Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

REPORT: Tracksuit Industry “Will Never Recover” From Squid Game

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Jonah Nink

NEW YORK — Tony’s Tracksuits CEO Anthony Dante announced this morning that the tracksuit industry’s image “will never recover” from the success of Netflix’s latest hit series “Squid Game,” confirmed sources who have seen the company’s share price plummet since the show’s debut.

“Sales were actually great at the beginning of the quarter leading up to the release of ‘The Many Saints of Newark.’ All the kids wanted a Paulie Walnuts tracksuit,” said Dante. “But then ‘Squid Game’ drops, and now everyone is terrified that they’re going to wake up in a deadly, Korean version of ‘Double Dare’ or something. We set up some impromptu focus groups to root out the issues and found that while consumers loved our product’s elasticity and comfortable fabrics, they will forever associate tracksuits with people getting gunned down by a robot toddler. And of course this all happens right before we release our ‘Castleton Green’ collection.”

Lifelong Tony’s Tracksuits factory employee Gus Tracksuitmacher was horrified to see his beloved company collapse.

“I’ve been making tracksuits my entire life, just like my father before me, and his father before him. My ancestors used to tailor tracksuits for the kings and queens of medieval Bohemia,” said Tracksuitmacher. “That beautiful way of life is gone now, all because Netflix wanted to make a heavy-handed allegory about the economy. People don’t appreciate that making tracksuits takes years of dedication, so I don’t exactly have the skills to pick up another job. Almost makes me wish there really was a billion-dollar death game I could play.”

“Squid Game” writer/director Hwang Dong-hyuk was unmoved to see the tracksuit industry in turmoil.

“Maybe it should collapse,” said Don-hyuk. “It’s time for the world to move on from tracksuits. That was my goal with writing ‘Squid Game’ in the first place; I wanted to ruin the public perception of tracksuits. I wanted to create a world where wearing a tracksuit probably means you’re going to get shot while playing kick the can or something. The show really doesn’t have any major themes beyond ‘tracksuit equals death.’ If you think there’s anything more than that, you’re projecting.”

While the Tracksuit industry was shambles, Dalgona Cookie sales have quadrupled since the show’s release.

Clean Bedroom Destroyed in 30 Second Rampage Looking for Keys

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — A recently cleaned bedroom was left completely ravaged and covered in underwear, socks, receipts, and pillows in local woman Katherine Hart’s brief and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find her car keys.

“It only took thirty seconds for that room to go from spotless to looking like a nuclear bomb went off in here,” said disaster recovery specialist for FEMA and Hart’s roommate, Barbara Salazar, while assessing the damage. “She somehow managed to flip the bed over, break two lamps, and empty her entire closet onto the floor when she ripped through this room like a tornado in an apparent search for her car keys. And to think they were on the kitchen table where she always leaves them this whole time, but sometimes, acts of God or women dangerously close to being written up for tardiness at work for the third time this week, are just outta our hands.”

Hart’s roommate, Kennedy Jameson, is growing increasingly agitated at Hart’s destructive tendencies.

“If you think this is bad, then you should have seen the way she demolished our living room while looking for her keys when we were late to a wedding,” said Jameson. “If she just took two seconds to place her car keys in their designated spot then it wouldn’t look like a pillaged war zone in here. But no. She has to rip all the cushions off the couch and toss all the plates out of the dishwasher? I don’t even know how she tore that thing open, I thought they locked while they were running.”

Dr. Eli Sanz, a research scientist at MIT, has found patterns of this behavior in most unorganized millennial roommates.

“In a recent lab simulation, we found that the average test subject could destroy their clean bedroom while searching for items like keys, debit cards with some money on them, wallets, and even sunglasses in an astounding forty-five seconds,” said Sanz. “It defies scientific logic how quickly a clean room can go from pristine to Chernobyl-level rubble. Katherine’s case is specifically impressive. Rarely have we seen someone foil a perfectly made bed, and a dog’s bed, with that level of speed.”

Sources close to Hart have confirmed that she was last seen ripping up the carpet while searching for her lost cell phone, which happened to be in her hand the whole time.

Opinion: It’s Time for My Girlfriend To Turn Off That Radio Broadcast About an Escaped Lunatic and Make Out

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Dan Rice

I believe that public safety is important, but between the “Warning: Correctional Facility in Area” signs, the creepy weirdo who told us “This town is cursed!” at the gas station and now this “An insane killer is on the loose” radio broadcast it’s like “Enough already!”

I didn’t go through the trouble of taking my girlfriend to a nice secluded cabin just to heed a bunch of ominous warnings and shit. I came here to do some Olympic level tongue boxing and, god willing, some under the clothes stuff.

I wish I could say that my girlfriend felt the same way, but evidently she would rather sit in front of the radio getting freaked out. If only she could see this situation the way I see it — a perfect opportunity to engage in reckless abandon and do the tonsil twist all night long.

Who cares about some dumb escaped madman from some lame nearby asylum last seen headed in this general stupid direction? I’m horny!

So far the debate over this issue is stuck in full stalemate. It seems that every time we start to make progress the conversation devolves into a game of semantics over who escaped from where and killed what entire family 15 years ago on this very night. These word games are counter productive and all too often leave the horned up half drunk jocks of our great nation waiting in the wings. It’s time to end the cycle, turn off that radio and french out hard on the couch.

My girlfriend would not only have you believe that we should be concerned about the escaped murderous lunatic in our vicinity, but that she heard “a strange noise or something” outside as well. Let’s take a look at the facts:

FACT: It was probably just the wind, or a wild animal!

FACT: It’s just your imagination.

FACT: Babe, come on!

Now the power in our cabin has gone out, and instead of capitalizing on the fact that making out in the dark is awesome, my girlfriend has opted to let her imagination run wild and become even more scared. If she would only take my advice she would be too horny to get scared. Besides, there’s actually nothing to be afraid of, because I know the exact protocol for this situation:

I’m going to step outside and mutter something about what a bitch she’s being. Then I’m going to shotgun another brewski, spark a J and make my way over to the fuse box. And if I do happen to hear what sounds like someone out there, I’ll just hit them with a solid “Tommy, is that you? Come on man, stop messing around!” This should get Tommy to stop messing around, allowing me to repair the fuse and then it’s right to tongue town. On the off chance the rustling doesn’t stop, I’ll just start listing off other friends of mine it could be with diminishing confidence until the problem resolves itself.

Okay seriously Tommy, if that is you, knock it off. Tommy? PJ is that you? Brian?…

Victrola 8-in-1 Bluetooth Record Player Gives Spotify Playlist Warmer Sound

Posted on October 24, 2021 by Kevin Tit

CAMDEN, N.J. — Turntable manufacturing giants, Victrola, released a new line of 8-in-1 Bluetooth record players that promise to give any Spotify playlist a warmer, more authentically vintage sound, multiple company executives confirm.

“Times are changing and we have to change with them,” explained Victrola CEO Scott Hagen. “People romanticize the idea of vinyl records because of the supposed audio superiority, but these same people have absolutely no interest in getting up to flip them. That’s why we at Victrola have used our state-of-the-art Bluetooth technology to develop a new speaker system that allows you to stream your favorite Spotify playlist without sacrificing the blown out vintage sound our customers have convinced themselves that they know and love.”

The successful launch of the new line of record players has led the company to record sales and left customers extremely satisfied.

“As a child of the late eighties, records have always held a special place in my heart,” said thirty-five-year-old Urban Outfitters Assistant Manager, Bryce Tennor. “However, they are expensive, fragile, and heavy as shit. I bought this crate of records from a thrift store and every single one was too warped to play. Plus now my apartment smells like an old wet library book. But thanks to my new record player, I can hang my favorite record covers on the wall like art pieces and stream them off my phone. No one can even tell the difference.”

Some collectors believe that companies like Victrola are doing more to kill record collecting than save it.

“Record collecting is a dying hobby and these money hungry fat cats don’t give two shits about saving it,” said notable owner of Hungry Ear Records, Phil Kentick. “Everybody thinks having records is cool until it comes time to replace the needle. I remember having a blast as a kid learning how to solder wires and ground cables. Now, a piece of me dies every time some grubby handed brat recklessly pulls a record out the sleeve and puts their paw prints all over it before struggling to slide it back in, just to walk away forever. My heart breaks for those tainted records and every night after closing I take ’em out back and shoot ‘em like Old Yeller.”

At press time, Victrola announced an upcoming collaboration with Apple, introducing a new iPhone with a cassette deck built in the back.

11 Best Early-2000s MTV Shows

Posted on October 23, 2021December 10, 2025 by Jerrod Kingery

Most people fondly remember the early days of MTV, when the cable channel showed nonstop music videos. However in the early 2000s, the network altered its format, working more scripted and reality shows into the programming lineup. Here are some of the best MTV shows from the George W. Bush administration:

“The Osbourne Mysteries,” 2003

Jack and Kelly Osbourne, along with their cowardly talking Pomeranian Minnie, work to solve hauntings in small towns, most of which simply turned out to be a confused Ozzy Osbourne puttering through the woods yelling for wife Sharon.

“Carson Loves Tara,” 2000

Did you watch this early-2000s reality show featuring the then-engaged Carson Daly and Tara Reid? If so, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

“The Ashlee Simpson Show,” 2005

The reality-based first season of the show featured the trials and tribulations of the pop singer/sister of Jessica Simpson, but the little-seen, retooled second season, created by X-Files writer Darin Morgan, turned the lip-syncing Simpson into a highly fictionalized version of herself, traversing a post-apocalyptic America and battling famed cryptids such as the mothman and Florida’s skunk ape for control of the world’s remaining water reserves.

“Record Label Payola Disguised As A Request Live,” 2003

In a short-lived fit of candor, this music video show wasn’t shy about the fact that they were just going to play whatever the fuck the labels paid them to play, but still encouraged teenage girls to call in requests or hold signs up in Times Square and scream for Jesse McCartney or whoever the fuck.

“The Grind: Kidz Bop,” 2000

A partnership between the kid-friendly music brand “Kidz Bop” and the sexually charged dance show seemed like a no brainer. However, while parents appreciated the family-friendly versions of popular songs, everything else about this highly provocative, borderline criminal series was pretty troublesome, really.

“Phil and Ape: Bamless,” 2007

This spinoff of “Viva La Bam” featured the parents of “Jackass” star Bam Margera simply going about their day as normal without any of the cripplingly chaotic, abusive interference from their coked out son.

“Jesse Camp’s Camp Candy,” 2000

Camp, the winner of the “I Wanna Be A VJ” contest, hosted this rebroadcast of the beloved Saturday morning cartoon starring the late John Candy while dressed as Steven Tyler’s mic stand.

“Tom Green Gets More Cancer,” 2002

Following the success of Green’s special documenting his battle with testicular cancer, MTV greenlit this series wherein the comedian actively sought out more cancer via sunbathing in Chernobyl and butt chugging chemical waste.

“Yo, Let Me Jizz On You, Girl,” 2006

This dating show, hosted by Maxim Magazine writer Chaz Giles, featured one of the magazine’s Hometown Hotties choosing which of 3 personal trainers she wanted to go on an uncomfortably grabby, aggressive date with.

“Futurama,” 2008

Yeah, reruns of this Matt Groening show aired on MTV for some reason. It’s weird, sure, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great show.

Well I Misunderstood the Intent Behind a Purity Ring and Now I Can’t Get It off My Dick

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Stephen Bell

First of all, I don’t see what’s so funny about this. I am in a lot of pain, and I’m just looking for advice on how to move forward from here so please, spare me your jokes. Honestly, they way people have reacted so far you would think I was the first dude to ever done this, which I know cannot be true. Now, does anyone have any advice for getting this purity ring off of my throbbing, swollen member?

Why did I put it on my penis? Let’s just say I’m not big on metaphors, okay? When I was told this ring could keep me pure in the eyes of The Lord I assumed I was supposed to wear it on my penis. I mean how is it supposed to help me stay chaste if it’s on my finger? My finger doesn’t get sinful erections like my dick does. If it goes on my penis though it keeps away the devils divining rod if you know what I mean.

Look it’s an easy mistake to make okay?! My cousin is in college and he told me you don’t go to hell for finger banging, so why would I assume it goes on my finger? If you ask me it’s the guys who do this right the first time that have a screw loose.

Alright, in retrospect I suppose I should have known it wasn’t supposed to go directly on my penis. When I got sized up for the ring they were surprised how girthy of a ring I needed. Yeah that’s right, this Christian soldier is rocking a penis significantly larger than his finger. I don’t mean to brag but it’s a real two loaves and a fish situation down here. That’s why I needed something to prevent myself from being tempted! Except I failed to take into account swelling and now I can’t get this off, no pun intended.

You would think that maybe my youth pastor could have pointed out the mistake when I asked him to help me get it on, but he had zero questions and seemed very eager to assist.

Yeah sure laugh at the man with his dick stuck in a ring. You won’t be laughing after you burn in hell for all that premarital sex you had during med school. Besides, even if I lose my dick it will be in Heaven singing god’s praises waiting for me to get there.

So go ahead and laugh at the “moron” who had to have his junk amputated, I’ll rest comfortably knowing my cock is seated at the right hand of the father. Or the left, if he gets bored and wants to mix it up.

Well I Misunderstood the Intent Behind a Purity Ring and Now I Can’t Get It off My Dick

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Stephen Bell

You would think that maybe my youth pastor could have pointed out the mistake when I asked him to help me get it on, but he had zero questions and seemed very eager to assist.

Records Rearranged for Optimal Date Impressing

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local man Nicholas Braun completely rearranged his vinyl record collection in order to achieve optimal impressiveness for his upcoming date with Alison Prenwich, according to sources.

“I’ve been looking forward to tonight,” Braun said. “This is our third date, so I’m hoping she’ll be down to come up to my apartment. I took out the garbage that’s been getting really rank this last week, made sure to stuff the worst of my crusty laundry in the closet and rearranged all of my records to maximize the idea that I’m a suitable sexual partner. There’s really an art to it, you know? Make sure you put the good stuff up front to catch, but make sure to have some choice cuts deep in there, so it’s like, oh, is that my copy of Eno’s ‘Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy),’ forgot I even had that.”

“And you have to make sure that you leave something cool out on the player already,” Braun added, debating between Maxwell’s ‘Urban Hang Suite’ and Isaac Hayes’ ‘Black Moses.’ “That should really get her going.”

Kaila Bennett, a former third date of Braun’s, confirmed this was a longtime strategy.

“Yeah, it was pretty clear that he had set up the vinyl as like, a seduction technique,” Bennett said. “I guess he thinks it would make him irresistible to have The Swarm’s ‘Parasitic Skies’ out in front, but then a first press of ‘Deloused’ to show he’s eclectic, then ‘Band on the Run’ to show that he’s not pretentious. It was so clearly contrived. And like any of it distracted that he was using Chipotle napkins as toilet paper.”

“Sex was okay, though,” she added.

Interior decorator Marcus Albright said this was not an uncommon approach.

“Many people believe that a successful date is just a matter of getting the order of your records right,” Albright said. “As though the only factor in a successful romantic tryst would be so simple. It is absolutely incorrect. You also need to think about angle of placement, display and the way light glistens off the wax of ‘Tiger Milk.’ It can be very complex. An art, really.”

As of press time, Braun was sorting through multiple containers of rotting General Tso’s chicken to make it seem as though he didn’t live in squalor.

Inspiring: This Woman Has Been Thinking of Going Vegan for 10 Years

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Dom Turek

Our favorite self-proclaimed health nut and animal empath Kara Andrews is celebrating her 10th anniversary of thinking of going vegan with a well-deserved slice of cheesecake.

From thinking about taking rock climbing classes for eight years to considering going sober for 15 years, there’s nothing Andrews hasn’t thought about doing. She’s living proof that once you set your mind to something, you can think about doing it for the rest of your life.

A staunch vegetarian since the age of 13, Andrews first thought about going vegan in her sophomore year of college after seeing a PETA video detailing the atrocities of the egg and dairy industry. Veganism became the cornerstone of Andrews’ life until she ate an Ellio’s pizza six days later.

Sanders wishes she could do more to support the vegan community by adhering to a strict cruelty-free diet, but she’s waiting until plant-based food distributors come out with a cheese substitution that doesn’t taste like plastic or vomit.

Artificially inseminating cows until their pus-filled mammary glands develop mastitis is beyond barbaric, but it’s still not as bad as a bag of Daiya shredded mozzarella, according to Andrews, who confirmed the fake cheese, “will not melt no matter how long you microwave it.”

Her nonchalant attitude towards animal cruelty is an inspiration to anyone who’s ever wanted to take a stance against injustice but didn’t have the compassion or integrity to follow through. Just asking your server if they have any vegan options available, even if you don’t plan to order them is a form of passive activism.

Life is about moderation, which is why it’s okay for vegetarians to have a chicken wing or slice of pepperoni now and then. When making a major decision, you should take all the time you need. No one is holding a gun to your head, most likely because that same gun is being used to execute a cow that failed to meet its daily lactation quota.

Previously Unknown Sepultura Album Discovered in Rainforest

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Kyle Stanley

BELO HORIZONTE, Brazil — A team of explorers recently discovered a previously unheard album by heavy metal band Sepultura hidden deep in the Amazon rainforest, multiple denim vest clad academic sources confirmed.

“We don’t yet know if the album is fatal to humans but every person subjected to it so far has suffered severe neck injuries from the amount of headbanging the album elicits, plus you can’t help but smash a couple beer cans on your forehead while listening,” said lead researcher Neva Rosa. “We have called in a team of metal experts to help determine when the album was recorded. The ferocious riffs over dense tribal rhythms is even more spiritually righteous than on 1996’s ‘Roots’ which suggests this to be a late 90s or early 2000s offering, although we’re unsure if Igor Cavalera is featured. We haven’t even started the air drum tests yet.”

Fans of the band are unanimous in their excitement and appreciation of the newly found LP, titled “Scolopendra” and printed on vinyl that secretes toxins when frightened.

“I’ve only been able to hear two tracks at the Universidade Federal biology listening station so far but they fucking ripped. As soon as those eggheads started playing it I started a circle pit and some bogus security guard threatened to kick me out,” said Opie Nicholas, who films himself reacting to songs for attention. “I tried to bootleg the songs by recording them on my phone through the headphones but the fascist scientists confiscated it. They need to learn that intense shredding and screaming isn’t just for academics in grand institutions anymore,”

Music historian Markus Felcher has heard the full album and is hesitant to support its release to the public before more is known about its origin.

“There are guitar solos on this album that conflict with everything we know about musical evolution,” said Felcher, senior lecturer of Brazilian speed-thrash at Oxford. “There are guest appearances from animal species we can’t identify, bass tones that test the limits of our world-class subwoofers, and have you heard the fucking drums on this thing? One fill alone could kill a baby or elderly person, no question.”

“We know from simple geography that the album is not Satanic, which would be another story if it were found in Scandinavia,” he later added.

Spotify is already planning a prestige launch on the album’s eventual release date, where Sepultura and the team that discovered the album are expected to receive untold amounts of exposure.