WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of…
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound…
SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was…
BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local metalhead Devon Kingsley is reportedly still feeling a slight sense of euphoria after receiving $6.66 back from a purchase he made…
CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to look slightly worse than before,…
If you have been unfortunate enough to visit the YouTube comments of the video of any given metal band, you’re well aware of the ever-present…
BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue…
ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown…
WAUKEE, Iowa — Tardy metalhead Colby Shelton accidentally wore his young sister’s Girl Scout vest to a recent show, mistaking it for his battle vest,…