Man Invents Pillow That’s Always Cool on Both Sides

Posted on by John Merrifield

IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — Local man and recent entrepreneur Shawn Roberts revealed a pillow he invented while stoned off his ass early yesterday morning which promises to stay cool on both sides, sources report.

“People are always talking about the cool side of the pillow like it’s some kind of elusive mystery, so I knew that if I could just find a way to make one that’s cool any way you flip it, I’d really be in business,” said Roberts, seated next to a pillow wrapped in a motorcycle jacket and with Oakley sunglasses resting on top of it with an opened soft pack of Marlboro reds nearby. “Now, we’ve got a pillow that’s all cool, all the time, no flipping necessary. This pillow is so cool it could probably even pick up tons of chicks in person, just out in the real world, no dating apps necessary.”

The pillow is currently in its early beta testing phase among those close to the inventor.

“I can’t even tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve spent tossing and turning just trying to keep the cool side of the pillow close, but all I have to do is take one look at the bandana around the pillow’s head to know those days are over,” said Roberts’s cousin Josh Norwood, who is reportedly “crashing at Shawn’s pad for a couple weeks.” “Honestly, I feel kind of cooler just knowing the pillow. I’ve already told a couple people at work about some of the stuff we got into last weekend. Plus, I checked one of the pockets and found a dollar and the pillow let me keep it. What a fucking class act.”

Despite overwhelmingly positive feedback from both Roberts and his cousin, some negative reviews have already been reported.

“All he did was stuff a pillow in a leather jacket,” said girlfriend Darcy Wade. “It makes my face super sweaty when I sleep on it, and I have to peel it off me several times throughout the night. Plus it’s got these giant silver buttons that dig into my skin and always leave a circle imprint so it just looks like I have ringworm constantly. It’s not even physically cool to the touch either. If anything, we have to keep it away from the window or it bakes in the sun all day and gets hotter than a regular pillow.”

At press time, the cool factor of the pillow was put into question upon meeting the pillow’s older cousin from Amsterdam, who is made from hemp fibers.

Boyfriend Swears To Do Bare Minimum Required To Take Him Back

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

CHICAGO — Local boyfriend who’s changed, he swears, Britt Keller promised on again-off again girlfriend Carolyn Mueller that he will do as little as humanly possible to win back her love if she just gives him a third chance, exhausted sources reported.

“I just felt I needed to be realistic with Carolyn, and told her that I’d make only a half-assed attempt at self-improvement,” said the 35-year-old self-described influencer. “Nobody wants this relationship to work in theory more than me, but I think it’s a two-way street. She should be willing to look past my procrastination, commitment issues, and inability to listen. Especially since I told her I’d give minimal consideration to quitting smoking. Is that not enough for her?”

Mueller disputed Keller’s claims that the real reason the relationship wasn’t working was because she was “a suffocating control-freak,” rather than him being an immature loser.

“I don’t think me wanting him to brush his teeth twice a day is really me trying to change him,” remarked a disgruntled Mueller. “I honestly don’t know what he wants out of this anymore. It’s certainly not sex, because I was the one who was always saying we weren’t having it enough. Monetizing his YouTube channel was not what I meant when I said he needed to take more initiative in life. At least he’s being honest about his capability though, so I can keep my already low expectations even lower.”

Relationship experts stated that both participants have fallen into a codependent relationship, but that only Mueller has the power to truly change it.

“It’s time for Mueller to give this fuckboy a dose of reality and stick to her guns to end a relationship where she isn’t respected,” stated couples counselor Jenna Holt. “In cases like this one, I think tough love is the only solution. And by tough love, I mean Mueller’s friends and relatives need to tell her what a goddamn idiot she’s being by even going out with this clown. I heard that the only time he made their bed he left her side unmade ‘to keep things equal.’ For fuck’s sake, it’s like he goes out of his way to be useless.”

When reached for additional comment, Mueller said that Keller had canceled their plans to talk things over to play video games, but would order pizza to make it up if she Venmos him.

5 Other Things Bob Dylan Controversially Made Electric

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Every music fan remembers the day iconic folk artist Bob Dylan switched over to electric guitar. When Dylan struck that first chord for “Like a Rolling Stone,” it was chaos, and the whole concert hall practically tore the chairs out of the aisles. True fans, however, know this was hardly the first time the voice of a generation infused something with electricity to critical backlash.

Here are five other things Bob Dylan electrified, much to the chagrin of fans and the court of popular opinion.

Potatoes
Running late for his Woodstock performance, Bob Dylan wished there was some way he could have checked the time using the three things he always kept with him on tour: two potatoes and his trusty spool of copper wire. Fashioning the potatoes into a crude battery clock with the wire, he decided to show his friend Eric Clapton, who was horrified.

Believing man was not ready for such power, Clapton convinced Dylan to embark on a quest to hide the potato cloak where no man would ever find it, causing both artists to miss the festival completely. Clapton would later reveal that he was heavily under the influence of narcotics at the time, and that his stance on potato-based power has since “softened a bit.”

The Slide
After a “Chicken Dance”-related accident nearly cost Dylan his left hand, he became committed to providing white people with an easy dance they could do at weddings. He applied electricity to an old vaudeville shuffle called “The Slide,” and “The Electric Slide” was born. Unfortunately, it quickly became tiresome, and Dylan opted to eschew any credit for the novelty hit.

Gremlins
When Joe Dante was stuck on how to approach “Gremlins 2: The New Batch,” he reportedly consulted Bob Dylan, who advised him that the next logical step was to “go electric, baby.”

Chairs
Dylan always wondered what it would be like if sitting down on a chair could instantly yet painfully kill you, and at a concert in Philadelphia he installed the first electric chairs in the audience. As the sounds of protest rock and 40,000 painful electric volts filled the concertgoers, Dylan challenged the audience’s preconceived notions of politics, establishment, and the limits of human pain.

In true Dylan fashion, he didn’t listen to audiences, and let the Gremlin introduce him at his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.

The Bass Guitar
This one is hard to forgive. Honestly, it churns my stomach just thinking about it. As soon as Dylan plugged in his guitar for the first time, he instructed his bass player to do the same and those 4-string thumb strummers have suffered the delusion that they play a real instrument ever since. Thanks a lot, Bob.

Guy In Audience Can’t Believe He’s Getting Delta Variant for This Bullshit

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

UKIAH, Calif. — Local showgoer Ernie Morales lamented the fact he is almost certainly contracting the coronavirus delta variant while attending an avant-garde noise show in a cramped basement, confirmed sources who plan on remaining socially distant.

“The band that just played were dressed as penguins, and they kept spitting water into the crowd. Some of it hit me in the eye, and I can just feel the virus mutating inside me,” said Morales in between researching breakthrough COVID cases. “When I end up on a ventilator I need everyone I know to say I got the disease at a sex party or something, a real wild orgy. They can’t know it was in a basement full of art school kids on a Tuesday.”

“If the virus is transmitted through vape smoke, then I might as well just go check myself into a hospital right now,” added Morales.

Zelda Positano, lead vocalist of minimalist jazz fusion trio Opera Operator, believes that Morales is being dramatic when it comes to the risk of infection.

“My band did some research and found a Russian website that says you can destroy the virus by using a mix of high and low pitched tones,” said Positano. “So, when we play we have a machine that plays a frequency so high that it could kill any livestock within 100 feet, and we also have a broken bass cab that rumbles so low that it can actually make you shit your pants. We think those two audio weapons are enough to eradicate the virus, and so far we are confident we’re right. Some people have ended up in the hospital after our shows, but it’s only because they have a brain bleed that doctors don’t quite understand.”

Infectious disease experts are still warning people across the country to wear masks indoors and avoid crowded spaces.

“The delta variant is much more contagious than any other strain of this virus that we’ve seen, and the more hosts it can infect, the more it can mutate,” said Dr. Della Blaire. “However, I’m OK with the disease taking out a few people that think throwing screws at a piece of sheet metal is considered music. If you look at some of their Spotify playlists, you can see they are already lacking a lot of brain function, so it’s not a big loss.”

Morales is also certain he contracted tetanus after cutting his arm on a rusty nail, and ebola by just being in proximity to the basement venue’s toilet.

New Texas Law Sends Any Woman Accused of Causing Blue Balls to Electric Chair

Posted on by Contributor

AUSTIN, Texas — Texas lawmakers continued their draconian war on reproductive freedom by passing a new law that would immediately sentence any woman accused of causing blue balls to death by electrocution.

“Blue balls are the leading cause of discomfort for males aged 12 to 65 and it’s about time women are held accountable for their actions,” said Senator Robert Nichols, District 3 representative and staunch advocate of blue ball eradication. “There are lots of detractors saying ‘this punishment is too severe,’ that we are ‘unfairly targeting women,’ and that ‘blue balls aren’t real.’ However I live in Texas, and in this state I believe that a woman has a responsibility to bring a man to completion if she is the cause of his arousal or else she gets to have a date with ol’ sparky the electric chair.”

“I’ve heard that if blue balls aren’t addressed that semen can enter the bloodstream and kill a man, and that loss of life would be a tragedy,” added Nichols.

Women’s rights advocates across Texas immediately spoke out against the bill.

“These motherfuckers,” said Amani Clark while clenching her fists so hard she broke three bones in her hand. “I don’t know what’s next. Outlawing menstruation because they think ‘it’s gross’ is probably on the table. They won’t be happy until we are treated like cattle just producing babies, and once we can’t do that anymore they will butcher us and serve our meat at state events.”

The Supreme Court upheld the law in a 5-4 decision made earlier today.

“There have been multiple times in my life where I myself was stricken with blue balls and I always wanted justice. Blue balls caused me to have to sit down for 30 seconds, and then when I walked around I felt a little sore. That’s not America — men should be serviced by their wives, or any other woman they see fit,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “My college buddy ‘Slick’ Rick Douglas, man that guy was a poon hound, he told me he had blue balls so bad once that he tried humping a bowl of ice cream to fix it. Man that dude was funny. He made a freshman eat the ice cream after. You can’t make this up.”

At press time, self-proclaimed liberal, Tristen Goff, was awarded a $25 gift card to Best Buy for being the 1,000,000th person to say “if they don’t like the law then they should just move away.”

Fox News Floats in Expert to Flooded Newsroom to Debunk Climate Change Reports

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Fox News floated a self-proclaimed climate change expert into their flooded Manhattan newsroom Friday to assert that the latest inclement weather could not be tied to global warming.

“The liberal media is getting people all riled up about climate change, but there are scientists out there who will tell you we can’t prove one hundred percent that the bad weather we’re having is caused by global warming,” said Herman Walters, a professor at Oral Roberts University and climate change skeptic, as he rested atop an innertube shaped like the face of Ronald Reagan several feet above the ground in the flooded Fox News studio. “We all know the UN is biased and dead-set on attacking the oil and gas industries, but if they want to know who’s really to blame, they need to take a good, hard look at themselves, which has never been easier to do now that most of Manhattan is a wet, reflective surface.”

Tucker Carlson, head anchor of Fox’s most-watched program and certified SCUBA instructor after his week on the flooded set, seemed to agree with his guest’s argument.

“These Antifa socialists want everyday Americans like you and me to feel guilty for eating red meat, reading the Bible and making love to the American Flag like our founding fathers, but we won’t do it,” Carlson garbled from behind a snorkeling mask, his arms buoyed by a pair of red Make America Great Again floaties. “They’re too afraid to tell you that the real culprit is the lazy illegals who come here, taking our jobs and spreading the coronavirus, which is also a hoax. Shouldn’t they be used to tropical weather, anyway? If they don’t like American hurricanes, they can deal with the climate catastrophes in their home countries.”

Hugo Welch, a BP oil executive and Mr. Carlson’s second guest, confirmed that concerns about climate change have been overblown.

“I’m not even sure what the Democrats are really upset about,” Welch said, appearing via livestream on a half-submerged screen in the Tucker Carlson Tonight studio. “So the subway had a tad of water in it. Well, I’m awfully sorry, but if you don’t want to ride the subway while waist-deep in floodwater that may be contaminated with human excrement, just hop on your chartered jet! I mean, you’d think people would have the good sense to at least phone a helicopter service before they go blaming the good executives who are putting in countless hours trying to keep their board members happy.”

At press time, Carlson announced that he’d be hosting his next episode, an expose on how abortions cause wildfires, live from Lake Tahoe.

Red Lobster Declares Bankruptcy Following Disastrous “Holiday in Clam-bodia” Promotion

Posted on by James Knapp

SAN FRANCISCO — American chain seafood restaurant Red Lobster declared chapter 7 bankruptcy this week after a recent crossover promotion with punk band Dead Kennedys resulted in numerous hospitalizations and lawsuits, causing irreparable damage to the company’s image, permanently scarred sources confirmed.

“We are saddened to announce that, after more than fifty years of serving moderately-priced seafood to the American public, we will be closing down every one of our restaurants still in operation,” said Red Lobster spokesperson Regina Fleck, in a press statement released earlier today. “Clearly our recent promotion was not well executed, and with the damage it has caused we feel it’s best for everyone involved if maybe our business just completely stopped being a thing anymore. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the thousands of seafood aficionados still in intensive care with acute shellfish dysentery.”

Red Lobster patron Sheila Ross described her experience at the promotion as “a harrowing nightmare akin to the killing fields themselves.”

“My god. The clams. Those horrible, horrible clams,” muttered Ross through a withering thousand-yard-stare. “You hear these stories from soldiers returning from war, but you never truly believe man’s inhumanity to man until you witness it for yourself. How can I go on now that I know exactly how much chowder a human chest cavity can hold? Sweet Jesus, it was so much chowder!”

Despite universal backlash, Dead Kennedys guitarist East Bay Ray is optimistic about future crossover promotions with other chain eateries.

“The Dead Kennedys brand has never been afraid of a little controversy, and that’s all this is. Sure, the promo could have been handled a little better, but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of opportunities to get this right at some point,” explained Ray after confirming that the check he was written by Red Lobster would still be honored. “We’ve already been tossing a few ideas around over at DK headquarters. How about this: we do a joint event with Coldstone Creamery and call it ‘Chill the Poor.’ Get it? Chill… like instead of kill? I’m just spitballin’ here.”

At press time, Red Lobster’s legal team was finalizing its out-of-court settlement for the class action lawsuit filed against them, dubbed by the media “Clam-gate.”

The Best Sublime Songs to Pump You up Before Failing a Drug Test

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Everyone knows the hardest part of starting a new job is passing the pre-hire drug test. It’s one thing if you have sober friends you can borrow piss from, but who has those these days?! Since you still listen to Sublime, I’m guessing not you.

Still, even if you do partake in some illicit partying like Bradley Nowell did (RIP), you gotta at least give the test a shot. A new job is a huge opportunity! And who knows, maybe the machine will malfunction, or the lab tech will feel so bad after seeing your horrifying drug panel results that they’ll fudge the report. Sure it’s unlikely, but hey, you ain’t got no crystal ball!

Here are the best Sublime songs to amp you up as you sit in the waiting room preparing to blow your drug test:

What I Got
No Sublime sesh is complete without this timeless hit on the playlist! Lovin’ is what you got and you can still get high dammit! Who gives a fuck if you get passed on a job that could literally change everything for you? If they need you to go a full two weeks without toking that sweet mother-herb, then it’s not a good fit anyway! They don’t appreciate your process, so fuck ’em.

Garden Grove
If you’ve recently spent any time sticking needles in your arm, living in a tweaker pad, or even getting yelled at by your dad, this mellow jam is a must listen. But be warned: you may nod off in your chair if you get too comfortable while listening to it. That would be embarrassing, and probably get you DQ’ed before you even start peeing in the cup!

What’s their fucking problem anyway? It’s just weed! Well, weed and a little coke, and some molly and tons of pills, but they’re checking for weed? Bogus.

Doin’ Time
Summertiiiiiime and the living’s easy.

Or at least it was easy, before you had to take a bullshit drug test! This funky and fun ballad is quintessential Sublime—the kind of song you can listen to as you roll a fat blunt in the driver’s seat of your rusty 1998 Toyota Camry in the Quest Diagnostics parking lot.

Wrong Way
So you’re not getting this gig, big deal. You know who has REAL problems? Annie, the girl Bradley Nowell made up for this song. Really puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?

Smoke Two Joints
This one is pretty self explanatory. If you smoke two joints in the morning, smoke two joints at night, AND smoke two joints in the afternoon so you’ll feel alright, there is no shot in hell you are passing this drug test. Just sit back, enjoy the song, and maybe start searching Craigslist for jobs that won’t care if you’re high all the time.

Delta Variant Added as Last-Minute Addition to Sold-Out Show

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ATHENS, Ga. — Touring COVID strain Delta Variant surprised showgoers after being added to a sold-out show at local punk venue The Tribune late last night, a rapid number of increasing sources confirmed.

“I heard Delta Variant was in town because my aunt is an ICU nurse, and she said that her hospital is full of patients that have already seen the virus,” said show promoter Ethan Warner. “I knew there was a chance Delta Variant would show up tonight. The show was packed, most people took off their masks before they overheated, and we have no ventilation because all the windows are nailed shut so nobody breaks in and sleeps here. The last time we had anything like this was when we double-booked Swine Flu and Pig Destroyer.”

Local punk Lucas Soto was unhappy to hear that Delta Variant hopped on to the show.

“This piece of shit strain knows that it isn’t welcome in our town. We’ve spent too much time making our venues all-inclusive spaces for people of all races and gender identities, and Delta Variant always seems to latch on to the most vulnerable members of our scenes,” said Soto while trying to suppress a cough. “I think we might need to have some community meetings to try to keep this from happening again. I’m not going to sit back and let infectious diseases continue to abuse people. Once Delta Variant leaves here, it will probably go back down to Florida and continue its reign of terror.”

The Delta Variant admitted it doesn’t care what naysayers think, and that it will continue to show up at live music events.

“If you were me, a virus, you would do the exact same thing I’m doing. You find a place that has a lot of potential hosts, you kick the fucking door in and you go to town on those immune systems,” said the genetic mutation. “The real assholes are the people getting those vaccines and letting so many of my brothers and sisters die. I’m fighting for my fucking life, here! This whole country is so fucked up. No matter how much I try to make myself known, there are still people that don’t believe in me. But I want to thank those haters; you’re only making me work harder. That hate fuels me.”

Delta Variant is planning to continue its world tour and suggested you check out its side project, Long COVID, which is appearing at a drone metal show later today.

Oh Shit: Scientist Just Grabbed Print-out and Ran to Phone

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — Dr. Christine Giles, a scientist at the Global Science Research Institute, just ripped a printing document off an antiquated dot-matrix printer, glanced at the text, then immediately ran to a red telephone, according to concerned sources currently trying to listen in to the phone conversation.

“I know it seems pretty serious,” said Dr. Tracy Meyers as Giles frantically spoke into the phone behind her. “But Christine is way too excitable. She pulls this shit if she gets a report that there’s like, a wild bear spotted in a Chicago suburb, or if Taco Bell pulls potatoes from their menu again. I know for a fact that she’s been written up for false alarms at least once before. She needs to learn how to actually judge if something is important enough to justify the red phone.”

“Seriously, there’s a chart by the red phone that we specifically ordered to calm her down,” Dr. Meyers continued. “It breaks down ‘local emergency’ to ‘Omega Event’ so you can make a good decision.”

Toby Howlosky, a fifth-grader from nearby Ross Elementary School who was visiting the laboratory on a school trip, disagreed with Dr. Meyers.

“I’ve been bored out of my fucking mind all day. This place doesn’t have any dinosaur bones, or weird goop for us to stick our hands in. I only saw something cool when I walked through some doors that said ‘No Entry,’” Howlosky said after wandering from the group and tapping on a beaker filled with an unknown fluid. “I saw that science lady grab something off an old-ass printer, whisper ‘my god’ and that’s how I knew some shit was about to go down. I hope it’s like some ‘Tomorrow War’ type stuff or something. It would be sweet if the whole place got locked down. I’d be fine, I brought like five pounds of candy with me.”

Gail Patrick, an expert in laboratory protocol, was inclined to agree with the fifth-grader.

“Scientists never run; they got into science to avoid running. So if this happens, you know it’s bad news,” Patrick said while a television behind her unexpectedly cut to an emergency station. “While Dr. Giles might be prone to falsely reporting emergencies, like they say, a broken clock is right twice a day. And she was already right about that incident in 2004 when she ran into a meeting of the Board of Chiefs and screamed ‘they’re coming!’ before being restrained.”

As of press time, the President of the United States was entering in the classified code that would reactivate Special Agent Zero.