Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

TRUTH Social User Data Comes Pre-Hacked

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Goodrich Gevaart

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Users signing up for TRUTH Social, the social media platform started by former President Donald J. Trump, will not only be able to stand up to tyranny, but will have their data hacked before they finish setting up a profile, confirmed sources with ties to the new platform.

“TRUTH is going to be so sophisticated, truly, the top of the line in social media, bigly hacked, before the information has even made it onto our site,” Trump said, speaking at a rally celebrating the TRUTH launch. “Investors are interested, they’re showing a great deal of interest, from the classiest places across the world: Russia, Ukraine, and even Russia. It’s drawing a great deal of international investment, because we do the work of hacking the data for them. And when you’re the President, the users just let you do it.”

Alexander Dunne, one of the lead engineers behind the new platform, said he hoped the pre-hacked data would give TRUTH a competitive edge among social media sites.

“It’s really hard to compete with the social media giants, particularly Facebook, because so many users already expect them to act wildly irresponsibly with their data,” said Dunne from a country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. “But sites like Parler were only going halfway. With TRUTH, we’ll not only hack the users’ data and sell it to private interests before they even log in, we’ll also be feeding them a constant feed of alternate truths directly from President Trump himself. It’s like a one-stop-shop: users can get native advertising for supplements based on symptoms they googled, while they’re being convinced a local business is being run by a cabal of sex-trafficking pedophiles.”

Marjorie Brandson, an analyst who focuses on trends in digital tech, was optimistic about TRUTH’s future.

“Pre-hacking data is the sort of market disruption that the tech industry is constantly clamoring for, particularly in the social media sector. Our data shows that American conservatives love portraying themselves as victims in systems they perpetuate, so allowing them to sign over all their data only to have it used to manipulate them and sell them products they don’t need could be a major boon for all parties. And that’s not an anecdotal observation—I actually used all their Cambridge Analytica data to form my analyses to begin with,” Brandson said.

At press time, Trump was awaiting former First Lady Melania Trump’s response to his TRUTH friend request.

Nice! One Guitar Is Doing the Chugging Part and One Is Doing the High Pitch Riff Thing!

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Aw hells yeah! That thing I love about metalcore is happening again! It started off with a couple light strums to get me all primed like, ‘Okay, what’s about to happen here?’ Then sure enough, that one crunchy, down-tuned guit starts chugging away like Djun djun fuckin’ djun and that strummy guit from the beginning starts giving me that Ba na na nay na na nay high pitch riff thing! So sick!

I was worried this new album would have all that weird shit like a piano or those computery bleep bloops so the band can say they’re “growing as artists” or whatever, but this album is wall to wall straight fire, bro! A whole lotta chuggy lows and whole lotta screechy highs! Cus you know if it was just the high pitch guitar, it’d be lame-ass old people metal, but if it was just the chugging guitar, it’d be basic-ass high school hardcore! They like need each other!

The Djun djun is the reason I can hold my head high like, ‘Yeah, I like the hard shit’, and even though it’s just palm muting those top two strings over and over, every sick band on every one of their sick songs finds some new way to make it legit. Whether it’s a straight up Djun djun… Djun djun djun djun, or the faster Zi-du-dun, Zi-du-dun djun djun, I can just like feel that shit vibrating in my fucking heart, guy! Like, typing out the sounds does NOT do it justice!

Then you got high-pitch buddy over here basically doing a solo the whole song, but in riff form. Just a master of his instrument, ya know. Always fingering away, giving that high pitch soul to the chugs! That shit is the goosebump maker right there. I get all the feels from that Ba na na nay son of a bitch!

Sometimes you get crazy lucky and they start doing the same riff, but one guy’s hands are like 2 inches apart and one guy’s are like 2 feet apart!

You know the bass is always helping out the djun djun guy. Just beefing it right up. But then, when every song builds to the breakdown… Even high-pitch buddy gets in on the djun djun action! It all comes together when they team up in perfect unison with that kick drum for this punishing wall of chuggery! Like, how is this not everyone’s favorite music?! It’s just too good!

Life-Saving Measures Used on Broken Cigarette

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Dom Turek

LINCOLN, Neb. — A local woman was seen performing life-sustaining measures on her Marlboro Menthol cigarette after finding it barely clinging to life at the bottom of her tote bag, according to witnesses.

“I saw it lying there in a pool of its own tobacco and went into fight or flight mode,” said first responder Jessica Xu. “My first instinct was to bum a cigarette off the bartender or try and convince the bodega guy to sell me a loosie, but I knew I couldn’t let another cigarette die in my care. I tried to suture it with a little saliva, but I’m so dehydrated that my spit ended up making the tear even worse. That’s when I decided to request backup.”

A small group of smokers gathered around Xu offering scotch tape, toilet paper, pen caps, rolling papers, and everything just short of a spare cigarette.

“Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better,” said bystander Dustin Meli, as he tore the filter from Xu’s cigarette, emptied tobacco from the butt, and twisted the two pieces into one another. “This usually works for me, but her cigarette is all wet for some reason. It’s not even raining out. As a smoker of 17 years I wouldn’t say I’m a quitter, but I think it’s time to put this thing out of its misery.”

The crowd dispersed after determining the cigarette would have little to no quality of life if it survived, but Xu continued to toil with the rapidly deteriorating scraps.

“What a way to go,” said the Menthol, looking down at its entrails spilled out along the bottom of Xu’s trashed, free New Yorker tote. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I’m the seventh, maybe even eighth cigarette that’s perished in her bag this month. When will people start investigating? I’m just happy to die with a little dignity and thankful I wasn’t lit backward and thrown into a puddle like the last guy.”

At press time the lifeless cigarette was seen donating its remains to a spliff.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Meet the 4 Original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Whose Strict Adherence to the Bushido Code Was “Too Grisly” for Cartoons

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been a pop culture phenomenon since Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman first debuted them in 1984. From children’s cartoons to Michael Bay movies to your childhood lunchbox, these heroes in a half shell are everywhere! But what a lot of people don’t know is that the Turtles franchise was almost flushed down the drain before it even launched. See, the popular image of the Turtles as pizza-loving party dudes is a far cry from how they were originally pitched. Time to meet the original four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles whose devotion to the warrior code of Bushido was considered “too grisly” for cartoon audiences at the time.

While we all love Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and the lovable goof Michelangelo, here are the four original Ninja Turtles that were just a bit too “cold-blooded” to launch a global children’s brand around:

Boticelli: The eldest of the four turtle brothers, Boticelli tended to assume the role of leadership. In fact, he took his duty as the head of the family so seriously that he demanded absolute fealty and deference from “peasants,” which pretty much meant all New Yorkers. In what would have been the first issue, he decapitated civilians for “insolence,” “rudeness” or simply as a sign of his authority. A little much for a kids’ show!

Caravaggio: This turtle was an early fan favorite, and his comparatively easy-going attitude is generally considered the template for the later surfer-dude turtles. Unfortunately, Caravaggio’s fervent devotion and constant references to the Japanese Shōwa Emperor Hirohito being a living god on Earth simply didn’t translate to the cartoon’s more child-friendly aesthetic.

Tintoretto: Only appearing in two pages of the original comic, Tintoretto failed in a mission against the Foot Clan and committed seppuku as penance.

Norman Rockwell: In theory, this turtle’s devotion to the Bushido tenets of courtesy, tranquility, and harmony with nature should have made him a great role model for children. His intense bigotry towards turtles with any amount of Korean ancestry got him axed.

What a show those four would have made! Any of the original materials featuring them are now considered rare collectibles, especially the animatics for the proposed first episode where the brothers spend 22 minutes graphically torturing Shredder to death. Turtle Power!

Ska Album Played Backward Contains Hidden Satanic Puns

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Bobby Korec

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local ska fan Brian Blum identified several hidden satanic puns while playing Skaranormal Activity’s new record backwards on a turntable in his basement, sources who preferred to take him at his word than see for themselves confirmed.

“There I was casually enjoying ‘Skanking for World Peace’ in reverse when all of a sudden some demonic voice snarled some of the most ominous wordplay I’ve ever heard,” said Blum before taking several minutes to decide whether to go with Van checkerboard shoes or his bowling-inspired footwear for the day. “I mean, I clearly identified an evil presence say, ‘all hail the prince of ska-ness’ and ‘ska ska ska is the number of the beast.’ It freaked me out so much that I turned the album off and burned it in the backyard. I just can’t have nefarious subliminal messages influence me without my knowledge and inadvertently turn me to the dark side of cheesy puns. The demon was a pretty sweet touch though.”

The band was surprised to hear about the alleged messages and claim to have nothing to do with them.

“As the world’s most prolific Christian ska band, we find it offensive that fans would think that we intentionally hid satanic puns on our record,” said Jayne Laughlin, the band’s guitarist, trombonist, and kazoo player. “Especially when you consider that we went out of our way to carefully weave in pro-Jesus ska-related puns throughout the entire album and in the liner notes. Like I always say, the best way to spread the gospel is through the use of clever wordplay. The fact a dark force might be clouding our recordings worries me. On our next album we will double, maybe even triple, our puns praising the lord Jesus Christ.”

Music historians noted there is a long legacy of hidden messaging on albums.

“Just put on any Beatles or Rolling Stones album and you will hear some truly demonic stuff when played in reverse,” said Samantha Greenstine, Professor of Musicology at UCLA. “One day bands will figure out that it’s actually way easier to just put your message right there in the lyrics like Slayer does. Fans typically don’t want to do a lot of heavy lifting trying to figure out whether you’re a bunch a satan-worshippers. Unfortunately, bands like to get cute with their demon-based messaging.”

In related news, Blum noted that a mid-2000s emo record he listened to recently contained hidden misogynist messages when played forwards.

We Watched Mac and Me Every Day for 100 Days and Our Editor Had the Balls To Tell Us “That Wasn’t the Assignment”

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Dan Rice

We’ve all seen bad movies. Some are just plain bad and some are so bad they become good. But then there’s this third category — movies so bad that watching them is an almost transcendental experience. Mac and Me is such a movie and we took it upon ourselves to watch it 100 times in a row, yet all our boss could say was, “You incompetent fucks, you were supposed to investigate human trafficking.”

Apparently going to the bad part of New Mexico and doing “the whole VICE thing” has a lot of different meanings. To my boss it meant dangerous hands-on journalism that exposes crime and makes a difference. To me, it meant doing something hyper-asinine and then being all like, “Hey, I’m awesome.”

Were we sent to New Mexico with a sizeable dossier on suspected sex-trafficking, complete with leads? Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean we can control where the story takes us. This one took us from our motel room beds to our motel room couch where we watched the same bad movie every day for over 3 months.

If my boss doesn’t know how to monetize having someone who’s watched a movie as bad as Mac and Me 100 times in a row, maybe they shouldn’t be working in today’s media landscape to begin with. Fuck these clowns. I’m not apologizing and I’m damn sure reimbursing my expenses! Do you know how much sticky sweet mary ganja you need to smoke in order to make it through 100 viewings of Mac and Me? I don’t have that kind of money! It’s sort of why I took this gig in the first place, chief!

I did those fuckers a favor! Human trafficking is a total bummer! Who wants to click on that? Now, someone doing something really stupid because it’s really stupid… gimmie all of that ya got!

Clearly my boss has never even watched Mac and Me once because if they did they would know how stupid it is and how outrageous I am for doing this crazy shit to myself! Do they even know that we’re dealing with a blatant E.T. rip-off that essentially functions as a giant commercial for Coca Cola and McDonald’s? I highly doubt it.

Okay yeah, I guess if I did my job EXACTLY the way my micromanaging editor wanted me to do it (like I’m supposed to friggin read his mind or something) a lot of bad people would be in jail right now and maybe I could have saved some lives. But by doing things my way, I’m saving way more people from having to see the movie Mac and Me, which is dumb as shit by the way! I should know, I’ve seen it 100 times. DO NOT WATCH IT!

We watched the shit out of this thing, and we did it on drugs, like professional infotainers. You wanna know what kind of messed up shit you’ll come up with when you watch a movie as weird and bad as Mac and Me on peyote with a shaman? I became addicted to pain pills from viewings 37-49 and got sober when I found Christ between viewings 50-67. But hey, I guess that’s not “worth our audience’s time and attention” or whatever.

Look, I’m not trying to say I’m a hero. I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes. Like, this one time, I was supposed to do something that could help a bunch of people and totally bailed to watch a bad movie on drugs. But if you’re reading this and you happen to be someone who was considering watching 1988’s Mac and Me NOT fucked up on drugs, uhm, you’re welcome!

Punk Makes Uneasy Truce With Security Guy as Only Two People Left In Office Building Who Still Smoke

Posted on October 21, 2021 by James Knapp

SPOKANE, Wash. — Office punk Kory Strawser recently formed a tepid peace with the security guard at her day job when both came to the realization that they are the last two employees with ongoing nicotine addictions, sources considering going cold turkey confirmed.

“Man, I fucking hate cops. But I gotta admit, it’s a relief to know there’s always someone around in case I need to bum a Parliament on my afternoon break,” relented Strawser while checking if there were any half-smoked butts left in the ashtray. “Me and that security dude have been at odds since day one when he caught me trying to huff that aerosol duster he uses to clean his computer. So yeah, it’s kinda weird that now he’s borrowing my lighter and asking me if I have any plans this weekend. As if I’d actually tell him. He’s not even a real cop.”

Senior Security Officer Ron Powilinoski described how the truce eventually came to be.

“The world I grew up in is dead. Now it’s like you can’t smoke anywhere anymore. I drank at the same bar every night for forty years until it got bought up by those yuppies who took all the ashtrays off the pool table,” bemoaned a horribly aged Powilinoski. “Now there ain’t nobody else around except this jerkass kid.”

“Suppose it ain’t all bad though,” Powilinoski continued. “She did tell me about this one music band called ‘Dead Kennedys’ and, as someone who has killed both Nazis and hippies, I like the cut of those boys’ jib.”

Office manager DeAnna Krandal detailed the company’s smoking policy.

“We strive to provide a clean and distraction-free work environment for all our employees. If any employees still choose to smoke then they can do it on their own time behind the dumpsters of the Sheridan Hotel next door,” Krandal said. “Frankly, I’d prefer to just fire both of those smokers. I only hired Strawser because I accidentally hit her with my car and this was cheaper than settling in court — and that security guy is like a year away from retirement and you better believe I’m not gonna follow through on that pension I promised him. I swear, I never thought he’d live this long.”

At press time, Strawser came to the sudden realization that Powilinoski bears a striking resemblance to another security guy who confiscated her skateboard three years ago.

5 Romantic Ideas for Revitalizing Your Relationship With the Babadook

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

As Damon Albarn once sang, love is the greatest thing. But there comes a time in any relationship when you have to admit that things have stagnated. Stall. Dull. But fortunately, any relationship gone dry can be kicked back into beautiful wetness with just a few romantic gestures!

If your relationship with the taloned, horrific monster known as The Babadook is on the rocks, here’s a few ideas to get that spark back!

1: Try cooking together! While many couples can come to see cooking as a chore that has to be passive-aggressively pushed back and forth until someone caves and orders Papa John’s, it can actually be a beautiful bonding activity! The warmth of the kitchen, the scent of the pecorino that The Babadook freshly grates for his special spaghetti carbonara, the sensuality of dining! Electricity!

2. Take the day off and just spend time with each other without expectations! We’ve all planned an outing with a significant other and seen it collapse under the pressure of having an Instagram-ready weekend at the coast. Instead of loading yourself up with expectations, try calling into work and just enjoy time with The Babadook. Stay in bed. Watch your favorite shows. Be with each other!

3. Pick out new matching top hats! Some people think couples in coordinating outfits are tacky, but not us! There’s nothing cuter than a person and their jagged, spiky-haired manifestation of parental guilt in matching duds, so get out there and spend an afternoon picking out new top hats! Adorable!

4. Terrify a family together! Sure, it may be The Babadook’s thing, but sometimes a couple can get that precious feeling back by combining interests. Rather than spend a weekend just shopping or yard work, try finding, say, a recent divorcee who can’t connect emotionally with their withdrawn child and just scare the fuck out of them!

5. Experiment with opening things up to other monsters! Okay, common wisdom is that only couples who are very secure and strong should explore opening relationships, rather than a collapsing pair of lovers trying to find any kind of shared experience. But fuck that! Have a three-way with the thing from Malignant! Try a soft-swap with Frankenstein AND Frankenstein’s Monster! Get weird!

When you feel comfortable seeing your beloved Babadook getting railed five ways from Sunday, that’s how you know you’ve put the spark back into things!

Angels & Airwaves Drummer Survives Yet Another Argument About Adding ‘& Aliens’ to Band Name

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Matt McInerney

SAN DIEGO — Tempers flared earlier this week as drummer Ilan Rubin and frontman Tom DeLonge went for another round on an argument that has plagued the band from day one, sources close to the band report.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this again. We let Tom write a whole album about aliens this time. The fact that we got him to name it ‘Lifeforms’ and not just ‘Aliens’ is a miracle. And yet here we are, having the aliens-should-be-in-the-band-name fight again,” a frustrated Rubin explained. “Is he honestly concerned people don’t get that he’s into aliens? We used to be able to hold him at bay. But ever since the Pentagon declassified his UFO videos he’s been doing a nonstop victory lap.”

Jerry “Allen” Pike, their trusted merch guy, has seen this heated debate before.

“I can see both sides. Tom’s got a point. He has been selected as the Rosetta Stone between humans and extraterrestrial beings. That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s like… how is anyone supposed to find out if you don’t start a band about it? But on the other hand, we’d have to reprint a lot of merch if we changed the name,” he said, as he anxiously peeked over his shoulder at a mountain of boxes. “I was with them back in the Atticus days. People think that’s a ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ reference, but not at all. Tom wanted to name that ‘Aliens’ too. It’s just a compromise. He just digs names like Aliens. Wait, is that why he keeps calling me Allen?”

Old bandmate, Mark Hoppus, was not surprised by the news at all.

“Let me guess, he wants to do another Alien thing?” Hoppus said after a long sigh. “Look, this is the guy who made Joe Rogan look like the sane one on that podcast. He launched the alien company, he writes alien screenplays, he’s making an alien documentary. He’s either gonna give this band an alien name or he’s going to start a new alien band.”

At the time of press, DeLonge could be seen wandering around San Diego with a stack of ‘& Aliens’ posters and a bucket of wheat paste.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

White House Details Plan to Vaccinate Kids So They Can One Day Pay Off Parents’ Student Loans

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — The Biden administration revealed details of their plan to vaccinate five to 11-year-olds in the coming weeks to ensure that these children will survive long enough to pay off their parents’ student loans.

“As a dad myself, nothing is more important than our nation’s children, and I want to give each and every American child the opportunity to be saddled with debt for the rest of their very long lives,” President Joseph R. Biden said, growing emotional as he addressed members of the press outside the Rose Garden. “I’m determined to create a bipartisan effort to get these shots in kids’ arms, so our little ones can start dreaming up the ways they’ll attempt to pay off these loans, and maybe even take on some escalating debt of their own someday.”

Despite the President’s calls for unity, the administration faces critics across the aisle and even within the ranks of its own party.

“The President does not intend to let anything get in the way of his plan to keep every American student from defaulting,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, addressing potential obstacles to the plan. “I’d invite anyone who opposes our plans to vaccinate America’s children to take a long hard look into the eyes of an international banker or Sallie Mae executive, and see the tears well up as they imagine a world in which they won’t be able to keep their beach homes in Turks and Caicos because we lost too many young lives to preventable death.”

Economists say the administration’s plans to use local pediatricians rather than mass vaccination sites could prevent the federal government from any unnecessary spending on children’s health.

“Constructing large centers to administer vaccines to children would require a lot of federal funding and oversight,” explained Harvey Somerholder, an analyst with the Congressional Budget Office. “That’s money that could be going toward corporate tax breaks, or even foreign wars. Do we really want to be dedicating money toward kids here, who already have so much, when there are helpless children we could be droning abroad? That’s not the American way.”

At press time, Psaki added that the plans for child vaccination would also help the next generation live to one day rebuild the country after the impending climate disaster.

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