BOSTON — A local straight edge man battling cancer admitted his biggest regret in life was how infrequently he knocked alcoholic drinks out of unsuspecting people’s hands at bars or parties, X’d up sources confirmed.
“When I look back on my life I have a lot of great memories. I moshed a lot, I cut a lot of camo pants into shorts, and I can’t tell you how many times I just sat around with the boys doing absolutely nothing. Those were some of the best days of my life,” said 32-year-old Danny Sullivan. “But if I could do it all again I’d make sure I carved out more time to knock beers onto the floor. Too often I would just let people drink and mind their own business, and I hate myself for that. I should have forced my beliefs onto them more and then tried to fight them.”
Friends of Sullivan say he is being way too hard on himself and should be at peace with his decisions.
“I know where Danny is coming from. We all wish we could go back in time and slash the tires of a Budweiser truck so it couldn’t deliver its poison, but for every beer he didn’t slap there was a pack of cigarettes he crushed, or a joint he smacked into the gutter,” said fellow straight edge friend Matt Finch. “This just makes me want to be twice as militant in his honor. Not only will I smack beers out of hands, but I’ll also smack every coffee I see. Caffeine is one of the most abused drugs there is, look it up.”
Sullivan’s doctors were hopeful about their treatment plan for the young man, but were immediately stonewalled when presenting him with options.
“His cancer is very treatable. I suggest a non-invasive treatment that included some pills which have a great rate of success and he punched my clipboard across the room, grabbed me by my jacket and told me if I ever push drugs on him again I’ll have to get used to swallowing my teeth,” said lead oncologist Donovan Klein. “Everyone has a unique way of coping with a diagnosis like this, but I’ve never had someone physically assault me and then give me a 45-minute lecture on ‘conviction.’”
Sullivan’s last will and testament stipulates that if his dead body is treated with formaldehyde he will be waiting in the next life with a pool cue to beat the shit out of everyone who allowed it to happen.