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If I’m Such a Horrible Husband Why Have I Been Married So Many Times?

Some people are so bad at marriage, they only do it once, but that’s just not my style. Even as a little boy I knew I wanted to grow up and fulfill my role as protector and semi-faithful husband to a handful of unsuspecting women, just like my dad.

It seemed only natural to get married and raise a house full of half-blooded siblings who barely resembled one another, yet all seemed to inherit my penchant for violence. Being a good husband has always been of the utmost importance to me, and I feel very lucky that I have had so many chances to do it over the years. That being said, I can’t believe my wife just served me divorce papers.

Being faced with another failed relationship has forced me to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself why I keep picking such horrible stupid women to marry. If I’m such a “lying cheating piece of shit,” explain to me why seven other women said “I do” on our wedding day, despite fervent objections from their friends and families. I’ll wait.

For the thousandth time, that was not a hickey. I had a mishap with a vacuum cleaner at the car wash and it suctioned onto my neck. Do you have any idea what a 25 horsepower vacuum motor can do once it latches onto a person’s throat? I’m lucky to be alive. Oh, that’s the worst lie you’ve ever heard? You sound just like my ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.

The worst part is that she got our court date scheduled for the middle of June, the peak of wedding season. She knows damned well I’m probably going to be busy with my next marriage by then!

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. Maybe I gamble a little too much or drink a little too often, but that’s what men do, which is why everyone I know has a perfectly healthy relationship with their father. Before you go calling me a “verbally abusive control freak” or an “impotent shell of my former self,” just remember the love we shared and all those times I almost made you come.