Are you ready to be devastated by the ravages of time? I mean just completely gutted, like looking at the palms of your hands and…
NEW YORK — Local 36-year-old loser Ryan Buttermyer reportedly maintained a heroic ten-minute wait period before confirming he’d be at a party, despite having absolutely…
HOUSTON — Local Make-A-Wish kid Harvey Larkin, who has a rare degenerative disease that will certainly put an end to his short, unfulfilled life, realized…
SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Overconfident white guy Randall Weiss, who frequently proclaims his “life is a movie,” is reportedly ignorant to the fact that said…
BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed…
Hey, look at this crowd of people outside the venue next to the band’s idling tour bus. It’s been more than half an hour since…
Steve Carrington’s Canadian girlfriend. We’ve all heard this stuff before, but it’s so incredibly unbelievable that I genuinely thought Steve was joking for like a…
It’s important to approach online bullying and harassment over social media with a mind like your mom’s legs — open. Verbal abuse on the Internet…
College. These are the good ol’ days if you were a loser in high school and then continued being a loser after college. There’s so…
When Stephanie McKinley called me an ugly big-nosed freak in 9th grade, I knew I was destined for great things. Who knows where I would…
BOSTON — Local ray of sunshine Sarah Bootley openly and unashamedly enjoyed Naval Tomb’s show from the front row last night, sources who wished she’d…
I don’t want to be overly judgmental of anyone, but let’s be honest, if you like our shitty local band then you’re a goddamn loser.…
Look, I’m not a fool. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Joe Biden is a catch in his current state. He…
JESSUP, Md. — Depressed, despondent millennial Harry Chalke confused those around him when he unwittingly quoted Beck’s “Loser” while summarizing his current state of mental…