Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Report: Copies of Zine Still Available

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Danny Taverner

NORFOLK — A recent report found that copies of the photo zine, Put It All On Red, are still available despite initial claims 18 months ago that the print run would sell out in a matter of minutes.

“We were originally only going to print like 50 copies but I accidentally added another zero when I sent the files to the printer,” said publisher of the zine, Dean Weems. “I tried lowering the price, offering bulk pricing, I even signed a couple copies, but it didn’t boost sales at all. We didn’t even come close to getting rid of the original 50, so this is really just a huge fuck up on my part. I really need this issue to sell because I was planning on financing the next two issues with the profits.”

The zine, which features 35mm photographs from Weems’ family vacation to Atlantic City, has had very little success selling on his web store. However, a recent zine fair where Weems rented a table has helped move some of his product.

“The only reason I bought a copy was because Dean had a stack of singles and I needed change for a $20 to catch the bus home,” said John Boosie. “I haven’t really checked it out yet. He gave me four copies for the price of one. This paper is pretty glossy so I might use a few of them as coasters in my new apartment.”

Despite the small increase in sales at the zine fair, the project has proved to be a money pit for investors.

“I told him I’d give him $100 if he cleaned out the garage, and he kept going on and on about needing money for some book he’s making,” said Weems’ mother and the zine’s key investor, Cindy Weems, who was furious to see what her money had gotten her. “Then he had the nerve to ask for $300 more and didn’t even offer me a free copy. He made me pay $10 for blurry photos of me and my husband at the craps table.”

A box of zines thought to have been sold was found in the trunk of Weems’ 2003 Volkswagen Jetta, bringing the total number of copies available to 473.

Masked Woman at Concert Relieved She Doesn’t Have to Pretend to Know The Words

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Heather Cook

NEW YORK — Masked poser Cecilia Munoz was relieved she didn’t have to pretend to know the words at a recent Turnstile show last Thursday evening.

“It’s such a relief that I don’t have to try and impress the people around me by pretending to know the words to these songs,” said Munoz as she made her way out of a circle pit. “Before wearing masks, I perfected the art of pretending to mouth along to the lyrics by just sort of opening and closing my mouth like when a fish lets out air or whatever. But now, all I have to do is sort of lightly bounce up and down to let people assume I know the words. It opens up a whole world of bands I can pretend to know the words to. I honestly don’t think I’ll go to a show without one ever again.”

“Plus, the mask doesn’t just protect me from being found out, it keeps those around me safe from guys insisting that I list a band’s early stuff,” she added.

Munoz’s girlfriend, Ember Hyland, is not easily fooled by Munoz’s masked cover up.

“Even with the mask on it’s obvious to me that she’s not actually singing along,” said Hyland. “I’m standing right next to her at the show so I can hear that she’s just mumbling nonsense under her mask. But she wears one of those super fluffy N95 masks so I guess there’s really no way of knowing for sure.”

Event organizer Trish Moreau reported an increasing number of posers infiltrating shows in recent months.

“Hardly anyone is even singing along anymore,” said Moreau. “Last night someone in a Ben Folds Five T-shirt jumped on the stage at Candy to crowd surf. You think that guy is an actual fan? No way. But we’ll never have a way of knowing if he was actually singing the words to ‘Human Target’ since his mask was on. It’s a huge win for the posers but makes for an eerily quiet concert.”

At press time, reporters urged Munoz to stop mumbling when they asked her whether she was singing along to the songs or not, but she just kept pretending to answer the question.

You Kids Wanna See a Better Dead Body?

Posted on October 20, 2021 by James Knapp

Hey there, little fellas. Remember me? Creaky Jed who lives in a stump by the abandoned post office? I’ve been watching you and I know you’ve been poking at that dead body on the top of the water tower. And yeah, I guess that corpse is cool and all. If you’re into mediocre corpses, I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I know about an even better, more obscure corpse that you’ve probably never even heard of.

You really gotta see this thing. If it ever was human at one point you sure wouldn’t be able to tell that now. The first time I saw it I thought it was an old duffel bag filled with ravioli and mop heads. And that was before the raccoons got at it. Oh boy, did they do a number on what used to be that guy’s face.

Oh, and the blood is just everywhere. I’m talking all over the walls. On the ceiling. Hell, I have some in my shoe right now. It’s insane! Regular dead bodies don’t have nearly this much blood. It’s like somebody shived the Kool-Aid man and then jumped up and down on him. What happens when you poke this dead guy? Nothing. Well, poking the dead guy I know about is like a gory chicken kiev.

And this body definitely died an unimaginably brutal death. I’m not sure what kind of Texas chainsaw mafia would want someone to die like that but it’s pretty clear that this corpse suffered for a long time. And here’s the best part: I’m not even sure it’s all the way dead!

I mean, it’s definitely not alive in any conventional sense. But when you look at it sometimes you get this weird feeling it’s looking back at you. Not with eyes. No, those are long gone.

So what do you say, kids? Wanna go check out the Mona Lisa of corpses? It’s just over in that abandoned garage that always has a bunch of stray dogs nosing around it. By the way, none of your parents are cops, right?

Nardwuar Surprises Artist with Knife In Between Their Third and Fourth Ribs

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Camden Brazile

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Popular internet personality and self-described “human serviette” Nardwuar shocked artist Josh Augustin of the indie band Vansire with an incredibly personal and astonishing present: a knife in between his third and forth ribs.

“I was totally blind-sided. I had no idea he was going to do that,” Augustin said from the Intensive Care Unit at Ontario National Hospital. “He clearly did his research if he knew that I was weak to being stabbed in the abdomen. I have no idea how he knew that! I knew Nardwuar learns a lot about an artist’s likes and strengths, so it only makes sense that he learns all of their fears and weaknesses too. When I cried out asking him why he did this, he just replied ‘you’re Josh Augustin, we have to.’ While I’m impressed with his interviewing skills, I’m just worried that he’ll come back and finish what he started.”

The Human Serviette gave his side of the controversial story.

“I really love to get to know my victims, I mean interviewees,” Nardwuar said. “Every once and a while I have to mix things up. People have begun to expect that I give them esoteric vinyl records or unique posters and CDs, but nobody expects me to rupture their lungs and leave them choking on their own blood until they pass out on the pavement. Based on my intense research I did on the human body, I knew that stabbing him there would kill him. Little does he know, that knife played an integral role in the life of one of his favorite Canadian musicians. I even let him keep the knife!”

Ontario Police Chief Bill Perlman weighed in on the situation.

“We’ve been looking for this Nardwuar character for some time, but he keeps evading us,” Chief Perlman said. “He’s done so much research about our department that he knows exactly where we’re going to be. For those of us that do manage to track him down, he recites the names and locations of our family members, loved ones, grade four teachers, and a personal anecdote or two about what we like to order at Spaghetti Factory and we’re forced to back off.”

At press time, Augustin’s last recorded words were an enthusiastic yet quickly fading “Doot doo.”

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.

Opinion: If You Don’t Appreciate Elvis Costello on the Same Level as Me, I Can’t Go On Being Your Waiter

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Listen, we both know there’s a…distance between us. I’ve felt it, and I’m sure you have too. We’re growing further apart every moment and we need to talk. Just so I’m clear, that distance is your lack of understanding that Armed Forces is not just the highlight of Elvis Costello’s early career, but the highlight of his career, period. If you can’t get that, I can’t go on being your server at this Chili’s.

This isn’t easy for me, either. Since you walked in this Chili’s around 7pm and the hostess Jenna directed you to my section, even though I’ve been in the weeds since happy hour and that Terry’s section is nearly empty, you’ve been my table. It’s been our table. But when I look at you, I find it difficult to get past the fact that you seem to think 1981’s covers album Almost Blue was a creative misstep rather than a re-framing of American country music in a contemporary setting. It’s just really hard.

How’s that margarita treating you? Everybody good?

We used to be close. Remember? When you made that joke about finding your Southern Smokehouse Burger just past the french fries on your plate? Remember how I rattled off all the options on our classic “3 for $10” special and you all nodded and said that “sounds good,” even though that means nothing? Remember how “Pump It Up” came on the restaurant sound system and you almost knew the words? Those were good times.

But the simple fact of things is that the course of the evening here at Chili’s has shown me that you aren’t real Elvis Costello fans. You seem to know nothing of the intricacies of his collaborations with legendary songwriter Burt Bacharach. You have that blank stare when I described the tense, even combative relationship Elvis had with his longtime backing band, the Attractions. That stare is how I know you’re not really paying attention to me. Or to Elvis Costello. Or to what it means to dine at a Chili’s.

It’s just starting to feel a little one-sided. I went ahead and got you that extra ranch for your fries, but have you named a single deep cut from “Blood and Chocolate?” No, you haven’t, and “I Want You”… to show a little more effort.

I don’t want this to end. We had a good thing going, but you need to get your act together and behave as though you know something about the chameleon-like British singer-songwriter’s legendary career, for once in this whole evening.

Now, who’s got room for dessert?

Man Only Believes News He Made Up

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Ken Taro

DETROIT – Local skeptic and conspiracy theorist Todd Griffin went on a multi-platform social media tirade and declared he has had enough with biased media sources and will only trust himself from now on, biased media sources confirmed.

“I hear so much bullshit everywhere that I have to take things into my own hands,” huffed Griffin. “My gut is never wrong. Just the other day, the Weather Channel said there would be a 55 percent chance of rain. But I knew it would stay dry and just be sort of cloudy. Lo and behold, I was right. How can I trust the so-called ‘experts’ when they prove me wrong time after time. Now, I’ve had to take things into my own hands. I’m done with it all. No more news anchors trying to scare me. It’s time for me to start scaring myself. I don’t have any proof that Antifa is the reason my wife left me, but it’s what I choose to believe and maybe the mainstream media will start covering that.”

Griffin’s mother Alina claimed that her son has always had difficulty believing anyone, including his parents.

“When I told him that Santa wasn’t real, he cried and screamed that he would have to do his own ‘research’ to dig up the truth,” sighed Alice. “Even with the facts staring him right in the face, he refused to accept them. That was the first time I heard him call something a conspiracy. To prove to him that Santa wasn’t real, we stayed up all Christmas Eve with our eyes each focused on the fireplace. The only thing that came down the chimney that night was a squirrel trying to stay warm. Todd told me that Santa didn’t show because the Soviets shot down his sleigh somewhere over Siberia and they were working on a cover up now. He still brings it up.”

Dr. Diego Lopez, a professor of communications at Eastern Vermont State University, has an upcoming book that discusses this phenomenon.

“There is an epidemic of what I call Fake News Syndrome,” explained Dr. Lopez. “Despite studies continually proving the neutrality of media outlets such as the Associated Press and Reuters, there are so many people who only get their news from Facebook memes. I thought tabloid rags such as the National Enquirer were bad until I saw a Facebook group called Pattriot News Network with more than 1.2 million followers. And that is not a typo. It was actually Pattriot. Their top story claimed that men who ate sushi would become mermaids and have to eat their own penises.”

At press time, Griffin urged readers to skip this article, or any articles anywhere for that matter, and read the ‘real news’ at his website www.toddgriffinisthetruth.com instead.

How To Get Laid Even Though You Cover Your Ears When an Ambulance Goes By

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Dom Turek

Sex is one of life’s most satisfying natural pleasures and the ultimate expression of physical intimacy. It is a cornerstone of the human experience. So why should you miss out on it just because you drop to the ground and cover your ears anytime an ambulance goes by? Fortunately, we’re here to help erase the stigma and get your sensory-sensitive ass laid.

First off, can we all simply agree that ambulances are loud? And at a whopping 120 decibels, which is loud enough to cause permanent damage to someone’s hearing, one begins to wonder if this life-saving service is even worth it. I understand that EMS is just doing their job, but does saving people have to be so loud?

If not wanting to be slowly driven insane by noise-induced tinnitus makes us unfuckable, then I guess we’re unfuckable. I just don’t get what’s so libido crushing about a grown man who gets the ouchies from the sounds of everyday traffic, and neither should the world or your date.

I can’t tell you how many dates have ended abruptly after the noise of a passing ambulance or subway car forces me to jam my fingers in my ears and yell “la-la-la!” Oh, but when I start telling you all the twists in Squid Game and you do the exact same thing, I’m still the bad guy who goes home to sleep alone.

However, there will come a time when the desire to get laid supersedes the desire to hear. This is when I stock up on commercial earplugs, fleece headbands, snug-fitting hats, bike helmets, and anything else that offers some padding to the ears and leaves you hands-free to unhook some brassieres.

You’d think wearing earmuffs and a bandana at the same time would detract from your sex appeal—and it does—just not as much as needing my date to tell me when the scary noises have passed and it’s safe for me to un-fetal my body.

Strutting down the street in a motorcycle helmet will transform you into the cool and caustic bad boy all women want while also canceling out 40 percent of noise emissions. She’ll be none the wiser as long as you manage to dodge any questions about motorcycles, which should be easy considering you won’t be able to hear a word she’s saying.

Report: This is the Good Part, Shut Up, Shut Up

Posted on October 19, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — A report recently issued by the Library of Congress has stated that this right here is the good part of the song, shut up, shut up, you’re talking over it.

“After three years of exhaustive research,” Dr. Alan Takanawa, lead researcher on the project, stated at a press conference while also cranking up the volume. “We’ve conclusively determined that this is the part of the song where it gets really fucking good, so everybody just shut up for a second and listen. Damn, can you hear that? That fucking gets us going every time, even in double-blind studies.”

“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Takanawa added while closing his eyes and nodding.

However, the report is not without critics. Professor Jennifer Hisler of MIT had a firm rebuttal.

“I respect Dr. Takanawa and his team, as well as the effort that went into the report on this jam — that part was technically fine, and not bad, but it just didn’t really do it for us,” Professor Hisler said. “Their conclusions are objectively incorrect and, I would dare say, show multiple signs of implicit bias. Like did they not hear this other part of the song? This is where it really fucking breaks down. When we were doing our own study, we could barely believe how hard this other part rocks. Shut up, this part right now.”

Teddy Potsko, a longtime fan of the song and the scientific method in general, believes that both Dr. Takanawa and Professor Hisler were missing the point.

“The fact is, science is an ever-evolving series of conclusions,” Potsko said while hitting a bong in preparation for the song. “One set of data might lead you to one part of the song, while results accumulated from another set of circumstances and contexts would lead to a completely different one. In many ways, for all of our attempts to quantify what is the good part, we’re all blind men in a valley of darkness, trying to describe colors to each other. Anyway, check out this part, it fucking rocks. The whole thing fucking rocks, man.”

As of press time, dammit, shut up, go back, back, listen to that double bass pedal action, man.

Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84

Posted on October 18, 2021 by Dianne Nora

TALLAHASSEE — Vocal critic of vaccine mandates Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age, according to sources who saw Fischer’s post.

“This is exactly what the fascist, pharma-loving socialists want the vaccines to do to conservatives,” Fischer wrote, reportedly logging onto the social media site from his phone while simultaneously conducting independent research on Reddit and pooping. “Last time I checked, Colin Powell was healthy and in his 60s, maybe early 70s. How could he be in the military if he’s allegedly old and sick? Suddenly he’s 84, has cancer, and the ‘rona? If this is what the vaccine can do to someone as healthy as him, I don’t even want to know what it could do to a normal guy like me.”

Friends who share Fischer’s political inclination reportedly commented on his post in enthusiastic agreement.

“I thought the vaccine would just basically do nothing, since famous people who’ve gotten it keep getting these breakthrough cases, but now I think maybe it’s actually designed to make strong men into these pussy beta-cucks,” commented Justin Arellano, a former colleague of Fischer’s. “I mean, think about it: Colin Powell’s like this badass army General, and suddenly he dies of COVID, and voted against Trump? It’s clear the government is putting something in the vaccine to make alphas so weak that they rely on these government handouts [sic]. Nicki Minaj tried to warn us!”

Fox News anchor John Roberts also took to social media to cite Powell’s death as evidence of the vaccines’ lack of efficacy.

“The fact that Colin Powell died from a breakthrough COVID infection raises new concerns about how effective vaccines are long-term,” Roberts tweeted, leading to immediate criticism from medical experts. “These Democrats that want to control your body and force you to get a vaccine will say that Powell’s death may have been more likely due to his cancer or his advanced age, but Americans know that to really keep their families safe from COVID, the best thing they can do is to tune into Fox News every night. I’m no fancy doctor, but I’d go so far as to say it’s safest to just leave Fox News on all day.”

At press time, Fischer had posted on Facebook again, inquiring if any of his friends had some horse dewormer he could buy in case of emergency.

Kid Catches Up on The Sopranos by Watching Italian Friend’s Parents Fight

Posted on October 18, 2021 by Jonah Nink

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Middle-schooler Gavin Dirnt caught up on the beloved HBO series “The Sopranos” by watching his Italian friend’s parents fight over the proper thickness of deli meat, entertainment sources reported.

“My mom age-locked everything not in the HBO Max kids section so I can’t watch ‘The Sopranos’ and that’s a bummer because I’ve really wanted to watch that new movie,” said Dirnt. “Luckily my Italian friend Ronnie’s parents get into a huge fight every time they drive us home from soccer practice. From what I’ve seen, Italian people screaming at each other makes up about 90% of the show, so everyday this week I’ve just parked myself on their plastic-lined couch under the picture of Padre Pio and listened to them duke it out. Ronnie’s parents don’t even notice me, and my parents couldn’t care less so long as I get my homework done.”

Dirnt’s friend Ronnie Sprigatello had never realized how closely his family resembled “The Sopranos” cast until Dirnt pointed it out.

“At first I told Gavin to just borrow our ‘Sopranos’ DVD box set. We’re Italian so of course we have like, three already,” said Sprigatello. “But instead he comes to my house with a notepad and a bag of goldfish crackers and studies my parents as they fight over baked ziti, track suits, and slicked back hair. Then there’s all of my extended family that come in and out of my house to yell at my mom and call my dad fat. My family isn’t in the mob, but it is a weird coincidence that I’ve got like eight cousins named Vito.”

Sprigatello’s father and family patriarch Tommy Sprigatello has yet to notice Dirnt watching him.

“Gavin’s a good kid, I wish he’d come over more, unlike that rat bastard 10-year old from next door Donnie,” said Sprigatello. “Have I seen ‘The Sopranos?’ Of course I have, but It’s not realistic. They’re all fucking hysterics. Every episode it’s bitch bitch bitch. Do the writers think all Italians are just whiny calzones with legs? Besides, my therapist wouldn’t talk to me like that.”

Dirnt returned the favor by letting Sprigatello catch up on “True Detective” by watching his cop dad get day drunk.

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