Punk’s Net Worth Skyrockets as Drink Tickets Become Spendable Again

Posted on by Gary Doyle

CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at reopened venues across the city, sources close to the free-drink-rich man confirmed.

“Things were a bit touch and go there for a while, but I knew all I had to do was hold the line and these babies would be worth their weight in Pabst,” exclaimed Brown while clutching several repurposed raffle tickets. “People kept telling me things like ‘they’re worthless’ and ‘the rent is overdue’ and ‘please, I’m begging you to get a job’ but I knew that they were just haters who didn’t believe in what I was doing here. These things don’t depreciate in value like regular forms of currency, but most financial advisors completely ignore drink tickets as a means to build long term wealth.”

Brown’s girlfriend Grace King confirmed this purported lack of belief in his long term financial strategy.

“He’s been like this for the whole pandemic,” sighed an exasperated King. “At first I thought it was kind of endearing. Like, he’d show me graphs and tell me how we were going to the moon or some shit. It took me a couple of months to realize that his ‘portfolio’ was a bunch of paper scraps left over from when he opened a couple of local shows. Now for date nights he only brings me to the same shitty bar, as if I don’t remember being the only audience member the last time they played there. I will say the place is nicer when it hasn’t been emptied out by live music, though.”

Local bartenders are also frustrated with Brown’s flaunting of his newly found wealth.

“He just comes in here and constantly orders our cheapest, shittiest beers and gets a smug look on his face when he pulls out yet another drink ticket from 2019,” complained bartender Shane Collins. “Normally I don’t mind people cashing these in, but I’m pretty sure they’ve been in his pants pocket for the entire pandemic. This guy doesn’t even tip, and the worst part of it all is that I’m pretty sure most of these tickets aren’t even for this bar. I make a point of watering his beers down so he’s probably never been more hydrated in his life!”

Despite boasting about his recent financial success, at press time Brown was seen borrowing five dollars from his girlfriend for what he fraudulently claimed will be the last time.

Woman Feeling Left Out Spends Afternoon Catching Up on 25 Years’ Worth of Blue’s Clues

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BLUEFIELD, W.V. — Local woman Erica Forster is currently on hour nine of watching 25 years’ worth of Blue’s Clues, following a viral video released by the show’s former host earlier today, according to sources.

“Everyone within a 10-year window of my age group is sharing these screenshots and memes of some guy named Steve saying very sweet things, apparently, and I want in, dammit,” Forster said. “Right now this video means nothing to me, so I’m gonna have to do what I do anytime a friend of mine has a kid and force a connection if I want to be included at all.”

Forster laid out a cut-and-dried plan to start and finish the show, which first aired in 1995, which she began executing when she awoke around 11:45 a.m.

“First thing’s first, I have a fuck ton of snacks ready to go and will be forgoing any bathroom breaks by not drinking water, ever, which I know from experience works,” she explained. ”I plan on fudging the numbers just a little by watching some compilations on YouTube, which should at least buy me one reference to get an early tweet out there. From there, I don’t see sunlight until this series is under my belt. I’ve got plenty of time and my neighbor’s very strong and not password-protected internet connection, and I don’t plan to stop until I feel something close to even one of the emojis expressed on my timeline. If you think I’ve got some important job or a family or even a dog to distract me from this, you’ve got the wrong bitch, brother.”

Those close to Forster’s report that she has displayed this type of behavior many times before.

“I thought the ‘Friends’ reunion situation was bad, but this is just worrisome,” said former roommate and longtime friend Danny Dodson. “I think most of her time is spent watching shows that aired three decades ago, just to be in on a conversation that will surely be over long before she finishes them. Also, I honestly don’t know what she’s been into for most of her life, since she doesn’t seem to know who anyone is or get any cultural references until someone related to those things either dies or gets in trouble for sexual assault. Either way, her reaction is always just ‘SMH’ with the prayer hands emoji, which is surprisingly effective in both scenarios.”

At press time, Forster was getting ahead of things by listening to every single piece of work in Iggy Pop’s catalog.

Selfless Woman Willing to Bathe Jake Gyllenhaal for Him

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Compassionate Queens native Kacey Mora selflessly volunteered her time to help bathe actor and infrequent washer Jake Gyllenhaal, sources close to the altruistic woman confirmed.

“I don’t always make time for volunteer work, but when I read that one of my favorite actors, Jake Gyllenhaal, who coincidentally happens to be extremely attractive in a boy-next-door, down to earth way, had told members of the press he doesn’t shower very often, I felt like I had to step in,” Mora said. “Sometimes an opportunity arises and you just have to jump on it, or gently straddle it and lower yourself onto it. People say it takes a village. Well, I’m willing to step up. I think they say that about taking care of kids, but to clarify, I’m more into caring for handsome, versatile actors in their early 40s.”

The recent trend of celebrities forgoing showers has also inspired Jim Dominguez to start a small business bathing Hollywood stars.

“Until recently, people weren’t aware how many celebrities have been going around unscrubbed and unlathered, but some of the industry’s leading artists have been crying out about this for years,” Dominguez said. “Brad Pitt admitted to this a decade ago, and he’s been stinking up awards shows and sets around the world. I’m even offering group rates, for say, power couples like Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. I consider this my way of giving back to the community.”

Celebrity gossip columnist Perez Hilton explained that while the news of stars’ poor hygiene may be daunting, many Americans are ready to step in and help.

“In times like these, I like to think of Fred Rogers’ iconic advice and look for the helpers,” Hilton said. “One thing I’ve learned in my many years documenting celebrities’ lives is that no matter how obscure an actor may seem, there is some poor sap out there willing to do almost anything for them. If Mariah Carey decided tomorrow that she wanted to stop using plastic bags, within an hour, I could find ten people willing to clean up her dog’s shit with their hands. It’s the sort of desperate, deranged cult of personality that has kept me in business for years.”

Overwhelmed by the excitement of the opportunity, Mora had requested a few minutes alone to come down from the breathless anticipation of her acts of charity.

White House Announces Air Bud Will Lead Talks with Taliban Since There’s Nothing in the Rulebook That Says He Can’t

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — The White House has announced that Air Bud will lead talks with the Taliban because there’s nothing in the rulebook that says he can’t.

“We are proud to announce that Bud, a golden retriever mix who is also good at basketball, will be the U.S. representative to the Taliban,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki. “While we realize this is an unorthodox choice, no single clause in the rulebook says that this dog can’t open negotiations with Taliban forces currently controlling Afghanistan, so no one can really tell us no. The current administration has full confidence in this dog, who can bounce a basketball very well with his nose, in establishing a lasting peace with Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada.”

Political analyst Peter Swister was cautiously optimistic about the announcement.

“This is a radical move, but in times of emergency we have to do what we can. It may seem foolhardy to give negotiations with a longtime adversary like the Taliban to a dog whose greatest achievement thus far has been winning a middle school basketball tournament,” Swister said while pouring a highball of scotch and coke and drinking it without pause. “But, what’s the better idea? Do you have a better idea? C’mon, any idea?”

US attache Armin Beckman had conflicted feelings about the announcement.

“I’ve worked in Middle East relations for over 35 years and now they’re giving things over to a fucking dog?” Beckman said. “It’s an embarrassment to the decades of work that diplomats like myself have done in this area, unlike that dog who hasn’t done anything but lick himself in… that area. Since 1921, people like myself have been working to ensure the safety of Afghanistan. Bud hasn’t done a damn thing other than learn how to shake, and he doesn’t even do that every time, especially not when you try to take a video of it. Things are an absolute mess. The Taliban controls everything, ISIS-K is moving in, the fucking Russians are probably going to hamstring us. But a dog, c’mon. What the fuck?”

As of press time, Air Bud had authorized drone strikes on targets in central Kabul after accidentally dropping his ropey bone on an inkwell next to a pile of executive orders.

Uber Eats Forgot Your Drink? Here’s How to Front Load 20 Years of Repressed Rage Into This One Moment

Posted on by Dan Rice

When my Uber driver arrived at my home without the drink that I ordered to go with my meal, the drink I PAID for and 100% expected to be delivered, I became immediately irate. I balled my hands into fists, closed my eyes and started counting to ten. All of the sudden, it hit me: why am I letting this one little thing make me so angry, when I could just seize this opportunity and be mad at everything that has ever happened to me all at once?!

What I discovered was an entirely new way to approach self-care. I call it “lashing out.”

Yes, by channeling all of my deep-seated anger and resentment into this one incident, I have purged a lifetime of built-up toxicity from my body. By following this thought train, you can do the same!

Imagine a Coke bottle
I believe this image came to me because the item in question was in fact a Coke (my GODDAMN Coke!) I realized that I tend to shove all of my anger into a Coke bottle deep inside myself. It’s a perfect system! Now, to just allow the bottle to explode gloriously!

This is not the first time this has happened
They pulled this same shit 2 weeks ago. SAME RESTAURANT!

You have often been denied soda in your life
Our Mom would NEVER let us drink any soda! All we drank was juice! Well I HATE juice, Mom. Fuck you! I am an ADULT and I am supposed to be able to buy SODA whenever I GOD DAMN FEEL LIKE IT!!!

She also withheld love.

You don’t want a refund!
A REFUND doesn’t put soda in my mouth, which is what I paid for!

You never got to have it out with your old man
That piece of shit sold our dog for GAMBLING MONEY and kicking his ass now would mean NOTHING because he’s OLD and WEAK!

You never asked to be born!
OKAY?! I never even wanted to BE HERE in the FIRST PLACE! So, maybe if I want a SODA to help me cope with the pain of my own NON-CONSENSUAL EXISTENCE, I should fucking GET IT!

It’s supposed to WORK!
RIGHT?! Isn’t that the whole trade off of this technocratic Orwellian nightmare we fucking live in? That, at the very LEAST, when you order a cup of soda delivered to your home like a mouth-breathing ASSHOLE, you’re supposed to fucking GET IT?!

And that’s it! You are now ready to yell at your delivery person. Just be sure to pepper in a few muttered “I mean I know it’s not your fault”s between screamed obscenities, otherwise you’ll seem like some kind of psycho!

Frontman’s Greatest Fear Realized When Guitarist Turns Out To Be Pretty Good Singer Too

Posted on by James Knapp

SCRANTON, Penn. — Toby Louvern, lead vocalist in doom-pop band Expired Sex, was stricken with the deepest existential terror of his life during a recent songwriting session when the group’s rhythm guitarist turned out to be “not a half-bad singer either,” petrified sources confirmed.

“It’s not fair, I tell ya! It’s just not fair! I’m supposed to be the singer. Me! Me! Me!” pouted Louvern while refusing to come out of the shared practice space bathroom. “I put my heart and soul into these songs. But who even am I any more if it turns out any old jagoff can move their voice up and down in time? I hope he doesn’t think he’s going to sing on the album, or get a live mic when we play shows. I will leave the band if that happens. Then this group will be nothing! They’re a bunch of talentless scum without a frontman like me.”

Guitarist Geoff Bentrell wasn’t fazed by his ability as a singer or by Louvern’s reaction.

“I was just playing the band a new song I was working on and, even though I don’t usually write lyrics, I wanted to sing a couple of ideas I had for the chorus. I swear I wasn’t trying to show off or anything. I guess I didn’t realize how upset [Louvern] would get about me showing how I thought the ‘na na na na, na na na nas’ should go,” explained Bentrell. “Really I blame myself for not knowing better. One time while we were having lunch our bassist hummed a couple lines of the Oscar Meyer jingle and Toby fully tackled him into a lit stove.”

“We weren’t even having hotdogs that day,” Bentrell added sorrowfully.

Band member dynamics expert Dr. Bridget Gross detailed how a shift in a group’s power center can have devastating consequences.

“Bands are inherently caustic by nature, as their overabundance of ego is near universally matched by an irresponsible lack of talent and skill. Any time the power balance shifts in the slightest it can lead to catastrophic reactions,” explained Dr. Gross. “Fortunately, in this instance, a guitarist trying to sing is fairly routine and might result in nothing more than a couple of awkward house shows. But if it had been a keyboardist or, god forbid, a trombone player, well then I doubt we’d ever find the body.”

Louvern was last seen manically plucking a ukelele he found and shouting that he “can play the dumb stringy boxes too” if he wants.

92-Year-Old Man On Deathbed Finally Settles On First Tattoo Design

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local nonagenarian Horace Miles finally settled on a design for what he would like his first tattoo to be after mulling it over for just over seventy five years, close friends and loved ones gathered in his hospital room reported.

“I mean this is something that is going to be on my body forever, so I wanted to make sure that it was something I would be happy with when a team of nurses walked me over to the mirror on the other side of my room,” said Miles in what most considered to be his last words. “I was going to get an anchor on my forearm during the war but I was a ground trooper, so it didn’t make sense. Thankfully I didn’t get any of my wives’ names, and I decided against a bible verse because I was excommunicated on account of all the divorces. Then I decided on the Chicago flag, but it seemed like everyone had one of those. Now I am sure I want Bart Simpson, Cartman, and Calvin peeing on an outline of the state of Indiana up here on my shoulder blade.”

Miles’ family, however, don’t believe that he will actually have the guts to go through with it.

“I’m sorry he is dying, but I will be happy that I don’t have to hear about a new tattoo idea every three months,” said Miles’ son-in-law Kristopher McCarthy. “If it isn’t nautical stars, it’s banners, or scrolls. Ten years ago he wanted the Deathly Hallows symbol and he doesn’t even know who Harry Potter is. For the longest time he wanted Day of the Dead sugar skulls even though he calls the police on his Mexican neighbors constantly, for no reason.”

Miles’ case is all too common and tattoo artists are familiar with this type of situation.

“It seems like you are either covered head to toe in random shit, or you stare at a flash sheet for two hours and then chicken out,” said tattooer Brandi Santiago after being summoned to Miles’ bedside for an emergency session. “I’ve had folks get tattoos of a really good burger they just ate. Then there are people who want to get a tattoo of their dead mother’s favorite flower but then change their mind because they aren’t sure if they loved their mom enough for permanent ink.”

When reached for update, Miles’ family confirmed he had passed away from pain after Santiago used a dry paper towel to wipe away excess ink, but his Advanced Directives stated his wish to be tattooed posthumously.

“Poser” Added to the DSM-5

Posted on by Eli Johnson

WASHINGTON — The American Psychiatric Association at its annual conference announced it added “poser” to the latest update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, bringing long-sought clinical clarity to an oft-misunderstood condition.

“The poser disorder is characterized by a variety of easily identifiable symptoms,” said Fatima Tawfiq, lead researcher at the East Bay Institute for Punk Studies, to the crowded hotel ballroom. “Posers often delude themselves into thinking they are fans of certain bands; however, when administered a simple diagnostic test to name five songs, they are incapable of meeting or exceeding this relatively modest threshold. Unfortunately, self-diagnosis is extremely difficult. Most posers go about their lives completely ignorant of just how sick they truly are. It’s best to broach the topic delicately if you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering.”

“The last thing we want is for the term to become a slur,” Tawfiq added.

Researchers theorize that posers have existed on the fringes of society since at least the late 1970s, but now with official diagnostic standards, thousands are finally getting the help they need.

“I never thought it could happen to me,” said recently diagnosed poser James Whittier of Rockville, Maryland. “I checked myself into a punk house and was prescribed a heavy cocktail of Bad Brains, Hüsker Dü, and Bikini Kill. It hasn’t been easy, least of all quitting my full-time job, which I was told was damaging my ‘cred,’ but I’m in a much better place now. In a moment of weakness, I relapsed and was caught listening to My Chemical Romance, so they confiscated my phone and had me talk to a panel of ‘cool’ older brothers and sisters to help me quell my urges. I tried to explain that I got them mixed up with Agent Orange, but they didn’t buy it.”

Still, not everyone in the clinical diagnostic community agrees with the way the disease has been classified.

“The standards are far too rigid,” said Mark Krauss, a psychologist in attendance. “My colleagues have created what amounts to a purity test, whereas my research suggests that posing exists on a spectrum. Take me, for instance. I go to concerts all the time, I read zines like ‘Rolling Stone,’ and, at the risk of dating myself, even attended Vans Warped Tour in my youth. Yet by the standards codified in the DSM, I’d be a basket case.”

At press time, Tawfiq and colleagues brought a skateboard on stage to demonstrate what in technical parlance is known as the “mall grab.”

If “Dio” Is Italian for “God” Then Why Won’t These Vatican Pussies Play Some “Holy Diver?”

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

I came to Vatican City to pay my respects to the all-time metal God, Ronnie James Dio, and I expected to find like-minded fellow worshipers who also believe in Him. See, in Italian, the language they speak here, their word for “God” is literally “Dio.” So why the Hell won’t these pussies crank some “Holy Diver”?

Now, I’m not gonna tell someone how to worship our God. When it comes to praising God, or “Dio” (when near Rome, haha!), I feel people should be free to show their faith however they like. But on the same token, it’s not right of them to impede how I worship. So why are these sheet-wearing pansies shushing me and my boombox right now?

How are you gonna accuse me of committing blasphemy by praising and worshipping the best heavy metal frontman to ever do it, when the Bible tells us that praise and worship are two of the best ways to bring us closer to Heaven, where God lives? I cannot believe the hypocrisy of this supposed “holy city.”

You’re gonna sit there and tell me that blasting hours and hours of that Gregorian monk chant bullshit is supposed to spiritually enlighten me? Granted, that monk shit would sound sweet if you threw some Dio over it. Kinda like when Metallica did a record with that orchestra, except the people of San Francisco didn’t boo them out of the square.

Y’all are running around in these boring-ass robes and the Pope’s carrying something called a “Papal ferula,” which is lame as hell. Dio carried a motherfucking sword and went around vanquishing demons and shit. You know, the things that are trying to steal the souls of every good Christian? Remember that, you pointy-hat-wearing fuck.

I know what you’re thinking. “If Dio is God, then why didn’t Dio ever create a miracle?” Listen to how stupid you sound right now. What the fuck do you think a “Rainbow In The Dark” is, if not a miracle?

Bon Iver, Sufjan Stevens Engaged in Heated Whisper Fight

Posted on by John Danek

LAFAYETTE, La. — Exalted indie musicians Justin Vernon, popularly known as Bon Iver, and Sufjan Stevens reportedly had an unexpected, hushed spat backstage at a music festival over the weekend, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“It was so damn weird. One would lean in and whisper something to the other who would then recoil in hurt and distress, before leaning in and cooing some metaphorically threatening retort,” recounted live sound engineer Ophelia Long, who is admittedly more of a metal fan herself. “Then a few times they wiped their tears away and hugged, only to misinterpret part of the other’s apology only to resume fighting about God knows what. No one could hear what they were saying. Maybe they were accusing each other of stealing abstruse similes.”

The fight purportedly stemmed from an act of unintentional vandalism in which Stevens accidentally bumped Vernon’s acoustic guitar, causing it to tip over onto a couch.

“Tears washed the glacier as I lamented to Sufjan that he knocked my guitar out of tune, eroding the trust in this dome, leaving trails of spoiled wine,” murmured Vernon, who texted close friend Kanye West for emotional support. “No one else touched the guitar, a bond of wheat so strong, a smothering wind in the womb of our mother. It could only be Sufjan, only be Sufjan. I hope the sweet winds of a southern storm spin him into a haze of lucid memories on the tip of a serpent’s venomous tongue. I know that’s harsh, but I’m really worked up right now.”

In an effort to defend himself, Sufjan Stevens offered his own oblique take on the situation.

“Why does he accuse me? Why does he refuse me? In the Lafayette parish, under Eden’s tree?” purred Stevens, who claims he admired the guitar from a distance, but was at a local indie bookstore at the time of the guitar tipping. “With notes so consonant from June to June, I left his guitar perfectly in tune (perfectly in tune). Three eyes of God observe my pain, as angels lift my last remains.”

The gentle indie artists’ fight continued, as both have released diss tracks against the other featuring layers of auto-tuned, barely audible weeping.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.