Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: Don’t Gift Me Sex Coupons if They’re Just Going to ‘Expire’ Three Years After We Broke Up

I understand why you did it. I’ve never been an easy person to buy gifts for. So why go to all the trouble of figuring out what to get me when you could simply make some ‘sex coupons’ in lieu of a present? But the next time you do that for a boyfriend, please, have the good sense to, at the very least, add an expiration date.

It’s not that I want to use the coupons, I don’t. I’m just upset that you were so irresponsible. We both knew we had problems. We fought all the time, hated each other’s friends, and stopped spending time together. You must have realized things were coming to an end. So why on Earth would you think it was a good idea to give me 20 assorted sex coupons containing no language indicating they would ever expire?

I know a deal when I see one. So, when you gave me these coupons, I was stunned that you didn’t include any terms and conditions. You were always terrible at planning ahead, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that you didn’t put the thought and care into ensuring their use was contingent on the continuation of our relationship. This is just like when you bought me a sweater for my birthday right before summer.

All I ever wanted was a nice, thoughtful present from you. Something that showed you were marriage material. Instead, you gave me proof that you couldn’t be trusted. If we’d gotten married, how do I know you didn’t have sex coupons out there from some other partner who could, within their right, show up to our house and collect and there would not legally be a thing I could do about it.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe the coupons were your way of telling me you were in it for the long haul. That you were committed to me and our love. I guess I’ll ever know, because unlike your gift, our future expired a long time ago. I just wish I had a coupon for a second chance.