Supreme Court Allows Texas to Devolve into Mad Max Hellscape

Posted on by James Knapp

WASHINGTON, D.C — The Supreme Court of the United States recently decided, after allowing a law banning all abortions after six weeks, that the State of Texas is free to plummet into full-on apocalypse mode, sources who have no personal stake in any of this confirmed.

“By not interfering with the enactment of this new law, not only have we upheld the Constitution, but we’ve also allowed Texas to retain its freedom. Specifically, the freedom to be the shittiest hellhole it possibly can be,” explained accused sexual predator Brett Kavanaugh. “By making it illegal for women to get abortions long before most are even aware they’re pregnant, even in cases of rape, incest or threat to the health of the mother, Texans now have the opportunity to realize their state’s true Thunderdome potential. If you thought people stockpiling gasoline when Texas made driving a hybrid car a felony was crazy, boy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Many Texans expressed support for their newly enacted subjugation.

“Look, I’m just a simple, red-blooded, God fearing American man. I like my beer cold, my cows slaughtered, and my women fertilized,” proclaimed Longview resident Billy “Bill” Gunderson. “If those hippie homos in California and New York think they can take away my right to force my ex-wives to pop out another Bill Jr., I’d like to see ‘em try. I was stockpiling ammo long before it was inevitable I’d soon have to fight off the roving gangs of leather-clad marauders that have been coming out of Houston. Yeehaw, assholes!”

Providers based out of Austin announced their intention to continue to offer abortion services to women seeking them despite the looming armageddon.

“This is just the latest attempt the State and the courts have made to restrict the services we provide. We’ve had to fight before and I’ll be damned if we’re not gonna fight again now,” said Courtney Clemons, MD, from the newly constructed sniper’s nest on the roof of the Austin Planned Parenthood. “I’m not gonna lie, things are pretty bad now. Earlier today I saw some pro lifers affixing big metal spikes and a flamethrower to the front of a dune buggy. But I’m still pro choice, and right now I’m choosing to kick Immortan Greg Abbott right in his immortan dick.”

At press time, Texas legislators were finalizing a bill to eliminate sex education entirely, replacing it with a single viewing of the stoner comedy “Knocked Up.”

Just Because I’m Not the Merch Guy Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Try My Delicious Homemade Honey

Posted on by Mike Civins

Mmmm, where do you think you’re going? I see you pollinating my sweet golden honey with your eyeballs. Sure, you could buy a Porcelain Innards hoodie. They’re on stage now, right? Looks like they have a new album out, too. Yeah, they’re great. SUPER friendly. Didn’t make a peep when I set up next to their merch table. What? No, I’m not the merch guy. Well, what does that matter?! You can still try my delicious honey. Wait up!

Now, let’s get down to beeswax. Ha! That’s just my fun way of saying “business” that puts customers like you at ease. See? I could be a merch guy. Now eat my honey of unknown origin!

What’s it going to take to get my shimmering golden goo on that honeyless pink tongue of yours? I have tiny tasting strips I made from these flyers I found on the merch/honey table. The band doesn’t need ALL of them. Sure, you could spend your merch dollars on Porcelain Innards’ new split EP with Penetrating Chest Trauma, but it won’t taste nearly as exquisite as the mysterious sugary secretions you see before you. See, this is DIY honey. I made it in a basement. Super punk, right? Whereas I bet this split EP was made in some fancy, pretentious attic.

Alright, so how many jars will you be buying? May as well buy them all, and quickly. Who knows how long any of us has on this big blue marble, am I right? And based on the members of Porcelain Innards currently directing security my way, we don’t have a lot of time to finish this deal either.

Dude Runs Water for Three Seconds so Roommates Think He Washed His Hands

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local man and filthy roommate Mickey Bedford was caught running the sink for a few short seconds on Tuesday evening in an attempt to dupe his roommates into thinking he washed his hands, suspicious sources confirmed.

“I’ve got this down to a science,” said Bedford while demonstrating his routine. “Run the tap for a few seconds, rustle the hand towel around, and then shake out my hands as I’m exiting the bathroom so it looks like I’m getting the excess water off of them. It’s really important to let the sound of the toilet flush die down before running the faucet so everyone can hear it clearly. My roommates don’t suspect a thing. If I take a dump, then I might even run the sink twice so my roommates think I double dunked my hands. It’s that extra precaution that really sells it.”

One of Bedford’s roommates, Tyler Wu, was not tricked by Bedford’s sly efforts.

“The other night, I caught him wiping his completely dry hands on his pants like he had just washed them,” said Wu. “He thinks he can fool us, but he doesn’t even keep soap on his side of the double sink. One time we had ribs for dinner and he stepped out of the bathroom with his hands still covered in barbecue sauce. At least, I really hope it was barbecue sauce. Come to think of it, he might have totally shit on his hands without washing them. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

Dr. Emily Saunders, a professor of psychology at Yale University, was not surprised to hear of this behavior from men in their early twenties.

“Young men take a lot of liberties when it comes to embracing the freedom of now being an adult, and that includes bypassing most hygienic behavior,” said Saunders. “These walking petri dishes think that refilling their 3-in-1 body wash containers with water after they run out suffices as enough soap — once can work, but we’re talking two and three refills, here. One time I did a case study of a guy that thought spraying the underwear he had been wearing for two weeks with Febreeze counted as ‘doing laundry.’ I’ve never smelled anything so wretched that also had hints of lavender in my life.”

When asked how he plans on furthering his schemes in the bathroom, Bedford stated that he would test out how long he can get away without taking a shower by running the tub water for a minute.

I Was There When Hammer Hurt ‘Em

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

To live in changing times can feel like a curse. To understand the significance of history happening all around you is a difficult thing, and I should know. I was there when MC Hammer hurt ‘em, and that has shaped my entire life since.

When times of peril come around, we all think we will know what to do. But when I saw that look in Hammer’s eyes and I knew he was prepared to hurt ’em, I froze. I didn’t know how to stop him or even why Hammer was about to hurt ‘em. But it was no isolated incident. For all of MC Hammer’s massive, groundbreaking success in the world of pop rap and Addams Family-related promotional singles, he was constantly at the edge of snapping and hurtin’ ‘em.

Studio execs had to instruct his entourage to placate him and keep him from using his flashy dance moves from hurtin’ ‘em. After a Congressional investigation led by Tipper Gore on the subject of Hammer hurtin’ ‘em, all of the MC’s albums were required to have a special Parental Advisory sticker indicating that listening to this jam could lead to ‘em being hurt. And I was there, a witness to it all.

It is one of the great regrets of my life that I did not sufficiently make the case to Hammer why he should not hurt ’em. I often wonder if I had begged, if I had thrown myself at Hammer’s feet and pleaded, “Please, PLEASE, Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em,” would he have listened? It’s impossible to say. The moment of heroism I might have had has passed by. And besides, he was far too legit to quit, regardless of who was asking him to quit.

I still have nightmares of what happened, when I can sleep at all. The carnage, the violence, the giant pants. If I am remembered at all, it will be as the man who watched helplessly as Hammer hurt ’em. And did nothing.

Please, heed my words. If you ever see Hammer and he seems prepared to hurt ’em, don’t stand by, like me. Do something. The next time…you might be part of the ‘em that Hammer hurts.

Dog Embarrassed Punk Owner Keeps Dragging Asshole On Carpet

Posted on by John Danek

FRESNO, Calif. — Local golden retriever DeeDee is utterly ashamed at owner Ben “Stank Beav” Carlisle’s insistence on dragging his itchy, bare ass on their apartment’s carpet, sympathetic neighbors reported.

“The irony of this situation is certainly not lost on me, but I left barbaric behavior like dragging my private parts on the ground behind in obedience school,” lamented DeeDee, who spends most of his days meditating in his crate. “Benjamin could benefit from similar schooling. I’ve gone to great lengths to become a respected member of my community, yet my owner undermines all progress I make by vomiting in the apartment’s shared stairwell or routinely scratching cars in the parking lot with his 1992 Ford Tempo. At least he started bagging his own waste any time he craps outside. That was a whole ordeal.”

“Stank Beav” Carlisle defended his unorthodox methods of handling bodily needs.

“Sure, I used to handle things the way society wants me to — by scratching my anus with my index finger or the back of my thumbnail,” admitted Carlisle, who refuses to see a doctor out of opposition to western medicine and lack of health insurance. “But I found a better way, and I don’t care if it’s ‘not appropriate’ or ‘fucking disgusting’ or ‘leaving streaks that stink so bad the neighbors call the cops.’ I shred my shit on shag carpet and I’m set for hours. And you know what? I don’t really care for the judgmental way DeeDee cocks his head to the side while I do it. But he’s just a dumbass dog, probably has no idea what he’s even looking at.”

An obedience school teacher with decades of experience teaching thousands of dogs explained the difficulty that sometimes comes with a belligerent pupil.

“People always ask if pitbulls are the most difficult, or if poodles are really mean, but there’s only one type of student I’ve found to be entirely untrainable,” declared Anne Bowers, owner of the Puppy Prep Dog School. “And that is a human being. Specifically the rock and roll types. When I see those studded bracelets and tank tops held together with impractically large safety pins, I know I’m fucked. The dogs are usually fine, but how do you tell a grown adult to stop eating food off the floor and stop peeing on things to mark territory?”

DeeDee’s shame has worsened immensely, after Carlisle was thrown out of a punk show for repeatedly humping an acquaintance’s leg “as a joke.”

Joe Rogan Says in Lieu of Flowers Send Videos of a Tiger Fighting a Wolf

Posted on by Camden Brazile

AUSTIN — Media personality and podcast tycoon Joe Rogan tested positive for the coronavirus today, and urged his followers that, in lieu of flowers, they send videos of a tiger fighting a wolf.

“Please, fans, don’t worry about me. I have to ask that everyone resist the urge to mail me any Edible Arrangements, balloons, or flowers, and just videos of giant, crazy super predators fighting to the death,” Rogan said, to his fans and followers via Twitter. “I want to heal my mind and my brain first and foremost, and the only way to recover from within is to watch something badass like that. It gets me equal parts pumped and gives me a ton of good ideas for the next time I might have to move 580 pounds of body weight off of me at any given time.”

Rogan expanded on how this has affected his outlook of the vaccine and his career going forward.

“I’m glad I didn’t get vaccinated, because DMT trips when you’re sick hit so much harder, and plus, I’m not gonna take advice from any President who doesn’t have at least a green belt in Jiu-Jitsu,” Rogan said. ”I think for my next guest on the pod I’m going to have this bright light at the end of that tunnel I keep seeing. I wanna find out if it smokes or not.”

“Hey Jamie, can you pull up what heaven looks like?” he added.

At press time, Rogan insisted that if he were to unfortunately pass, that all his assets be awarded to whoever posted that “sick vid of an Orca ripping it’s trainer’s face off.”

Photo credit; Wikimedia

Man Attending Turnstile Show in GG Allin Shirt Searched Twice

Posted on by Steve Yuen

AUSTIN — Turnstile show attendee and guy in a GG Allin shirt Mark Creston was searched by security twice following a fecal matter-related incident at a recent performance, according to sources who swear it wasn’t them.

“We kept hearing this crowd wasn’t going to be a problem so we all thought this was gonna be just an easy evening of waving people through,” said Mohawk Austin head of security, Dale DeVargas. “After hearing about what happened in Santa Cruz, we’re dedicated to working tirelessly to keep the bands, their fans, and all known surfaces outside of the restroom free of fecal matter, and we’re starting with this shifty-eyed motherfucker in the GG shirt. I wasn’t born yesterday.”

An irate Creston claims to be unfairly profiled.

“Look GG was the true king of rock and roll, and yes he threw shit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to,” Creston exclaimed. “Do you think every fool in an Ozzy shirt is gonna bite a bat’s head off? This is classic discrimination and anti-GG slander. I’m just here to get my time up there doing flips off the stage while some band plays, just like everyone else.”

A venue employee, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were told they needed to be nice to every potential customer, claims that Creston is well known by venue staff.

“I try to give everyone that comes in here the benefit of the doubt, but that guy lost those privileges the third time he ‘must have accidentally stepped in dog poop,’” they explained. “He always smells like shit then stinks this whole place up. I think he comes in with his pants already filled, so the fact that everything lined up to this exact moment is probably like reaching nirvana to him.”

During Creston’s secondary search a manifesto was found indicating the potential use of up to three more bodily functions.

Review: DARE “Against All Odds”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Orange Country straight edge powerhouse, DARE, are here to make their mark on the hardcore scene  with their debut full-length LP “Against All Odds” on Revelation Records. Eleven hard hitting crushers covering topics from racial injustices, dedication to straight edge and everything in between.

As much as I love this record from front to back, I can’t help but be reminded of our school’s D.A.R.E. officer, Benny O’Brien, who got busted selling drugs to staff and students in my middle school for damn near ten years. I remember hearing rumors about him from my friends’ older siblings since I was back in the third grade. He would bring duffle bags of all sorts of stuff and throughout his presentation things would get passed around and by the time he left his bags were empty.

When I finally got to the fifth grade Officer O’Brien was giving drug awareness speeches three times a year. Coincidentally, that was the same year our principal was arrested for extorting students out of their lunch money. Word around campus was he’d call different kids into his office, light a match and threaten to blame them for burning down the school unless they emptied their pockets. Thank god one of the administrative employees called the fire department after smelling the fumes from the gasoline he poured all over his desk.

It seemed like the perfect crime for O’Brien while it lasted. I mean, it was like he had a brand new sports car every time he came to visit. I had no idea I was witnessing something out of the ordinary. Teaming up with the teachers to demonstrate how to use all the different types of drugs we were warned against taking kind of made sense. Watching my science teacher fall asleep standing up in the middle of class after shooting up heroin at 10 a.m. is exactly why I’ve never been interested in trying the stuff.

Now that I’m an adult I know that my experience with the D.A.R.E. program is vastly different from anybody else’s I’ve met and in no way reflects what this sick ass band is about. If you’re a fan of ripping hardcore, social justice and being unapologetically sober, you’re going to love this record.

Score: 10/10 cases of Narcan

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Marvel Throws Out Captain America vs. Predator Just to See If It Sticks

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Bored Marvel and Disney executives confirmed that they have greenlit a Captain America vs. Predator crossover mostly for shits and giggles, insiders report.

“I mean, fuck it, why not,” remarked one Marvel executive while wiping a white powder from under his nose. “At this point you fucking peasants will lap up any Marvel property we shove at you, so why not just take two iconic characters from completely different franchises and shove them into some hamfisted CGI orgy designed only to maximize profit. It makes good business sense since we own everything now. If this works, maybe a Harry Potter/Golden Girls/Jennifer’s Body crossover next. We can do whatever the fuck we want, and when awards season comes we’ll be up on that stage laughing our dicks off.”

Disney executives expressed optimism about prospects for the proposed project, calling it “bold and original” as opposed to calculated and cynical.

“For decades, we at Disney have been working tirelessly to destroy any original or creative ideas. And as long as audiences let us keep getting away with it, we intend to keep it up,” stated a senior Disney business analyst. “The whole concept of this project should insult fans of both franchises and anyone with a functioning brain, but we all know this baby will net at least one billion overseas. Then we’ll just endlessly reboot it. All we need to do is have, say, James Gunn direct it and bam, blockbuster flick.”

While Disney insiders were excited about the project, critics warned of possible fatigue and overload on Marvel properties.

“I think with this one, they’ve officially jumped the shark,” noted critic Matt Singer of ScreenRant. “Once the novelty of Captain America fighting Predators wears off, you’ve got a pretty flimsy premise for a movie that kind of ignores the backstory of both franchises, so you’re just going to have a bunch of whiny fanboys shitting their pants over this and complaining about casting. Not to mention the countless thinkpiece articles we’re going to have to suffer through. Can’t we just let this one pass? No one needs this movie.”

Leaked documents show Disney executives admitted this was all a ploy to numb audiences ahead of the inevitable Star Wars/Marvel crossover.

Man Slowly Caving to Ad for 7/11 Hot Dog

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local man Todd Cohen admitted that he is slowly caving to a misleading ad for the 7/11 hot dog snack known as “The Big Bite Hot Dog,” confirmed multiple sources who saw him staring at the ad for over 15 minutes.

“I was walking by the 7/11 on Denny Way, thinking maybe I would get lunch somewhere downtown,” explained Cohen, whose willpower was crumbling to the power of 7/11 by the moment. “That’s when I saw this giant poster for the most fake-looking hot dog I’d ever seen. It was a shade of red that doesn’t exist in nature, the relish was a dull gray-green with weird orange flecks, and even the mustard looked like it was drawn on with MS Paint. I was wondering what kind of person would eat that trash, but before I knew it, I was nodding to myself that 99 cents was a pretty good price, especially since the combo meal comes with a Slurpee.”

Ronald Lovett, a long-time clerk at the Denny Way 7/11, was unsurprised by Cohen’s lack of spine in the face of the Big Bite Hot Dog.

“I see this every day,” Lovett said while misting the all-beef hot dog franks on their rotisserie. “People think they’re too good for the meat offerings we have in our oven. They come in, browsing the coolers like they’re looking for a sugar-free Gatorade Zero, and next thing they know, they find themselves in front of the hot dog station, asking me if there’s any onions that flies haven’t been on. The answer is no; it’s always no.”

“No one can stand before the might of 7/11,” Lovett added, his eyes distant.

The advertising executive responsible for the Big Bite Hot Dog ad that transfixed Cohen, Terry Bonham, was pleased to hear of the continued success of his work.

“Most people think successful advertising is about appealing to consumers,” Bonham said while tracing the original artwork for the cased “meat” with a single finger. “But nothing could be further from the truth. There’s no point in trying to convince anyone with self-respect that they want what we have. Instead, our ads are designed to target the weak, the credulous, people like Mr. Cohen who can be convinced to consume something no one ever should.”

As of press time, Cohen was staring at the empty Big Bite Hot Dog packaging in his hands and taking stock of his life.