New Texas Law Sends Any Woman Accused of Causing Blue Balls to Electric Chair

Posted on by Contributor

AUSTIN, Texas — Texas lawmakers continued their draconian war on reproductive freedom by passing a new law that would immediately sentence any woman accused of causing blue balls to death by electrocution.

“Blue balls are the leading cause of discomfort for males aged 12 to 65 and it’s about time women are held accountable for their actions,” said Senator Robert Nichols, District 3 representative and staunch advocate of blue ball eradication. “There are lots of detractors saying ‘this punishment is too severe,’ that we are ‘unfairly targeting women,’ and that ‘blue balls aren’t real.’ However I live in Texas, and in this state I believe that a woman has a responsibility to bring a man to completion if she is the cause of his arousal or else she gets to have a date with ol’ sparky the electric chair.”

“I’ve heard that if blue balls aren’t addressed that semen can enter the bloodstream and kill a man, and that loss of life would be a tragedy,” added Nichols.

Women’s rights advocates across Texas immediately spoke out against the bill.

“These motherfuckers,” said Amani Clark while clenching her fists so hard she broke three bones in her hand. “I don’t know what’s next. Outlawing menstruation because they think ‘it’s gross’ is probably on the table. They won’t be happy until we are treated like cattle just producing babies, and once we can’t do that anymore they will butcher us and serve our meat at state events.”

The Supreme Court upheld the law in a 5-4 decision made earlier today.

“There have been multiple times in my life where I myself was stricken with blue balls and I always wanted justice. Blue balls caused me to have to sit down for 30 seconds, and then when I walked around I felt a little sore. That’s not America — men should be serviced by their wives, or any other woman they see fit,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “My college buddy ‘Slick’ Rick Douglas, man that guy was a poon hound, he told me he had blue balls so bad once that he tried humping a bowl of ice cream to fix it. Man that dude was funny. He made a freshman eat the ice cream after. You can’t make this up.”

At press time, self-proclaimed liberal, Tristen Goff, was awarded a $25 gift card to Best Buy for being the 1,000,000th person to say “if they don’t like the law then they should just move away.”

Fox News Floats in Expert to Flooded Newsroom to Debunk Climate Change Reports

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Fox News floated a self-proclaimed climate change expert into their flooded Manhattan newsroom Friday to assert that the latest inclement weather could not be tied to global warming.

“The liberal media is getting people all riled up about climate change, but there are scientists out there who will tell you we can’t prove one hundred percent that the bad weather we’re having is caused by global warming,” said Herman Walters, a professor at Oral Roberts University and climate change skeptic, as he rested atop an innertube shaped like the face of Ronald Reagan several feet above the ground in the flooded Fox News studio. “We all know the UN is biased and dead-set on attacking the oil and gas industries, but if they want to know who’s really to blame, they need to take a good, hard look at themselves, which has never been easier to do now that most of Manhattan is a wet, reflective surface.”

Tucker Carlson, head anchor of Fox’s most-watched program and certified SCUBA instructor after his week on the flooded set, seemed to agree with his guest’s argument.

“These Antifa socialists want everyday Americans like you and me to feel guilty for eating red meat, reading the Bible and making love to the American Flag like our founding fathers, but we won’t do it,” Carlson garbled from behind a snorkeling mask, his arms buoyed by a pair of red Make America Great Again floaties. “They’re too afraid to tell you that the real culprit is the lazy illegals who come here, taking our jobs and spreading the coronavirus, which is also a hoax. Shouldn’t they be used to tropical weather, anyway? If they don’t like American hurricanes, they can deal with the climate catastrophes in their home countries.”

Hugo Welch, a BP oil executive and Mr. Carlson’s second guest, confirmed that concerns about climate change have been overblown.

“I’m not even sure what the Democrats are really upset about,” Welch said, appearing via livestream on a half-submerged screen in the Tucker Carlson Tonight studio. “So the subway had a tad of water in it. Well, I’m awfully sorry, but if you don’t want to ride the subway while waist-deep in floodwater that may be contaminated with human excrement, just hop on your chartered jet! I mean, you’d think people would have the good sense to at least phone a helicopter service before they go blaming the good executives who are putting in countless hours trying to keep their board members happy.”

At press time, Carlson announced that he’d be hosting his next episode, an expose on how abortions cause wildfires, live from Lake Tahoe.

Red Lobster Declares Bankruptcy Following Disastrous “Holiday in Clam-bodia” Promotion

Posted on by James Knapp

SAN FRANCISCO — American chain seafood restaurant Red Lobster declared chapter 7 bankruptcy this week after a recent crossover promotion with punk band Dead Kennedys resulted in numerous hospitalizations and lawsuits, causing irreparable damage to the company’s image, permanently scarred sources confirmed.

“We are saddened to announce that, after more than fifty years of serving moderately-priced seafood to the American public, we will be closing down every one of our restaurants still in operation,” said Red Lobster spokesperson Regina Fleck, in a press statement released earlier today. “Clearly our recent promotion was not well executed, and with the damage it has caused we feel it’s best for everyone involved if maybe our business just completely stopped being a thing anymore. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the thousands of seafood aficionados still in intensive care with acute shellfish dysentery.”

Red Lobster patron Sheila Ross described her experience at the promotion as “a harrowing nightmare akin to the killing fields themselves.”

“My god. The clams. Those horrible, horrible clams,” muttered Ross through a withering thousand-yard-stare. “You hear these stories from soldiers returning from war, but you never truly believe man’s inhumanity to man until you witness it for yourself. How can I go on now that I know exactly how much chowder a human chest cavity can hold? Sweet Jesus, it was so much chowder!”

Despite universal backlash, Dead Kennedys guitarist East Bay Ray is optimistic about future crossover promotions with other chain eateries.

“The Dead Kennedys brand has never been afraid of a little controversy, and that’s all this is. Sure, the promo could have been handled a little better, but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of opportunities to get this right at some point,” explained Ray after confirming that the check he was written by Red Lobster would still be honored. “We’ve already been tossing a few ideas around over at DK headquarters. How about this: we do a joint event with Coldstone Creamery and call it ‘Chill the Poor.’ Get it? Chill… like instead of kill? I’m just spitballin’ here.”

At press time, Red Lobster’s legal team was finalizing its out-of-court settlement for the class action lawsuit filed against them, dubbed by the media “Clam-gate.”

The Best Sublime Songs to Pump You up Before Failing a Drug Test

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Everyone knows the hardest part of starting a new job is passing the pre-hire drug test. It’s one thing if you have sober friends you can borrow piss from, but who has those these days?! Since you still listen to Sublime, I’m guessing not you.

Still, even if you do partake in some illicit partying like Bradley Nowell did (RIP), you gotta at least give the test a shot. A new job is a huge opportunity! And who knows, maybe the machine will malfunction, or the lab tech will feel so bad after seeing your horrifying drug panel results that they’ll fudge the report. Sure it’s unlikely, but hey, you ain’t got no crystal ball!

Here are the best Sublime songs to amp you up as you sit in the waiting room preparing to blow your drug test:

What I Got
No Sublime sesh is complete without this timeless hit on the playlist! Lovin’ is what you got and you can still get high dammit! Who gives a fuck if you get passed on a job that could literally change everything for you? If they need you to go a full two weeks without toking that sweet mother-herb, then it’s not a good fit anyway! They don’t appreciate your process, so fuck ’em.

Garden Grove
If you’ve recently spent any time sticking needles in your arm, living in a tweaker pad, or even getting yelled at by your dad, this mellow jam is a must listen. But be warned: you may nod off in your chair if you get too comfortable while listening to it. That would be embarrassing, and probably get you DQ’ed before you even start peeing in the cup!

What’s their fucking problem anyway? It’s just weed! Well, weed and a little coke, and some molly and tons of pills, but they’re checking for weed? Bogus.

Doin’ Time
Summertiiiiiime and the living’s easy.

Or at least it was easy, before you had to take a bullshit drug test! This funky and fun ballad is quintessential Sublime—the kind of song you can listen to as you roll a fat blunt in the driver’s seat of your rusty 1998 Toyota Camry in the Quest Diagnostics parking lot.

Wrong Way
So you’re not getting this gig, big deal. You know who has REAL problems? Annie, the girl Bradley Nowell made up for this song. Really puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?

Smoke Two Joints
This one is pretty self explanatory. If you smoke two joints in the morning, smoke two joints at night, AND smoke two joints in the afternoon so you’ll feel alright, there is no shot in hell you are passing this drug test. Just sit back, enjoy the song, and maybe start searching Craigslist for jobs that won’t care if you’re high all the time.

Delta Variant Added as Last-Minute Addition to Sold-Out Show

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ATHENS, Ga. — Touring COVID strain Delta Variant surprised showgoers after being added to a sold-out show at local punk venue The Tribune late last night, a rapid number of increasing sources confirmed.

“I heard Delta Variant was in town because my aunt is an ICU nurse, and she said that her hospital is full of patients that have already seen the virus,” said show promoter Ethan Warner. “I knew there was a chance Delta Variant would show up tonight. The show was packed, most people took off their masks before they overheated, and we have no ventilation because all the windows are nailed shut so nobody breaks in and sleeps here. The last time we had anything like this was when we double-booked Swine Flu and Pig Destroyer.”

Local punk Lucas Soto was unhappy to hear that Delta Variant hopped on to the show.

“This piece of shit strain knows that it isn’t welcome in our town. We’ve spent too much time making our venues all-inclusive spaces for people of all races and gender identities, and Delta Variant always seems to latch on to the most vulnerable members of our scenes,” said Soto while trying to suppress a cough. “I think we might need to have some community meetings to try to keep this from happening again. I’m not going to sit back and let infectious diseases continue to abuse people. Once Delta Variant leaves here, it will probably go back down to Florida and continue its reign of terror.”

The Delta Variant admitted it doesn’t care what naysayers think, and that it will continue to show up at live music events.

“If you were me, a virus, you would do the exact same thing I’m doing. You find a place that has a lot of potential hosts, you kick the fucking door in and you go to town on those immune systems,” said the genetic mutation. “The real assholes are the people getting those vaccines and letting so many of my brothers and sisters die. I’m fighting for my fucking life, here! This whole country is so fucked up. No matter how much I try to make myself known, there are still people that don’t believe in me. But I want to thank those haters; you’re only making me work harder. That hate fuels me.”

Delta Variant is planning to continue its world tour and suggested you check out its side project, Long COVID, which is appearing at a drone metal show later today.

Oh Shit: Scientist Just Grabbed Print-out and Ran to Phone

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — Dr. Christine Giles, a scientist at the Global Science Research Institute, just ripped a printing document off an antiquated dot-matrix printer, glanced at the text, then immediately ran to a red telephone, according to concerned sources currently trying to listen in to the phone conversation.

“I know it seems pretty serious,” said Dr. Tracy Meyers as Giles frantically spoke into the phone behind her. “But Christine is way too excitable. She pulls this shit if she gets a report that there’s like, a wild bear spotted in a Chicago suburb, or if Taco Bell pulls potatoes from their menu again. I know for a fact that she’s been written up for false alarms at least once before. She needs to learn how to actually judge if something is important enough to justify the red phone.”

“Seriously, there’s a chart by the red phone that we specifically ordered to calm her down,” Dr. Meyers continued. “It breaks down ‘local emergency’ to ‘Omega Event’ so you can make a good decision.”

Toby Howlosky, a fifth-grader from nearby Ross Elementary School who was visiting the laboratory on a school trip, disagreed with Dr. Meyers.

“I’ve been bored out of my fucking mind all day. This place doesn’t have any dinosaur bones, or weird goop for us to stick our hands in. I only saw something cool when I walked through some doors that said ‘No Entry,’” Howlosky said after wandering from the group and tapping on a beaker filled with an unknown fluid. “I saw that science lady grab something off an old-ass printer, whisper ‘my god’ and that’s how I knew some shit was about to go down. I hope it’s like some ‘Tomorrow War’ type stuff or something. It would be sweet if the whole place got locked down. I’d be fine, I brought like five pounds of candy with me.”

Gail Patrick, an expert in laboratory protocol, was inclined to agree with the fifth-grader.

“Scientists never run; they got into science to avoid running. So if this happens, you know it’s bad news,” Patrick said while a television behind her unexpectedly cut to an emergency station. “While Dr. Giles might be prone to falsely reporting emergencies, like they say, a broken clock is right twice a day. And she was already right about that incident in 2004 when she ran into a meeting of the Board of Chiefs and screamed ‘they’re coming!’ before being restrained.”

As of press time, the President of the United States was entering in the classified code that would reactivate Special Agent Zero.

We Taste-Tested These White Wines and Now We’re Better Than You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Power to the people! ACAB! Eat the rich! That’s what we would have told you 30 minutes ago, but we just taste-tested some white wines and now we’re plain ol’ better than you. Lick our boots, peon, while we indulge in a smorgasbord of the finest whites this Sheetz has to offer.

There is perhaps no greater sign of sophistication in modern society than an appreciation for white wine. But how do you know if you’re drinking the rankest cat piss they can legally bottle, or a fine, crisp beverage suitable for a day punting on the Thames? In the interest of both culture and science, we taste-tested the following white wines to find out, but all we discovered was that we’re better than you.

Sheetz Les Belles Vignes Sauvignon Blanc: At first, we were like, “What’s the cheapest with the highest alcohol content?” After finding a $5 bottle that was 26% that changed to, “Sheetz made a fucking wine?” But after a few sips, we felt something… enlightening. It’s making us want to use terms like “bright” and “oaky” but mostly we’re just wondering why we devalue ourselves by hanging out with you. No offense, but now you seem a bit callow and homespun.

Cupcake Pinot Grigio: When we got this bottle, the cupcake seemed cute and reminded us to pick up some Hostess Sno Balls in the next aisle over. Now that we’ve had a few glasses, we see how jejune it is to select one’s refreshment based on a cartoon label. It’s the kind of thing we’d expect from you, frankly. Fortunately, this wine-tasting has helped us to learn that it’s a perfectly fine thing to accept the flaws of one’s social inferiors and even tolerate their company for short periods of time.

Lisboa Vinho Verde: Ah, Lisbon. Have you ever been? Oh, you simply must. Actually, no. You should probably stay at home with your Oreos and your PlayStations. That would suit you. Leave us to our memories of the Lisboetas dancing in the square.

Weinhenst Riesling: The simple refreshing pleasure of the humble Riesling, gentlest and warmest of the dessert wines. We’d love to teach you more about it, but we have these tickets to “Die Fledermaus” at the Met and must be on our way. Hand us our top hats, would you? Make haste, and there may be a shiny farthing in it for you!

Agro de Pezeren Bazán Verdequito Albariño (1997): You’ll never have even heard of this, you knave. Now get out of our way, lest we strike you with our walking sticks. To the opera! And more white wine! And fuck you!

Metalhead Hospitalized for Nerve Damage in Neck Just From Thinking About Corrosion of Conformity Reissue

Posted on by Heather Cook

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local metalhead Damien Walsh is recovering at the Holly Hill Hospital after suffering severe nerve damage in his neck from visualizing himself ferociously headbanging to Corrosion of Conformity’s reissue of “Blind,” sources confirmed.

“When I heard Corrosion of Conformity was finally repressing ‘Blind,’ I couldn’t stop imagining myself doing rapid-fire figure eights,” said Walsh while a nurse adjusted his neck brace. “The next thing I know, there’s a searing pain in my neck like I just headbanged myself into total whiplash, but I didn’t even move a muscle. Even my arms are a little tender from picturing myself throwing up horns non-stop while those bass lines rip through my core. If my body can be in this much pain just from thinking about the record, then I can only imagine that I’ll absolutely die when that sucker is officially released.”

Walsh’s son, Alex Walsh, allegedly had to spring into action after realizing his father was in need of medical attention.

“When a blood curdling scream erupted from my Dad’s bedroom followed by the thud of his body hitting the floor, I thought maybe he fainted because he read that Slayer was already reuniting or something,” said the younger Walsh. “I knew what was wrong almost immediately. I told him he’s too old to be thinking about headbanging like that. His body might have been able to handle the hype in the ‘80s, but now that old goat pulls a muscle just from humming ‘Vote with a Bullet.’”

According to a medical expert at Holly Hill Hospital, Dr. Lydia Knight, this disorder is rare but not abnormal amongst the aging metal community.

“We call this condition Imaginative Cervical Radiculopathy, and it’s not uncommon during major metal album releases in quarantine,” said Knight. “The patient has so much pent up energy from not being able to release it in the pit that the emotional intensity is enough to manifest itself into a vicious bangover. I’ve seen similar cases amongst other scenes, like ska punks suffering from tendonitis after restlessly envisioning themselves skanking.”

At press time, Corrosion of Conformity’s PR representative was heard begging Walsh not to imagine himself in a wall of death or it might actually kill him.

/**/

Opinion: I Love Graffiti but Only in Neighborhoods I Don’t Live In

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Graffiti is art. Period. It’s a wonderful form of creative expression that brings much needed life to the sterile walls and boring blocks of apartments that can make urban living so monotonous. Ya know, as long as it’s nowhere near the three-story brownstone I just bought with my parent’s hard-earned money.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to wake up one morning and find a genuine Banksy spray painted on my front door. That would probably double the value of my house! I’d even be okay with discovering an original Keith Haring mural under the wallpaper in my kitchen during a renovation, like those lucky bastards did in Tribeca. That would be epic. But if I ever catch some commoner scribbling illegible letters onto the bus stop terminal down the street, ooh boy. Now, I’m not claiming to be some tough guy, but when I’m absolutely forced to I will not hesitate to call 911.

That said, if I later found out they’re verified on TikTok, perhaps I’d pay their bail. But only if they swore to do a custom commission on the side of my second home that complies with the strict regulations of my HOA.

Just to clarify, I’m not some typical stuck up gentrifier with a trust fund and a Tesla. I drive a Nissan Leaf. But I’m also something of a graffiti artist, myself. I used to make custom stickers and put them on the back of stop signs near every Whole Foods in Manhattan. They said “Give Peas A Chance” with a cute graphic of baby vegetables holding hands. Tragically, my career as a guerrilla visual artist was cut short when a security guard caught me and said I could face a small fine if I didn’t remove my stickers.

After apologizing profusely, I took home a valuable lesson. Graffiti is beautiful and should be celebrated by all who can monetize it. Otherwise, it’s purely vandalism and has no place near my properties.

Original Misfits Reunite to Perform Temper Tantrum at Costco

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Fans of the Misfits were thrilled yesterday as the original lineup of the highly influential punk band reunited to verbally harass a manager at a local Costco, confused shoppers confirmed.

“I couldn’t believe it. I’m just grocery shopping, and then suddenly there’s Danzig laying into this poor guy about how he’s not a sheep and won’t wear the mask. It was amazing,” said Misfits fan Phoebe Cook, who was present for the spontaneous reunion. “Before I could even snap a picture, Jerry Only was in the mix, complaining about his debit card getting declined. And then maybe I should play the lotto today, because I’ll be goddamned if Doyle didn’t show up a second later screaming about the bad wheel on his shopping cart. It was insane. I didn’t make it to Chicago to see them at Riot Fest, but at least I got to see them all yell at the Costco worker today.”

Glenn Danzig, frontman for the iconic band, addressed the rumors that this was a planned event.

“This was just a spur-of-the-moment thing,” said Danzig while loading a 500-ounce box of Franken Berry into a custom Scion. “Yeah, it felt great to all be together again, really bringing down the house, but by no means are we taking this act on the road. There are plenty of Costcos, or even Sam’s Clubs, that would love to have us come and make their store greeter cry. But no, I need to focus on my next project. My Elvis covers album was such a hit that I decided to start writing original Elvis songs and performing them as the King himself.”

The Costco employee tasked with getting the Misfits to leave the store confirmed that the unit had an undeniable rapport.

“I’ve escorted a lot of angry men from this store, but these guys were something different,” said Don Gilbert, a 21-year-old completely unfamiliar with the band. “They really had great chemistry. Their complaints were similar to so many complaints I’ve heard before, but they just brought such passion and personality to them. I did see some infighting when they were in the parking lot; the short one kept saying the tall, ghoulish looking dude still owes him a Subway sandwich, but I left them to settle it on their own. I clock out of here in 10 minutes.”

As of press time, Michale Graves was spotted at the Costco asking for a job application.