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How To Get Laid Even Though You Cover Your Ears When an Ambulance Goes By

Sex is one of life’s most satisfying natural pleasures and the ultimate expression of physical intimacy. It is a cornerstone of the human experience. So why should you miss out on it just because you drop to the ground and cover your ears anytime an ambulance goes by? Fortunately, we’re here to help erase the stigma and get your sensory-sensitive ass laid.

First off, can we all simply agree that ambulances are loud? And at a whopping 120 decibels, which is loud enough to cause permanent damage to someone’s hearing, one begins to wonder if this life-saving service is even worth it. I understand that EMS is just doing their job, but does saving people have to be so loud?

If not wanting to be slowly driven insane by noise-induced tinnitus makes us unfuckable, then I guess we’re unfuckable. I just don’t get what’s so libido crushing about a grown man who gets the ouchies from the sounds of everyday traffic, and neither should the world or your date.

I can’t tell you how many dates have ended abruptly after the noise of a passing ambulance or subway car forces me to jam my fingers in my ears and yell “la-la-la!” Oh, but when I start telling you all the twists in Squid Game and you do the exact same thing, I’m still the bad guy who goes home to sleep alone.

However, there will come a time when the desire to get laid supersedes the desire to hear. This is when I stock up on commercial earplugs, fleece headbands, snug-fitting hats, bike helmets, and anything else that offers some padding to the ears and leaves you hands-free to unhook some brassieres.

You’d think wearing earmuffs and a bandana at the same time would detract from your sex appeal—and it does—just not as much as needing my date to tell me when the scary noises have passed and it’s safe for me to un-fetal my body.

Strutting down the street in a motorcycle helmet will transform you into the cool and caustic bad boy all women want while also canceling out 40 percent of noise emissions. She’ll be none the wiser as long as you manage to dodge any questions about motorcycles, which should be easy considering you won’t be able to hear a word she’s saying.