with repetitive drum loops and synth pads that sound like they were made with a children’s toy. That is what we could have had. That is the depth of this tragedy.

Of course, it’s never a given that artists will go on to make memorable music in their later years. But looking at the greats from his era who lived on and did, it’s hard to imagine that Hendrix wouldn’t have followed suit. Incredible musicians and songwriters like Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, and Leonard Cohen, just to name a few. Jimi would have surely followed their lead by making iconic music and also a really shitty synth album in the ’80s.

Hell, Van Halen wasn’t even around in the ’60s and they still stepped up and made a sonic war crime against their legacy with synthesizers. If Hendrix had done the same, it would have been an absolutely impeccable shitshow, which we will sadly never get to see.

Oh, and we totally would have gotten a completely phoned-in duet album with Lady Gaga in the 2010s. We definitely got robbed of that, too.

Drummer Expecting Triplets Accidentally Births Two Dotted Eighths, One Eighth Note Instead

Posted on by John Danek

LAREDO, Texas — Punk drummer Marcus Flannery shocked the medical and music worlds by giving birth not to triplets as expected, but rather two dotted eighth notes and a final eighth note, shocked hospital staff reported.

“I’ve been practicing and training for nine months with an instructor that coached me on fancy breathing techniques, but when it came time to the actual gig, I totally rushed it and pushed as hard as I could,” said Flannery, who admits to never following his childhood drum teacher’s guidance of practicing with a metronome. “So sure, things didn’t go according to plan, but I’m still happy with the result. I’m just glad that the beats were healthy and loud and didn’t require help from triggers. But I have to be honest; I don’t really hear much of a difference between normal triplets and my babies. Sounds the same to me!”

Flannery’s bandmate, bassist Evey Lawry, has stood by his side for years through empty gigs and botched fills.

“When Marcus first told me he was expecting triplets, I told him that I support his decision either way, but also I’m fine if he removes the triplets from this section of his life to make playing a little easier,” recounted Lawry, who has played bass in Backsmacker with Flannery for four years. “The fundamentals have never been Marcus’s strong suit, so I’m honestly not surprised that things turned out a little shakier than predicted. But that’s part of his style. Playing it loose and unexpected, sometimes with really fun and funky results.”

A nurse at the Laredo Medical Center Women’s Center shared her thoughts on Flannery’s unusual birth process.

“Who in the shitstained fuck brought a drumset into the delivery room?” asked neonatal nurse Donna Reddis. “I am doing everything I can to ensure that our patients are having safe, healthy births, and we have some jackass fucking up the beat who can’t play triplets evenly. Get this shit out of here, and if you’re going to harass people at their work, at least learn how to flam correctly. Security!”

Flannery’s family has confirmed that the children are doing fine, but Marcus still continues to have trouble telling the various notes apart.

5 Movies You Must Lie About Watching Before You Turn 30

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

Cinema is a universal language that we all speak. Our favorite films connect us all by tapping into the greater consciousness of the human experience. Now, you might not think those are the words of someone who has seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s entire filmography. But you would be dead wrong, friend-o. Look, I get it. Film is a storied medium that has rich origins and magical installments from its inception. But who has the time? It’s much easier to just watch some bullshit you like and fake the rest.

We took the liberty of figuring out the five most significant movies you must lie about watching before you turn 30.

1. Metropolis (1927) – Ah, the godfather of nerd shit. Considered one of the first feature-length science fiction films, this one’s about a gorgeous utopia built atop a bleak underworld populated by the have-nots. You know, like every other science fiction movie. Just look this one up on Google Images, and be sure to mention how grateful you are for its restoration.

2. The Seventh Seal (1957) – Luckily for this one, you just have to watch “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” and you’ll get everything you need to know. The next time you have trouble understanding the ending of an A24 movie, just say it was reminiscent of Ingmar Bergman and give it two and a half stars on Letterboxd.

3. Blade Runner (1982) – I’ll save you some time here. Watch “Total Recall” instead. It’s basically the same thing, except it kicks way more ass, and it’s got Arnold Schwarzenegger. Win-win.

4. The Matrix (1999) – This one’s got some pretty rad action sequences, but it’s just so long. We can’t possibly be tasked with watching every great movie over 90 minutes, can we? “The Matrix” is already so prevalent in American culture, you’ve probably absorbed all the relevant info through osmosis anyway. Red pills, blue pills, Morpheus in the Hot Topic trench coat, etc.

5. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) – This may seem like an odd entry, but trust me. Save yourself the trouble on this one. When people find out that someone’s never seen Star Wars, they lose their shit and become possessed by the uncontrollable need to keep repeating, “You’ve never seen Star Wars!” Nip it in the bud. Just remember to say Han shot first if you ever get any pushback.

Local Punk Featured in 30 People Over 30 Who Need to Get Their Shit Together

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Local punk Cris Martinson was recently honored by Forbes Magazine in their annual “30 People over 30 Who Need to Get Their Shit Together” list, sources reported.

“Each year we see countless pieces of human garbage who are utterly failing in every aspect of life, and Ms. Martinson was one of the un-esteemed names we couldn’t possibly leave off this list,” said editor-in-chief Steve Forbes. “From getting fired from three jobs in the span of 10 months to getting caught cheating on her girlfriend with her 16-year-old sister, Cris is a person who really needs to get her ass in gear, and quickly. If she keeps up her bullshit talk of forming a band and never following through, along with getting drunk and passing out on the bus on a near-nightly basis, she’ll be a shoe-in for next year’s list. And probably the next four, until she turns 40.”

Friends and relatives of Martinson, when reached for comment, said the honor was well deserved.

“Oh yeah, Cris is a complete piece of shit,” said longtime friend Caleb Levi. “This fucking girl is stealing her mom’s valium and selling her little brother’s ritalin to speed freaks. She mooches off, like, everyone, is scamming money from her senile grandmother, and has been crashing on my couch for six weeks and hasn’t even offered to pay rent or even clean up after herself. I know that being an utter scumbag loser takes a lot of work, but Cris puts it in hardcore.”

When asked for her thoughts on the honor, Martinson seemed confused as to the nature of the award.

“Oh snap, for real? That’s tight, yo. I feel like I really earned this,” the underachieving wonder said while eating her roommate’s leftovers. “This was totally worth Mom getting sent to the booby hatch. Is there like prize money? I’ve got some guys I need to pay off because I didn’t come through on a batch of homebrew. If there’s an award ceremony or anything I just have to legally announce that I can’t go if it’s within 500 feet of a school, for personal reasons.”

At press time, Martinson had blown off her shift at work to get stoned in an abandoned quarry with her middle school-aged cousin.

Stop Kink-Shaming Tarantino for Loving Feet Almost as Much as I Do

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, enough is enough! We have to take a stand. The snide jokes and digs and microaggressions have gone for too long. It’s time to stop kink-shaming Quentin Tarantino for loving feet almost as much as I do.

It’s a pity that, in these “enlightened” times when people pay so much lip service to freedom of sexual expression, it’s apparently okay to mock one of Hollywood’s greatest film directors and also me for understanding the glorious sensuality of the bare foot. We think we’ve come so far as a society and then you hear a prurient, childish audience tittering knowingly at the combined 9 minutes and 47 seconds of feet footage in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood, or some lifeguard tells you to stop circling the edges of people’s beach towels, and you realize that we aren’t nearly where we should be.

Do people think it’s “weird” that Tarantino goes out of his way to highlight the often-bare, always-titillating feet of his starlets on screen? Do they think it’s “weird” that I have three different subscriptions to a Lady Foot Locker catalogue, one for work, one for home, and one just in case? Yes, and those people need to mind their business.

Nobody has a negative, shame-filled comment when Chris Evans or Pratt strips off his shirt in a Marvel movie to show off rippling muscles. There’s no judgement when we see Margot Robbie’s million-watt smile in The Suicide Squad. But then you simply spend an afternoon winding and rewinding the scene in which Robbie as doomed film star Sharon Tate props up her dirty, nasty, filthy feet in a theater for everyone to see, and you’re some kind of pervert and so is Tarantino.

Don’t be on the wrong side of history. You can knock Tarantino and Joss Whedon and Renny Harlin and a group of like-minded individuals I know who have a members-only Reddit for knowing what they like and not being ashamed, but time will show you for the bigots you are.

It wasn’t that long ago that a glimpse of a stocking was considered shocking, and now it sounds silly. Mark my words: in the future, being uncontrollably aroused by the sight of someone slowly, luxuriously painting their toenails will seem just as normal. And you’ll think back on your jokes and judgement and kink-shaming, and then you’ll be the one who’s ashamed.

Now, how much for a pic of those feet?

Desperate Band Prepares To Play “Only A Few Tix Left” Gambit

Posted on by Josh Klasco

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local psychedelic doo-wop band Francis and the Francy Boys are preparing to play the “only a few tix left” gambit in response to predictions of low attendance at yet another show, sources who aren’t falling for it confirmed.

“Tickets are just going really fast, I guess,” lied band leader Francis Meshakeret. “I can’t say I’m surprised. Innovation takes a while to catch on, but when it does, watch out! For a while, people didn’t know what to make of psychedelic doo-wop, but it was the same story with the iPod or the Model-T. Yessir, people are finally hip to the sound of the future and tickets are going quick. Honestly, you should probably buy more than you need; you could scalp them at the show and make a killing.”

Francy Boys soprano theremin player, Zilpo Blorgif, isn’t as confident as his band leader.

“Francis is a visionary and I’d follow her to the gates of hell, but I think she’s overplaying her hand here,” Blogrif said. “She can’t accept that the world isn’t ready for us and is entirely unwilling to come out and see us play because of that. It’s worse than the time she said we were playing a reunion show. People seemed more excited by the idea that we had ever broken up, even though we hadn’t. It really didn’t do much for morale around here.”

Dr. Homer Mekomi is an anthropologist who specializes in little-known local bands and confirmed that tactics such as these are common.

“Ah, the ‘only a few tix left’ gambit,” mused Dr. Mekomi from the back of the coffee shop where he works part-time. “It’s a bold move. Denver’s klezmer-fusion pioneers, Hadgaba, pulled it off once, but that was only when paired with the even more risky ‘our last show ever’ maneuver. It’s always hard to see bands resort to such drastic measures. But one can’t help but think that, if they would stop writing songs based around robotic frogs atonally rabbiting in syncopated 7/8 time, maybe people would actually want to go to their shows.”

As low ticket sales persist, Francis and the Francy Boys are preparing to release a ransom note asserting that they have been kidnaped and won’t be released unless they sell 15 tickets to their next show.