PROVO, Utah — Local man Adam Kerman was excited to learn that he’s basically the next Elvis Presley if you discount everything but the fact that he abuses Adderall on the toilet in much the same manner as the late superstar, sources report.
“It’s awesome that I’m essentially the next Memphis Flash,” Kerman muttered erratically as he ground his teeth. “I never thought of myself as musically talented, but I guess this flies in the face of everyone in my life who called me a shiftless layabout who will never amount to anything. I’d like to see them shaking their hips on the Ed Sullivan Show or, in my case, blowing a rail of ground-up Adderall while sitting on the shitter instead of going to the dishwashing interview at the Olive Garden that their dads arranged for them. It’s going to feel pretty good when they apologize to me.”
Kerman’s friend Ron Wentzel reacted to the news.
“I guess Adam really is the next Hillbilly Cat,” Wentzel stated. “And honestly, my parents should stop being so concerned about the fact that I spend all of my time doing drugs with him instead of re-enrolling in college or getting a job. I mean, I doubt the people who were hanging around Elvis had people in their lives who were worried about them. I think I’m going to see if Adam still has some Adderall left so I can sit on the toilet and honk it up my nose just like Elvis. It’s about time I did something with my life, so I’m lucky to have a close friend who inspires me.”
Pop culture historian Micah Herald provided her expertise on the matter.
“Many people don’t realize just how much in common they have with their favorite rock stars,” Herald said. “I recently met with a man who’s basically the next Jimi Hendrix if you only count the vomiting in his sleep after drinking too much part, and the next Vince Neil in Southern California recently killed a passenger in his car after drunkenly careening his mid-engine sports car into oncoming traffic. These people’s loved ones need to chill out and let them do their thing, because they’re basically rock gods whose genius needs to be respected instead of called into question.”
At press time, the future King of Rock ‘n’ Roll was seen bringing a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich into the bathroom.
